A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi my name is michellei have been married for 20yrs, unhappily for 10yrs to a much older man. ( 30yrs my senior.) I have been having an affair to a single man for the last 4yrs and love him very much. My problem is, that he doesn't like me to say I love him and didn't even get me a valentines day card, although when we are together he is very attentive. I know that I am the only woman in his life, but if he doesn't love me, why does he not move on and get a regular girlfriend. I run my own buisness, he isn't working at the moment and shares an apartment with a friend.He makes me so happy, but I can't help but feel I am being used to fill a gap in his life, until he has a job and a place of his own.I feel that I should leave the relationship and suffer my hum drum marriage, although my friends suggest continuing the affair for a little happiness.would I be foolish to continue being used, or is he using me ?
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affair, move on, older man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 He Is Not Old And Ugly – He Is God’s Gift !
If all of us can think that way , then our marriage life or relationship will be happy and blissful. Instead we tend to look on the externals and get turned off by what we see. It is not what shape or form he comes in but it is his heart and his soul that counts.
It is like the story of ‘Beauty and the Beast.’That is why when you truly love a person , you will never think or be affected by his external physical form but by his inner soul. That fantastic and lovely creature which live under that shell which make him ‘Da Man.’
Perhaps you need to look at him from another woman's eyes and see why other woman find him desirable.
Or perhaps you need to change the way you have treated him or taken him for granted.
reference:-
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2008/07/21/he-is-not-old-and-ugly-he-is-gods-gift/
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 February 2010):
This is the pressures of modern living . There is no more love and happiness in your marriage anymore and you seek it outside of your marriage.
He is the answer to your emotional needs. He is not working and is always available like a toyboy.
He can fulfill your emotional needs and makes you happy.
You are mutually using each other for your own needs .
He is giving you the attentions and the love which you crave and can't find in your marriage.
In return ,he gets sexual favours from you and some form of financial support .
Some day you will get tired of him and find another new prospect . Life goes on.
Forbidden fruit is always sweet.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 Sorry to be harsh, but.......Quote; "If he doesn't love me why doesn't he move on and get a regular girlfriend?"Well, you asked the question, but I have one for you. If you despise your husband so much that you can carry on with such deceit and disrespect towards him, why don't you divorce and move on?" The man you're having an affair with doesn't love you, in fact he doesn't even like you that much. If you were available he'd run a mile at high speed. Stop kidding yourself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 February 2010):
A married man will have an affair for sex because there is no commitment. A man will have an affair with a married woman for the same reason. You are married, so the question of commitment never comes up. He sees you as this; A married woman who is just after sex and is easily used because she is so unhappy. Yes, he is using you. Now you know that you're not just after sex, but after the love. You're both using each other to fill a gap. He wants the sex. You want the love and emotion. If that's what you want, then both the men in your life aren't right. If you're unhappy in your life, you'd do better to end it with both men and spend some time by yourself thinking about what you want.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Should you continue deceiving your husband? I'd say no. And it doesn't matter what this person gives you. No he didn't give you a valentines card, and he's not in love, just wants sex. Some people who go with married people do it because they know they are already committed, so that question won't come up.
You will not be able to fix what's within your marriage if you look outside your marriage for an answer. You also owe him honesty. You had the affair, keeping that secret and taking away his choice to continue being married or to move on, under the circumstances is extremely selfish, and adds to the crumbling marriage. If you're really not happy with your husband, get divorced instead of seeking something else in addition to.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (21 February 2010):
Firstly its not just him using you; you are also using him. How do you expect him to commit to you when you are married? Between the two of you, you are the one getting the best of both worlds. So he tells himself she is not really mine to love so why should I commit. Like your friends tell you to see him for a bit of fun, his roomates and friends probably tell him you are not commitment material. Think about it. How old is your husband? And why are things so bad between you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): You seem to know the answer to your questions regarding the affair. As you explain it in words,yes, you are being used. I would say its the marriage you should leave,but theres nothing you put saying what has kept you in a marriage what makes you so unhappy. If you love the other guy then the outcome isnt going to be a happy one. Your chance of happiness will be very short lived,if you had the strength i would say leave your marriage and try to distance yourself from the other one before it gets very messy. I can only think that as soon as he does meet someone,you will be the loser. Forget them both,because nothing sounds good about either of them.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Maybe you are both using each other, to an extent. You have to decide, would you rather have an ideal relationship, or two relationships that both force you to compromise things that you want. Out of fairness, you should probably let your husband know you are cheating, if he doesn't know already. And you could try having a serious discussion with this other guy about your feelings for him. I'm guessing he never thought of this affair as a real viable choice because you are married, that might be why much of the tenderness isn't there. Considering its been such a long affair, I imagine that big parts of your relationship with this other man have already been defined. You have a set way of relating to one another. In my opinion, its hard to change these habits, especially to change them for the better. You may not want to count on this affair becoming a terrific relationship. You don't have a great foundation to start from, it sounds like.
But, you should perhaps consider ditching both guys, and starting fresh, if you think you could do that. Neither option sounds like something you really want.
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