A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 25 years. The last four years have been very difficult as I have a condition called CRPS and the pain is debilitating. I have lost all interest in sex. My partner is very supportive and has put up with a lot. I have found out recently that he is on an online sex service and is trying to hook up with someone to have sex with. He has stated that he doesn't want commitment, only sex as he is with me and is only interested in having some fun. I don't know whether to confront him about it as I while I am deeply hurt I am actually not surprised. Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I think talking to him about this is a good idea. It's an issue both of you should be engaged in finding the solution to. He should have come to you first before doing this, because a lack of sex in a relationship is a heartbreaking thing. To feel the gripping need for sexual release and not be able to find it with your partner is an agony all to itself, because he wants to be with you.
Yeah, you need to talk to him. There are many ways to handle this issue. Have you gone to a doctor/sex therapist to find ways to re-ignite your sexual life and desire? I know you're in treatment for CRPS, but it still doesn't have to become your life. I have ESRD, but I refuse to make that the only aspect of my existence. Many of the medicines I take have a side effect of reducing my libido, so I counteract that both naturally by exercise, eating healthy, and keeping my overall physical and emotional well-being a priority.
Your medication can be re-evaluated, especially if you're seeing multiple doctors who prescribe you medicines that can interact. Opiate pain medicine as well as some anti-depressants have a libido-crushing side effect. It may not just be you that has lost interest and need to accept that as a fact of life. Talk to a doctor and start there. Also, if you're not moving every day (walking, running, swimming, staying active in some capacity), now's the time! Eating fatty foods can clog up desire and stamina as well as dragging your mood into the dirt.
This is more complicated than "he's cheating on me", though if he's had sex, then he HAS cheated. He committed a grave error with what he's done, but I think the solution is more complicated if the two of you want to stay together.
Some people with health issues actually agree to open the relationship to allow the spouse who is needing sexual release to find it in impersonal encounters, but I can't see that happening in your case, because you were hurt emotionally at the thought of his seeking out these encounters.
Talk to him. You both need to find a solution...you need relief and so does he.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I think you need to talk to him about this as it seems he has needs that you can no longer fulfil.
Perhaps some counselling might help and also a visit to your doctor to see if anything more can be done to help you with your pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I am so sorry you are in this situation! As if having a debilitating medical condition isn’t enough now you find out your partner of 25 years is actively trying to cheat on you. Yes you should bring this up! No one "needs" to have sex per so he can always masturbate to relieve the tension. The fact is that you two need to discuss the changed nature of your relationship and his needs that are going unmet and why he sees this as an acceptable outlet. And now on top of that you’re hurt at his infidelity. It is a difficult subject but the problem is there so pretending it isn't won’t make it go away. It’s better to have things out in the open. You may not reach a solution immediately but it’s important to be talking about this. Your relationship has been turned upside down now.
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