A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:AlloMy girlfriend and i have been together for two years, and we're fine and dandy. Recently though she surprised me by saying she wants sex. She surprised me more then by asking 'What if I was drunk and I had sex with another guy at a party and I didn't know what I was doing, would you be angry?'....what's more this party she attended was yesterday to which she got trashed but she didn't have sex.Why am I all of a sudden feeling out of the blue really worried about the situation. She's never really asked that kind of question before.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): It sounds like she got drunk and cheated with some other guy. Now she is trying to figure out how you will react to the news. I would probably dump her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Were you at this party?
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A
female
reader, kaicora  +, writes (14 November 2009):
Sounds like you have a pretty significant trust issue looming, with a lot of factors to consider.
First off, in this situation there are only a few facts, the rest is going to become speculation. You are going to have to separate the possibilities from your feelings or else this becomes a recipe for disaster.
What we know:
1. Your girlfriend says she wants sex.
2. She got trashed at a party.
3. She wants to know how you would feel if she had sex with another guy.
What we can infer (also fact):
1. She is thinking about sex.
2. She has thought about having sex with another guy (this does not mean she wants to).
3. She is trying to communicate her thoughts to you.
4. She is concerned about how you might react.
What we might interpret (speculation):
1. Lately, she has been sexually aroused and has been having fantasies (welcome or not).
2. She feels guilty for having thoughts about another guy.
3. She wants to relate what is going on in her head to you, because she cares about you/what you think.
What we are left to wonder (speculation):
1. Did she have sex with the other guy and now finds herself ashamed or is she just concerned about a fantasy?
Regardless of what happened/what may have happened, the pot has been stirred, so to speak. It seems something very important, to her at least, is on her mind. She seems to be searching for a way to open up to you (because she loves you). You are going to have to be calm and understanding no matter what the situation (if you want to keep her). You cannot be accusatory.
It is possible that she had sex with a guy at the party, but is too upset to actually tell you about it. If so, the sex may or may not have been her choice, given that she was "trashed", but at the same time not necessarily rape. (I have personally been in this predicament and found it somewhat emotionally traumatizing.) She may have merely come close or thought she came close to having sex with a guy (or heck, maybe only came close to kissing him). Still, she may have done nothing at all.
You need to provide her with enough comfort to feel that she can be completely honest with you, because she is who you will most likely find out the truth from. You need to know what she is thinking and feeling. If she tells you something you were hoping not to hear, you are going to have to swallow your own feelings. Give her the chance to tell you everything and save your reaction until you have had the chance to think on it in private.
Trust is just about the biggest issue one can deal with in a relationship - we need to feel secure that we can tell our partners the whole truth and that they will tell us the whole truth in return. This situation has the potential to build your and your girlfriend's trust, strengthening your relationship. But even if it doesn't turn out and you break up, if you were able to keep a level-head in sticky times, that's something she will never be able to forget (and something she is unlikely to find ever again).
Best of luck!
P.S. Just because I suggest not reacting immediately does not mean that you should keep your emotions bottled up. You must communicate what is in your heart and thoughts as well. She will never feel at ease with someone who can't talk to her. Only, keep in mind that it really matters how you present what you have to say.
And lastly, if you want to have sex too, go for it, but use a condom/keep it safe!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Discuss it with her again. From an outsiders perspective, yes I would be worried too. It is a very teenage thing to do to propose a hypothetical "what if" question to test the waters with your partner about something you have already done.
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