A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I dump my girlfriend?We have been together for about a year now. My problem is I always feel I am the one driving our relationship and organising things for us and doing things for her.My bday was on this sat just gone and she didnt do anything. no card, no nothing, and she didnt txt me until after 6.30pm. All my mates and even ex's sent me txts before her. I havent said anything cos its seems totally wimpy to say anything about it but it did really piss me off. I took her to liverpool for a suprise on her bday a month or two ago, got an amazing hotel, took her out to dinner, organised some special stuff for her, flowers, the works i totally smashed it. But in return, and i didnt do it for her expecting alot back, but something would have been nice.There is a subtext, she was planning to take me to the dorchester in london a v nice hotel but we had been arguing, as we have been doing *alot* recently, and when i said it would have been nice if she had jus organised something and suprised me like i have done for her *so many times*, she got upset and said thats it we're not doing anything for your bday now cos its ruined. so i guess its my fault for not being appreciative. i do have high standards and expectations. I treat a woman really good and i do expect at least some of it back. im old fashioned and i believe men should treat women like queens and protect them. however i like a woman to be independent and have initiative and not wait around for me to do things. ive tried to get her to grasp that but it is just not happening.she is amazing in a lot of ways and the most attractive woman i think i will ever have. shes the type she lights up a room and everyone loves her. but she is 27 (im 28) and she has only had one partner before me and that was in her teens. so she is totally inexperienced and not good at relationships. im not expert either but ive had a few girlfriends and ive learnt to be more patient and how to give women what i think they want. although it hasnt helped me at all. and the sex has more or less dried up. she used to love it, but it got to a point i wanted more from her. she would talk about it all the time and etc but she would never initiate it. even though i told her she should, and she agreed it would not happen. so basically its got to a point where my attraction to her has fallen off a bit, and there is resentment there too. again the question...why is it always me?i do so much for this girl, ive got her more flowers and stuff then all the girls in my previous relationships put together. i have gone out of my way to show her how much i care and stuff. but she cant even get me flippin card on my bday? it just feels like im getting played.we were arguing a month or two ago and she txted me that she loves me. i was totally shocked.i didnt say it back, because i dont feel it. i wont say it until i really mean it im not a kid. she took it badly and suggested we break up. i managed to calm her down and explain that it takes me a long time im not open like that.but the thing is its me who shows love to her all the time. making special efforts, doing stuff for her etc. whereas she doesn't. so the thing is i dont even believe her when she said it. it didnt effect me cos i just thought what ever you dont love me, you probably dont even know what it is.sorry for this long thing but i needed to get this out its doing my head in. basically im not getting what i want or deserve from her and i feel like a wimp just waiting for her to appreciate me. ive said to her so many times i need more from you. but i dont get it. im not a kid any more i want an incredible woman to make a future with and i dont think im gonna get it here no matter how long i wait. if she dont know me by now...as the song goes.so...im interested in what women think to this? should i see the light and dump her and move on (i'll probably always regret it, in so many ways she is so special beautiful and unique).or do i try to make it work and probably be resentful?i cant decide..
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male
reader, CommonSpencer  +, writes (13 May 2009):
I had a girlfriend treat me like this and turns out she was such a witch that she was purposefully being mean to me to get me to break up with her so that she could get out of the relationship to get back with her baby's dad with dilapidated teeth. She initiated the relationship with me and I thought I loved her. It ended when I found out she had been cheating and I called her up to break it off. Allot of girls are narcissistic and childish and aren't able to take blame for their actions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys - i really appreciate it.everything u said makes a lot of sense.
I ended up speaking to her about it last night. I tried to keep a cool head but, well it didnt happen so much. I wasnt shouting but it wasnt a totally calm convo either!
She said she didnt txt till later because we had had an argument on the friday. wasnt a full argument, but it was something. and that when shes angry she cant be cool with me or forget it and just send a txt. she admitted that she was wrong and should have txted, but at the same time said i was being pedantic about the timing and it wasnt such a big deal.
