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male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I (both in our early twenties) met last summer. She lives six times zones away and so it’s been a 7 month long-distance relationship interspersed with three trips to see each other. To our great frustration, our needs for a relationship are not met because of this distance and limited time (a cumulative month) together. Despite the difficult circumstances, I am very happy that she is a part of my life and these past 7 months together have been wonderful. She wants more commitment on my part and I am not comfortable going as fast as she would like. This is a sore point. She is clearly thinking of marriage and long-term plans with me. I am not. At this stage of my life with two more years of intensive studies and having yet to begin my career, my plans are decidedly out of phase with hers. She wants to move in with me and immigrate. She wants some form of commitment on my part before she takes such a step. I am not comfortable doing so and she was taken aback by this. Our limited time together has revealed that because we hardly have the chance to spend time together some aspects of our relationship, such as public displays of affection and experiencing each other’s respective lives, are lagging behind other aspects and that in some respects we do not “know” each other. I am torn between how happy I am to be with her and my gut feeling that this is wrong, that this is too soon, that I can’t have her make such a personal sacrifice if my heartfelt commitment isn’t there. Reconciling the gap in our expectations of our relationship is frustrating us to no end. Our conversations are heating up and I’m at a loss as to what I can do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. Unfortunately things did not work out on my end. Things had improved dramatically for a while but several weeks later things got very sour and ultimately in the ensuing weeks our relationship ended. I really appreciated your invaluable insights and poignant questions. Thank you for helping me see her side of things so clearly and sharing your personal experience. I’m happy to provide details if you are interested but I don’t do so initially because I’m looking to move on.
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female
reader, 19agegap  +, writes (28 March 2008):
it's funny. but i'm in the exact position as ur gf. I love my bf, but i'm not getting younger and I want commitment while he on the other hand does not want to settle down anytime soon...or even never. I feel that you (or him)...if you love your gf, you should look at her needs and try to cover her interests as much as you can. She might have a time frame as to when she wants to be committed, and you might have yours. To me, the simple way is whether you two can compromise a timeframe somewhere in between. If you really can't compromise yourself to fulfill some of her needs....then I think you do not love her as much as you think. And the best way then is to let her go. Do not keep her for selfish reasons....and at the end you can't even give the woman you love what she wants. Of course, you can say the other way that if she loves you she will understand....but love is about being selfless yourself. Well i think you guys really need to take it out about what each other can offer and whether both of you are happy with what you've decided. of course, things will change. But being the girl in the relationship, all we want is some sort of security. We need to know that we are 'THE ONE', and not 'let's see how it goes'. She might hang around for a bit, but if you still don't want to commit, you might lose her. At least, that's what I'm thinking regarding my bf....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Long distance relationships can be very difficult on both parties, I know because I was in one too. Mine ended happily, after we dated for over two years, although I did have to deliver an ultimatum, much as your girlfriend seems to have done. We ended up getting married, by the way.
I agree with you, things can get heated if both of you are not in phase. The cold hard reality though, is that you are just not ready and she is pushing you too hard. She is going to have to accept that your timing and hers are not the same. That's not your fault, that's not your choice, it just is what it is.... This may be difficult for her to hear and accept, but if she is mature and thinks about it logically rather than emotionally, she may understand better.
You know where you are, I quote you here: "I am torn between how happy I am to be with her and my gut feeling that this is wrong, that this is too soon, that I can’t have her make such a personal sacrifice if my heartfelt commitment isn’t there." That is the truth, and should be respected by her.
I'm going to suggest the book that helped me deal with the relationship in a positive manner, and I think both of you should read it. 'A Fine Romance' by Judith Sills PhD. She may learn something about herself from reading it, and hopefully both of you will have something to discuss calmly and sensibly about the timing. Buy a copy for each of you so that you can read it at the same time... (I have no financial interest in the author or the publisher, by the way.)
I would not take the big step of moving in together if you know your heart is not fully committed.
As far as dealing with her goes, try not to get heated, even if she does. Stay calm, stay focused, stay honest. Fighting with each other isn't going to fix this, so don't let her rile you up about this. Calm, soothing, sensible is the best way to be as you work through this. If she is shouting at you, just be calm, don't shout back. Tell her that you do want to talk with her, but it needs to be when she is calm enough to have a real dialogue.
Wishing you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Are you sure you don't really want her to move in? Obviously, this is a big step in a relationship, but it could help you bring yourselves closer together. Although you're hesitant now, as you say, you need to get to know her a little bit further. Moving in could be the key to a better relationship :] she seems like she likes/loves you a lot, wanting to keep this long distance relationship going. You could maybe buy her a bracelet or friendship ring, to show her you still love her, and aren't just playing about.
It's natural, really, for her to want a more 'grown up' relationship and to move forwards with you. So I'd say consider letting her move in - it could just be what you need to bring you two together. Good luck :]
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