A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I have been having a terrible time with my family and friends harrasing me about the man I have been dating for the last year. He is kind, respectful, and treats me better than any man I have ever been with and I am hoping we could get married someday soon. The only thing they have problems with is the fact that he is black, or as they call it "too black" (he's quite dark). I asked my mom the other day about if him and i were to have children and she told me to keep "that" out of our blood. I have always been raised to be accepting of other's differences, but now the parents who have taught me so are being so cruel towards the man I love. What should I do? At this point it's either completely cut these people out of my life or go on living like this and watching the man I love suffer. By the way, his family has been completely accepting and supportive of our relationship (at least we are getting support some where). Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): It's a no-contest. You love this man and that's all that should matter. You know your family are in the wrong. You're with him.
I wouldn't instantly recommend complete severance from your family either, certainly not on a permanent basis, if it's been a generally loving and supportive upbringing. Family ties are strong, your family will always be your family, and it's in all of your interests to get on as well as possible. But they need to know they've dropped the ball big-time on this one, and a period of non-contact might be very helpful, forcing them to confront whether their love for their daughter is stronger than their inherent racism.
The racism itself is obnoxious, pathetic and indefensible, but doesn't automatically mean your parents are bad people. But you speak of 'harassment' - I'm not sure from your post how nastily this has manifested itself. How do they behave towards him directly? Are they friendly to his face, but pass remarks as soon as he turns his back? Or, civil but chilly? Or overtly abusive to him (in which case you need to tell them where to go)?
This man is potentially the father of their grandchildren - not suggesting you'll always be together, but you might, right now you want to marry him, and your mother's observation about mixed-race offspring is pretty disturbing.
Racists sometimes change their minds. I have a decrepit alcoholic Scots uncle, a pitiful and in some ways deeply unlikeable character whose entire identity, for much of his life, has more or less been bound up with a strain of vicious Ulster-loyalist, anti-Irish, anti-black 'thinking' that's not exactly unknown among males of his generation and social background. He had major issues with his sister marrying an Irish 'Fenian', but eventually took such a shine to the children they produced (me and my sister) that he recanted his views. He continued to hate blacks (from a position of not knowing any of them as people) until he was rescued from an almost-certain beating by two black guys who stood up for him. Now, he can't stop apologising for his previous outlook, saying how wrong he was, how we're all God's children etc. Doesn't really excuse the way he used to go on, but it proves that people can change.
You need to test whether your family is capable of similarly overcoming and disowning their present racism. I'm sure you've already made major efforts to tell them how you feel, but I suggest you have a major talk with them and tell them this has to STOP, and if they can't accept him, they can't have a family relationship with you.
Then leave it to them work out the errors of their ways and see if they come around full circle. If not, it's their loss, their fault, and you can't say you didn't try.
A
female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (25 August 2009):
 I think this story is so sad and far to common. I am from the north of england a poor and inherently racist part of the country. My brother is so racist it hurts my feelings and he once said to me that "if you dated a "nigger"(i hate that term) then i would have to think twice about you being my sister. I love my brother but if i were to date a black guy i wouldn't give a sh*t what he thought. Please stay with your b/f and ignore what your parents say. If they love you they will lean to accept your choice of partner. Who you love is not there choice nor do they have the right to chose for you. He sounds like a loverly man maybe you shouldn't ditch your family but maybe put some distance between them and your relationship. I don't understand why people have to treat each other this way over something as trivial as skin colour.
Good luck angel you obviously leant respect and they need to grow up a bit. xx
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A
female
reader, smartnsexy +, writes (24 August 2009):
I loved a man, but my parent and other family didn't like him I was cold to the man I loved, because I trusted my family.Eventually he dropped me because he said "the thrill is gone".I was so alone and hurt... I made a mistake and it was too late. He moved on. Try very hard to think about what makes you happy, what makes you smile and laugh... who do you think of when you wake up and when you look at the stars... if you are saying his name, then stand up for him. Ultimately families should want your happiness, regardless of how they feel.Has anyone given you the "blood id thicker than water line"? If you research the true meaning it's not about family blood, but who you would sacrifice for.
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A
female
reader, Aries15 +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Hiya hun xxx
I have to say i have a friend who is in a similar situation and this is nearly breaking her. I know its difficult but you cannot cut your family off as it sounds as if they have been good parents to you in the past. And sooner or later you will need and want your family around you.
However, I dont believe you should break up with your boyfriend he seems like a lovely man and a real catch. Are you certain the only reason your family dont want you to be with him is because of his race? Think how they have reacted to your previous boyfriends and consider the fact that they may be afraid of letting you go. If this is the case then you have to talk to them and if its not you need to give them an ultimatum; either accept me and my boyfriend or neither of us. If they chose to accept set down some ground rules and if they don't then you deserve much better parents and it would be best to scare them a bbit and keep away for say a month? and see how that goes for you.
Hope this works out xoxo
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (24 August 2009):
 How your parents feel about your partner is THEIR problem.
If you want to be with this guy you need to explain to your parents once again that this is the guy you've chosen to be in your life regardless of his colour.
People often keep prejudiced about things they are fearful of and not know enough about.
If your parents continue to be rascist then all you can do is let them go on with their lives because hatred is not a good energy to be around.
Ultimately if your partner is good to you then keep him.
Respect your parents but dont let them rule your life with their hatred of blacks.
This is your life you know whats best for you and if its being with this guy then do it.
Good luck!
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