A
male
age
41-50,
*leva
writes:Hi can you help me? I split up with my partner 2007 we have 2 kids together, 4 and 3 years old. She's been dating and bringing all different sorts of men into my kids life; she can't stick to one man. I want to hear your advice and what negative impact is this going to have in my kids life environment.
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 September 2009):
 This could have an extremely detrimental effect on your children's social development; the attachments we form in early life set a kind of template which we tend to follow as we go. Unstable attachments (such as you describe - male figures always coming and going!) can lead to social withdrawal, antisocial behaviour and so on.
Though your ex does have the right to a social life, she does need to be gently warned that introducing her various men to both of your children is a potentially unwise move, and something that needs careful consideration. Make sure you remain a constant male role model in your childrens lives, so that they do not lose faith in men as much as anything!
You are right to be worried and please do raise this issue with your ex.
Good luck :) xx
A
female
reader, redheaded +, writes (11 September 2009):
Dear FlevaFirstly I think you should arrange a sit down talk with your ex partner where you can discuss how the two of you could ensure a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Ask her what she thinks you could do to improve as a father and explain how important it is to you for them to be happy. Discuss your concerns in a way that does not imply blame on her, rather that you believe that while the two of you are no longer together you would like to show a united front and that you would like to be a strong male role modal in their lives. Show you understand that as a single woman she is free to date whoever she wants and you support her in finding happiness. That you know she only wants the best for your children and that she is doing a great job, though you are a little concerned that perhaps some of the people in her life may not be a good influence on them and give her time to speak her mind. Perhaps getting it out in the open and discussing it in a calm manner may be enough to show the truth of the situation. The first talk may not go as well as you may hope but it will be the first step in a long road, after all, you will both be their parents for the rest of your lives so it is important to be stay on topic and composed. Secondly, you are right to be concerned for your two children, we are all a product of our environments, however, you make no mention of the men actually causing the children harm, rather that the amount of men causes you discomfort. It is important to remember, as their father, you also have a huge impact and can make a difference in their lives. As they grow you can teach them morals and self-respect etc and be a good role modal all children deserve. Spend time with them and create a balance in their lives, they are both still very young and any possible negative impact can be over ruled children are, after all very resilient. You should also be assured that at the very least, they have one loving parent who has gone out of his way to seek advice for their benefit which shows they have someone to rely on which every child needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Although she is allowed to date and have a life, it sounds as if none of these relationships are very stable or long-term. Of course it could have an impact on children, particularly in terms of their emotional stability and understanding of adult-relationships. Having said that, some children are more resilient to this than others. You should talk to her about your concerns, but try to state that you are not jealous or interested in her love life as such. You can listen for subtle signs of 'boyfriend trouble' from your children - even young children have ways of expressing their discontent with family arrangements. If you have any strong concerns about child protection then you should consult with a solicitor specialising in family law as you may wish to apply for custody if the home life of your children is really chaotic and unstable. However, I think open communication with your ex would be a first step really.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 September 2009):
 I agree with Old guy. I do not believe that it is healthy for any children to be "exposed" to a long string of partners, specially if it is nothing serious.
Talk to her about it, you two should be able to set some guide lines maybe? I know it can be hard to tell someone you are no longer in a relationship with how to do stuff, but for the sake of your kids she ought to at least listen.
I would think that after having know a guy ( or girl) for a period of maybe 6 months and they believe it is serious to introduce them to the kids.
I do think a Dad should have a say in this, though it is ultimative up to her if she is raising them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): I've always thought that exposing children to serial partners is a very bad idea. These are the child's formative years, and they're shown an example of no commitment in relationships. In addition, their home should be their sanctuary -- a safe place with only people they can and do trust. A parent bringing home dates takes that away from their child.
If you have been through a formal divorce, with a court-adjudicated agreement that awards your ex custody, you might consider challenging it in court. Of course, you'd require proof that she's bringing the kids up in an unsuitable environment.
Regardless, be there for your kids, keep advocating on their behalf, and running interference for them.
...............................
|
