A
male
age
30-35,
*UT i love her
writes:I kind a have 2 questions , so I'll start at the beginning:My younger brother(19) has always been best friends with a girl "katie".They met each other in elementary school. Katie and I started dating dec 2009. My brother was cool with it, things were great until now of course. My family and I (Katie included) went to a week long family reunion. Katie and my brother are still best friends and hang out a lot. they are really close and talk to each other. My brother is the type of guy that likes to hug his friends and he often hugs Katie. They often go on "dates" out for lunch, shopping , movies , sport events etc. They have always had an obession with the horror films "Scream" , the town that we were staying in had a fun raiser at one of their theatres and played all 4 Scream movies back to back and the 2 of them went alone together. I stayed home because I have no interest in those movies. One of my cousin asked me if I thought it was weird that Katie and my brother hung out. I said no because they have always been firends. So then he kept saying things like " she's really pretty and they stay up all night talking" or "doesnt it bother you that he hugs her" stuff like that. I never really thougth abotu it until then and it did kinda make me think. so I went and talk to my dad and my uncle was there and he said he thought they were "to close for comfort" and he said my brother looked at katie in away that only gusy with crushes look at girls. My dad jsut laughed and said nothing. so know my head is racing because I dont want to not trust them but at the same time I dont want to be a fool and have my brother trying to get it on with my gf. I dont want either of them to be upse twith me but I cnat stop thinking about them together. Should I ask my brother if anythign is goign on or am I worryign for nothing?
View related questions:
best friend, cousin, crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Calm down. You asked what he meant and he told you. What I was going to write before I read your post was that maybe he had feelings for her that he had trouble telling her because she was so good of a friend. And then you came along and snatched her up. Hate to break it to you, but they've been friends longer than you and her have been together. I know it sucks, but their descision to tell you what happened between them is their choice. It was their relationship. And if she didn't care before, than you shouldn't. We let things like that impact our relationships. Think about it. Before, when you didn't know and she didn't care, you were fine. Now you know and its not fine. If you decided that it doesn't matter, you would've been fine.
anyway, they were friends first and they did date first. It sucks they didn't tell you, but honestly i don't think theres much to worry about.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): He had sex with her when you weren't in the picture then they moved on in friends and you then probably just jumped into the picture quite quickly, your brother didn't tell you because it wasn't your business, it was between them.
...............................
A
male
reader, BUT i love her +, writes (23 June 2011):
BUT i love her is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I decided to talk to my brother himself and I guess there was more to the story then I thought. He sai dhe had NO feeling what so ever for Katie but he did admit that at one time he did, he said it was before we started dating but thye "did their thing" and they realized they wer ebetter off friends. When I asked him what he meant by "did their thing" and he said he didnt want to talk about it and it lead to a huge fight where he admitted that they had sex. I think I would have rathered hear him say that he liked her rather then that he fucked my gf first. so right now you could say I'm more hen alittle pissed that neither one of them could have told me about it before now. Is great knowing your brother fucked your girl and now they hang out all the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, muso888  +, writes (23 June 2011):
I'm so glad to read your post OP, I hope that it means everything is at rest for you. Good luck to you, your girlfriend and your family, it sounds as if you have a lovely relationship with all.
...............................
A
male
reader, BUT i love her +, writes (23 June 2011):
BUT i love her is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my dad why he laughed and he said that he seen all this coming. He said that Katie has been such a HUGE part of my brothers life (she calls my mom "mom" because her mom passed away when she was little)that he was shocked it took this long for problems to come up. My dad said that he aske dmy brother the very first nigth I took katie on a date how he felt about it and he said my brother told him that he loved katie ina way he never felt before and he thougth she was cute but he didnt look at her in the dating way because he valued their friendship more then any other type of relationship. My dad also said that the when he sees katie and I together he thinks we both seem comfortable and happy. and he thought by bringing up something to either one of them might upset them since they dont hide their friendship and that they often invite me along them. he did make one very good point in a yr and half I never once thought about it until someone else pointed it out. Honestly I have seen the 2 of them spend so much time together in the past 10+ yrs that it seems second nature for them to hang out shows how must trust I have in both of them. and it is true. If anyone in the world I would katie hanging our with it would be my brother, because like m I know that he cares about her (even thougth we both care about her in different ways) I know he would protect her and I know that no matter what he is her one true friend that she goes to for advice so why woudl I want to ruin that for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (23 June 2011):
I totally disagree with our anon male poster.Of course anyone suggesting what your cousin has said would make you feel insecure; in the past I even suspected my best friend of having feelings for my bf just because someone suggested it. We were all friends before, and we are all still friends now. It was completely unfounded. And it wasn't something I would have come up with on my own.Try not to let idle comments ruin what you have.Your gf and your brother were best friends for a long time!! It's a wodnerful thing that your family gets on well with your girlfriend. As 'Talkinghelps' has stated, you should have thought about how you would feel going out with someone so close to your brother. Who knows what the future holds; you may marry this girl; she and your brother may end up together; both you and your brother could end up just good friends with her or never seeing her again. But you have to trust them - they are friends and without any actual proof or any actual behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable (BEFORE your stirring cousin suggested it) it would be very sad to create a tension in their friendship that does not already exist.So in short, my advice would be to let it go. Talk to your brother if you feel necessary but don't go in guns blazing and demand to know if he is putting the moves on your gf: just say nicely that your cousin had said that he thought he liked her and is it true? Have a gentle and honest conversation about it, and listen to the answer. Even if he does have feelings for her I doubt very much he would ever act on them because you are with her. Good luck! Keep us posted :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): You knew going into this relationship that your brother and Katie had a relationship already - a long history and a close friendship together .. my feeling is that your brother respects and values you and her too much to let any feelings he might have (& lets face it he is human so lets assume he has feelings for her & vice-versa) come into play.
Have you ever considered that maybe your brother finds it weird to think of his friend in a relationship with you? - It works both ways - she was his friend first ... then along comes you! ... Also .. how would you and Katie breaking up impact on his friendship with her - is he meant to take sides - support her as her friend - support you as his brother by not including her in things he would of previously and would like to continue to do so given she is a friend..or is he the rebound guy and how is that going to work? ... Lots of things I bet you never even thought about!
I would suggest that maybe your dad laughed because he could see all this coming a mile off and has been waiting for this to register with you on some level ... I would also suggest that he is now thinking .. Great what a mess!!
Saying something to your brother ... whether there is something going on with he and Katie or not ... could damage your relationship with him - you need to seriously consider WHO is more important to you - your brother or Katie and stop all the blah blah blah poor me crap/what if mind stuff and consider how this must have been for him ... to date he has shown himself to be amazingly supportive and loyal to you (despite you hitching up with his friend) ... give him credit for this ... worrying about his friendship with her now is somewhat belated and will totally cause problems if you say something - because they had the relationship first!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): To be honest, you're the one who broke into their friendship group. They were and are best friends, you shouldn't really have got involved if you have a problem with your brother who has been closer for longer with this girl if you have a problem with them hugging and going to movies.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): If there is nothing going on now, then you can be reasonably sure that there will be in the future.
I would make it clear to your brother that you are watching how they are behaving around each other. Make your position clear - don't just stand back and be walked over.
At the very fundamental level, your brother should have respect for you and hugging your partner, going for lunches and cinema dates are all crossing the line - even if nothing has happened yet.
...............................
|