We just went round in circles for 2 hours on the phone. she felt i was rubbing salt in the wound by going over it so much, and she kept justifying it by saying she was angry cos of the argument on friday. she was like, ive apologised what else do you want me to do you dont want to move forward you just want to keep going over it.
it wasnt like i kept having a go at her but i just couldnt understand why she would be like that. she would just say oh you should know how i feel about u. thing is she was being aggressive and even if she was apologising her tone was really angry and that dont exactly get me in a good mood. i really just get the feeling she cant be assed.in her world, she apologises and thats it i should be able to be ok again. that dont fly with me.
then she really took the biscuit and asked me if i had found someone else because im acting different. i said of course im acting different cos i didnt think you could be this rude to me. asking if ive found someone else is so disrespectful. see normally im positive even when we are arguing and she is really negative so i usually encourage her a bit. this time im not like that cos im really at the end of my rope. she then kept insinuating ive found someone else, and then got upset with me for "ruing her TV audition" which was in the morning. (did i mention shes a sometime actress...maybe thats why she is a nut bar??)
why the f*** am i bothering??!!! a card from her came in the post this morning, but its too little too late really.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 May 2009):
 I think you sound like an amazing boyfriend! As a woman, I think that it is important to show the man in your life that they mean something to you. If I couldnt have been with you to celebrate your birthday, I would have called, not just sent a text! That was mean of her, and totally inconsiderate. Its nice to get presents and suprises, but it is also nice to give them - I find more so. The fact that she couldnt even be bothered to text you before 6.30 pm to wish you happy birthday suggests that she is not thinking about you. She was acting like a petulant child, by telling you she was thinking of organising something, then not doing it after you have "misbehaved" by arguing with her. THis was her way of teaching you a lesson for not doing what SHE wanted. She sounds like she always wants to be the centre of attention a little. You say she doesnt have much experience? Does she like the idea of being in "love" - flowers/presents/rose-tinted glasses? The kind of thing portrayed in fairy tales when the princess gets swept off her feet and doesnt need to put any work into making the relationship work? You know this isnt the reality. Relationships are give and take.I suggest you talk to her. Tell her that you feel your relationship is very one sided, and explain to her that its not about you giving and her taking. She needs to put some emotional effort into the pot.You need to ask yourself some questions - I cannot tell you if you should or shouldnt dump her.How do you see this relationship in 2 yrs, 5 yrs time?Could you deal with still being in a one-sided relationship, with little or no sex?You say you are looking for an incredible woman to make a future with. Relationships are about "partnership" - is she really willing to give of herself to that?Ultimately is she the type of woman you can imagine spending the rest of your life with? I hope you find the answer to your questions, and that things work out for you!Tiger
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Firstly, I don't think you are being a wimp at all. And expecting at least a card for your birthday is completely understandable. I am sorry that you feel so unappreciated.It does seem like you have given this situation a lot of thought. Only you can decide what to do. I understand you worrying that you might regret it if you broke up with her. But there is only so much that you can do. If you feel able to keep trying, then do so, but it sounds like you are at the end of your tether. To be honest, I can't really see her changing. This has been going on for quite a while, and you say that you have told her over and over again what you would like from her. It sounds like she isn't even trying to make any effort. My concern is what you pointed out - resentment. This might make you feel worse as time goes on, and as long as you feel unappreciated and not valued, more damaging things might surface. Like low self-esteem, a feeling of despondency, bitterness.If this is getting too much for you, then I would advise getting out of the situation. She might even realise what she is missing, and make more of an effort. Whatever you decide, good luck. I hope things work out well for you. x
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Well this seems like a bit of two things.Before I go on, Have you discussed this with her calmly instead of ending up in an arguement? I am not saying its your fault, but think about broaching the subject with a cool head.Are you sure you dont you have unrealistic expectations?See we tend to measure our relationships in gratification. Degrees such as "I did this for her, so she better be doing this for me". While we think we are striking an equal balance, in reality we set ourselves up to become resentful and "keep score".Right now you are keeping score.No one ever lives up completely to our expectations, and when we build it up it only gets torn down.Granted the Bday thing was a little fishy. For her to say "now we aren't going". I doubt highly whether or not she even had it planned. For someone to just arbitrarily declare that your B day is not worth the effort,it doesn't seem like she is really that into you.And I have to say that yes if you feel that you arent getting what you deserve, you may need to let this one go.But learn from this experience that people we love dont always do what we want,as much as we'd like to think that since they love us that they should.
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