A
male
age
41-50,
*buk
writes:As unbiased and truthful as it happened.Im in a relationship, 90% of the time its fine, we have our normal ups and downs as every one does. But everynow and again things get blown out of proportion.She's not the tidiest of people and Im willing to live with her general inability to put things back where they belong, Im at the other end of the scale probably as I've worked in factories as middle management all my life and as such have had it drilled into me for H and S reasons. She is in full time higher education.Tonights episode involved me whinging at her for dropping litter all over the floor, and not bothering to pick it up and resting an oily chain of a bike against an extremely expensive coat which is a couple of weeks old.So after the moan at her for the coat/oily chain. I asked her why she had just chucked an empty crisp multi pack on the floor and why a plastic carrier bag had been left on the floor, there was some tension in the air already, with her telling me that I bully her and call her names, this is the usual retort to any sort of questioning off her ability to clear up behind herself. I was relatively calm at this point as the whole episode was only a minor, and hoped that she would realise that its not on and pick the rubbish up from the kitchen floor.Her response was to tell me to pick it up, I lost my cool and poured the cooking dinner on the floor (not the best move) and told her to clean it up. This as you can imagine caused an eruption. She hit me in the head , pulled my hair and screamed obsenities at me, and finished the attack of with a couple of kicks. Off she ran to the front room shouting and screaming names at me, whilst I cleaned the dinner up which I had also managed to pour all down my legs as well.With dinner cleaned up, she phoned her mother had a good vent at her and calmed down somewhat accompannied by bouts of uncontrollable tears and sobbing.This is not the first time she has hit me, and luckily I dont think there are many visible if any marks on my head, but I have a thick ear and some other marks on the top of my head where her jewlery must have caught me. Some superficial marks on my body. The worst damage being to me mentally.I love her to bits, and want her to see that arguements happen, but she needs to control her anger/flash point.Any advice? Both on how to not be called a bully for asking her to do some normal human functions and also on the violence?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): You just wanted to her to explode. You sound like a moaner, if she says your bullying her, hey maybe you are?? If I was really angry and then my partner just decided to throw water on the floor, I properly lash out too. Your are not innocent in this, yes she needs to be tider but hey maybe you should try a diffrent approach aside from moaning? Moaning never helps from either genders im afraid
A
male
reader, gbuk +, writes (1 April 2008):
gbuk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the posts so far its a great help.
Im not thinking the best at the moment, and have said enoughs, enough. This is the third time that she has physically hit me (the previous two have not been started through any non direct or direct violence) and every time I go back.
Shes pulled out the paracetamols and left them piled up in theor packets, not sure shes taken any....
Its 11 pm and I want to sleep ready for work tomorrow.
An upset gbuk
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A
female
reader, Jmo  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 I think I can relate to your situation. I'm a slob. At least that's how my boyfriend views it and he's kind of a neat freak. I have sort of an "I'll get to it when I feel like it" attitude and can only find things if they're where I left them and he needs everything to be out of sight or he gets obsessive compulsive about cleaning the whole damn house and gets angry with me. And when I tell him to settle down he starts throwing things (like you've said you do yourself). I take that as an act of aggression and a form of violence in itself and admittedly, there have been times when I've felt threatened and instinctually hit him. I'm not saying it's justified... it's not. Just remember that one act of aggression makes it that much more likely that another one will follow and the situation will escalate before either of you know what happened.
On the bright side, your situation isn't hopeless. This used to cause alot of problems the first couple of years my boyfriend and I started living together and has been getting better in the last year. The biggest help (and I know this sounds so cliche) was more effective communication regarding the issue (when we're not upset) and a little compromise. I promised I'd TRY to be a little neater, put things away in a timely manner and not get so defensive, if he'd TRY not to put things away while I'm still using them or jump down my throat if a glass is on the table or start throwing things because I don't feel like cleaning at the moment. We've both made the effort in the past year and while it's still an issue from time to time, there's been a vast improvement.
With regards to her "flash point" maybe she could use some anger management. Maybe not, I can't say. I just know it's not cool for her to get violent, just as it's not cool to throw things around. Both are destructive acts of behavior, both are acts of aggression, and both are counterproductive. Sorry for the long post.
-Jmo
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A
female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Two words: Anger. Management.Get her enrolled in anger management classes. Hopefully this should teach her to not get so violent. She could actually get in serious trouble for doing that. She really needs to learn to control her violence. If she doesn't then you could end up seriously hurt.You could gently talk to her about how it bothers you to be in an untidy house, and you don't like it when your new things get ruined due to her lack of care at that moment in time. Don't yell or moan. Just tell her you don't really like it and offer to help her learn to be more tidy.Wishing you the best.xx
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