A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should i ask a male friend if he would be a sperm donor for me ? we are both single and have known each other for a year and half we are not very close but often text to check in with each other , he has no children and isnt looking for a relationship with anyone, not long after we met we did sleep together a few times because we had a bit of an attraction but due to him wanting freedom he didnt want to have a full on relationship. Im 43 so no time on my side i have already looked into adoption and fostering but at this moment in time it doesnt fit in with me the same as having my own baby , i am looking at adoption further down the line, i am wanting a baby and not wanting to fill my time with travel or anything else, this is something i have always wanted but i never met the right man. I would give my friend chance to be involved if he wanted or if he wanted to wait until the child turns 18 thats also fine with me. I have a big support network around me. Sperm donor from a stranger isnt an option for me as i personally think it gets complicated with someone donating quite a few times to lots of different people. I would know medical history from my friend also ,how should i go about asking him ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2020): Im the op. I did ask him he was very surprised he said he was speechless and didnt know where to start , i did say we would have to have a detailed chat about things if he was to consider it and if he wants to say no it doesnt affect our friendship i also put its not just about donation its if he wants any involvement and everything else, hes not replied so i can only guess hes thinking what to do and what to say but i am preparing for a no
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 September 2020):
 Like both Code Warrior and WiseOwlE suggested this is not a simple or straight forward request.
I would ALSO suggest you contact a lawyer. Not just for your friend's sake but for yours and the potential child's. Do this BEFORE you ask. A child made with HIS sperm and your eggs are NOT just yours. Biological and legally.
How to ask him? I would do this in PERSON. This is not a text conversation. I would tell him that your biological clock is ringing loudly and you feel that having a child is where you are at, and since you are single it would have to be through a "donation" of sperm. However, you don't want the "father" to be some random Joe. That He (if he chooses to participate) can have as little or much involvement as HE chooses. That you expect no financial involvement. And give him time to think this over. If he says, "no thanks" accept it.
Something along those lines.
Also DO consider HOW many tries you are willing to do (and he is, if he agrees). At 42, you are at the late end of fertility, so getting pregnant, and staying pregnant can be much harder. I'd say, start a prenatal vitamin and a folic acid supplement before you try to conceive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2020): I agree with CW. you can approach the subject tactfully with him starting with stating that you wish to have a baby and considering the idea of having a sperm donor.. and see what his reaction will be and carry it from there. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2020): My cousin was faced with the same question in the past year and this June she decided to buy sperm from a clinic in Denmark from a open donor (meaning that the child will be able to find out his identity later on, but you have closed donors as well). The donors get thorough physical exams and their family medical history is also checked. You get to read about everything.She realized that having a friend for a sperm donor leaves her and her child vulnerable. There are no legal agreements that would make him just a donor where he would have no rights or obligations later on, so he too is vulnerable.Your idea that it gets complicated if someone is a multiple sperm donor is not a problem since you can buy the sperm that person has ever donated from a clinic.You cannot control everything. The friend you mention may have kids he doesn't know about or he may have kids in the future he will or won't know about.My cousin found a clinic in Budapest, where she did the IVF and the sperm she order by Internet arrived at that clinic. You can also do it in Denmark but it's waaaay more expensive. That's why she did it in Hungary. She looked into countries that offer, what for us from the "West" seem to be cheaper services.Btw, knowing someone for a year and a half when we're in your forties is not such a long time. I wouldn't say that you really know that man. You know what he chose to disclose, you were not with him when his life was happening.And having already a sexual relationship with him only complicates matters. For both of you.You may think that he doesn't want kids now and he may think that he never will, but he can change his mind (as my biological father had done) and asked to be involved in a way that you won't be comfortable with. Unlike women, unless if they are really rich, men can't decide to have a kid on their own. It's just the way it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2020): I suggest that you seek some legal advice before you go through with such a thing. What people feel today could change tomorrow, or years into the future. He may be fine with only being your donor, with no financial-involvement or responsibility. Later, he may decide he wants to be actively involved in parenting the child; and want full paternal-rights and visitation.
I think you better workout all the legal ramifications and implications before you do get pregnant. He may decide he doesn't like your parenting-style, or have issues with your life-style; and there could be a custody battle somewhere down the road. He could marry, have fertility issues; and suddenly your child is also his child.
People never consider what the child will want in the future. He or she may not like the idea of you denying them the benefit of having both parents in a single or cohesive family-unit. They have a right to know, and be in-contact with, their biological-father. Like fathers are optional. Men are not here just for the convenience of supplying sperm. Although some do breed as if they're stud-animals on a farm; their only contribution to fathering offspring is being there at conception.
Protect yourself, decide how you will workout issues when the child is curious about what happened to his/her father; and avoid future child-custody battles out of the blue.
Prepare for future challenges. Don't act impulsively, thinking you'll get a free kid with no strings attached; or never run into any unforeseen complications.
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