A
male
age
41-50,
*f83613
writes:I have been seeing this girl for a while, and we recently became a couple, and I have fallen in love with her. She has told me it takes her a while to fall in love or at least allow herself to feel that strongly because of her past. I have been saying "I love you to her" and she does not answer...which is ok..but recently she has started asking me why I love her. I try to put it all in words, which is hard, and she likes my attempts..but when i press her as to why she keeps asking she says " you have not said the reason i am wanting to hear yet" . Is this normal, no idea what she is talking about...anyone experience this or have an idea???
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male
reader, nf83613 +, writes (5 April 2008):
nf83613 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Well, i wrote a nice email...it seems to have worked. I mean she does not ask me why anymore. She does still just kind of smile when i say it, and she does not say it back...which is ok because i do think people take different amounts of time to be in love. Although i think if it goes on for months like this..i will probably have to talk to her about it.
A
female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 You could tell her that she's a kind, giving, beautiful girl, but that's not why you love her. You love her because she's herself. She's never pretended to be anyone else. You love her for her. Instead of listing all of the reasons, say "I love you because you're you." Or something. That could work. She's either playing mind games or is really insecure.
Wish you the best
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I feel the same as your girl here. If my my boyfriend tells me he loves me then I ask why?? For me at least, I don't know your girl but if she's anything like me then it's because she doesn't understand why you love her. I look around and see other girls and think my boyfriend could be with her, or her... But why me? I think this is what she's trying to get from you
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A
male
reader, nf83613 +, writes (1 April 2008):
nf83613 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok guys, thats really good advice. I am going to see what happens :)
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (1 April 2008):
 bah. mind games. who needs them?
Tell her you dont love her for a reason you just love her. Cos thats true. Thats why you're finding it hard to put into words. Its not like you love her because she is funny, so if she ever stops cracking jokes you'll be gone. Or you love her cos she's nice so if you ever have an arguement she wont see you for dust. There are no reasons, its not the things she does or says its just her.
And she is looking for compliments and reassurance because of her past. Just tell her you cant explain why you love her cos its not one thing. If she loves you she should say it, its not a conditional thing where you love someone if they tell you what you want to hear, you either love someone or you dont. Its not like a reward for saying the right thing.
If you do figure out what she's on about, post an update cos she's got me baffled too lol
take care
Brooke
xx
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A
male
reader, nf83613 +, writes (1 April 2008):
nf83613 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDude is fine :)
I know she is testing me, but im just not sure how to respond to the question "Why?" after I tell her that i love her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): No, I don't think this is normal really.....she sounds like she is testing you for sure, it isn't really fair of her to qualify your I love yous by judging them on the reasons. Tell her you love her because it is a feeling that defies logic....there are many things you love about her, many qualities, but the biggest thing is you love the way it makes you feel to be with her....
Lasting love, true love is actually not a feeling, it is a conscious decision to be worthy of love by your actions and your commitment to the other person. She has not come to this decision and perhaps think you have not either and are focused solely on your feelings just yet....nothing wrong with that, there are stages to love and you are probably in the honeymoon stage and your feelings may subside somewhat and then you will be in the attachment phase which is more calm and sweet and a deeper attachment then just the butterfly in your stomach kind of stuff that most people mistake for the real deal.
Just give your relaationship the time it needs to grow, and she will not always be on the same timeline or in the same place as you are and that is OK.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 I find "nf83613", a bit difficult, so I will call you "dude".
In short:
Dude, your girl is testing you, and I'm afraid you're failing her test.
In extenso:
People do take some time to fall in love. Some people can fall in love faster than others, which I suppose means that some people can see something they "love" faster than others. This could be happening with her. But, also, she is testing the waters. She hasn't said she loves you because she wants to keep her options open. Saying "I love you" would sound like commitment. If she should not find you good enough for her, and she had said she loved you, she'd be in a difficult situation; so she doesn't say the "L" word.
I would be sort of uncomfortable with someone asking me to say "the magic words" if I am to hear that she loves me, too. We all want to be loved for who we are, but I'm afraid that people can love you for reasons that don't exactly need to be the ones you'd like them to love you for. You may love someone because she is caring with you, for example, while she might want you to love her for her sense of independence. Does that make your love less real? If you have said you love her, shouldn't that be enough?
She's taking her time. I suggest you do the same. Think whether she is the one you want. But really think. Don't just let your emotions carry you.
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