A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi my name is david I am in need of help Ive been with my fiance for 6 years now She has a problem with me looking at other girls And watching porn etc.I soon worked this out as around 3 months into the relationship i watched a film and she was very very upset.There had been another occasion later in the relationship where i looked up photos of a fitness model which i knew would upset her. She saw it in my phone history.Just yesterday she saw in my download history photos of another model/fitness model We live together now and she is extremely upset I have never touched another girl or cheated in my on her but i knew how much it would upset her and i think thats why its hurt her I feel horrible She wants to leave me but i love her and i dont want her to leave ive been with her since i was 17 and i cant live without her Can i say or do anything to help ?
View related questions:
fiance, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (7 January 2016):
I'll start this off by saying that I don't actually have an issue with porn myself, but I do understand why some women do which I'll try to explain here.
Basically, men and women get turned on in different ways. Men get turned on by looking at women, whereas women get turned on by feeling desired by men (ie, they are the ones being looked AT). From your girlfriend's point of view, you are taking that desire that she needs from you and you're focussing it on other women. Fitness models no less, so ones she will probably never look like. So now not only is she feeling betrayed that you gave your sexual desire (that she so needs from you, the only man she can have sex with) to another woman, but she's also feeling inadequate because you're giving it to someone society deems much 'hotter' than she is.
Many men don't understand this, but try to flip it around and consider how you would feel if she took your biggest turn on (looking at her) and gave it to other men (so for example, published naked photos of herself online for other men to get turned on BY). Do you not think you'd be a bit gutted that other guys were getting from your gf what you consider to be something that should be saved for you as her boyfriend - visual access to her body for sexual purposes?
She could easily argue that these are just faceless men on the internet somewhere so it's harmless; or that you're away a lot so she had to fulfil that need to be desired in another way, but I doubt accept those excuses would you?
Then what if you gave her another chance, yet kept finding she was doing it over and over behind your back? Would you be ok with that or would you feel betrayed? Would you feel that if your relationship was important to her, then she'd respect you and give up this need for other men to desire her sexually because she knows how much it upsets you?
Im not trying to have a go at you here OP, just trying to let you see this from her point of view and try to understand why this isn't necessarily something she can just 'get over'.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): This is the author of this question
I feel i should im in the defence force and away alot
Which is why sometimes after a while i start to use images and things of that nature
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 It sounds like your girlfriend is a bit insecure.
I do tend to have a different opinion to this than most people, so brace yourself.
My opinion to your fiancee is: get over it. Guys are always going to look at women. Whether it is at the beach, the mall, or computer images. Our first instinct with any interaction with any woman is to analyze her beauty factor and desirability. Sorry, that's how 90% of heterosexual men are wired.
Now, the problem is how you deal with this. If you make it obvious that you are gawking at girls all the time, it will definitely make your partner worry. I know I'd be worried if the woman I was with was checking out guys all the time. But I do know that women do this also -- they tend to be discreet about it. I know I am not Brat Pitt nor a cover model, so I completely get it.
I also know that guys masturbate. Even if they are getting laid regularly, there will come a time when a guy just needs to get off. She may be uncomfortable with the fact that you are pleasuring yourself looking at other women.
I sense that your fiance has some trust issues and some insecurities. It might be worthwhile to sit down and talk about it. If there is something that you are doing (or not doing) that is giving her doubts then maybe you could address them.
If it is just a matter of not ever looking at sexy pictures, then you owe it to yourself to think twice about marrying this woman. I suspect this will be the tip of a larger problem that will grow worse once you are married. I don't know your exact circumstances, but I've seen it be a thorn in many marriages.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): You have now made a bad impression. Women view the act of men turning to porn, and appreciating beauty in other women (or images of pretty women) as cheating. If you commit to being a boyfriend, you have to keep your roving eyes in check.
It steals from their feminine glory, because it's hard enough for them to keep your attention. Men are mentally wired for multiple partners. It's the primitive side of our sexuality. We are also visual creatures. They feel if the eye wonders, the penis will follow it. They work hard at trying to be beautiful, and competing with unrealistic standards of beauty that they feel men crave. Even when they know you don't have a snowball's chance in hell in getting a woman like that, she doesn't feel like competing with your fantasies. As you know, fantasies are extreme and never ending. Most importantly, they are not real! She is! She feels in time, you will get bored with what you've got, and go searching for your fantasy. As many men do!
If you have a girlfriend, and an active sex-life; porn really isn't necessary. You seem too preoccupied with looking at images of girls, and not only is that insulting to your girlfriend; but it's annoying to no end. She's sick of it, because it's a habit bordering on obsession. Not to mention quite juvenile! Most heterosexual females have a very low tolerance for their men checking out other women; even if they're nothing more than a photo. It's the girl in the photo you're salivating over; and they take that all to heart.
You have to show more maturity. Avoid porn, because it will become very addictive over time; and will steal your passion. That is because you'll frequently masturbate, and not leave much lust for your girlfriend. She wants you to view her with the same lust and zeal as you look at those models.
You are also inadvertently setting a standard she feels she doesn't, or cannot, live up to. It makes her feel like that's the type of girl you wish you had, and you're just settling for her. So she's giving you that option.
Save the attention for your lady, and stop gawking in front of her. It's dumb, and you're asking for trouble. Sneaking around doing it is adolescent and creepy. You can admire beauty without being obvious to your girlfriend. She deserves that much respect, don't you think? What if you caught her checking out other guy's packages and bulges? You'd feel she's looking for more than what you've got to offer. Now wouldn't you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 January 2016):
 Can you perhaps explain why you feel a NEED to download pictures of these women?
Any explanation SHE might understand?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): So if you love her to bits and can't live without her then why would you knowingly do something to hurt her?
Now if she was to start looking at naked men etc... Could you handle that?
...............................
|
