A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am getting frustrated with my GFI have been toying with the idea of moving to rent a flat for a while, my gf also wants to move in with me but have little commitment in what she has to pay, this is going to be my home only kind of thing.whats stressing me out is she is being pushy with it, she sees a place that i have circled for £350 a month, i call the estate agent and book a viewing, a day later after talking to gf, i phone again to book another viewing and possibly sign a lease, so far most of the estate agents have already let agree'd it to someone else.the frustrating part is that i keep telling her that i am not sure i can afford it on my own on a £12200 salary, with £1980 going on car finance, £3600 going on petrol, £890 on car insurance etc. i cannot get a decent estimate off the internet and estate agents, aren't very helpful in terms of monthly utilities either. i can also understand her frustraation about getting her hopes up then being let down, but she is blaming me for it saying iv not done enough and then starting arguments with me over it. it annoying me to high heaven.i also tell her i want to wait for the next pay-rise, then i'll feel more comfortable with living in a place off my own back. she dosent seem to listen, she seems far too focused on moving out into our own place, funded by me. when i tell her to back off she gets upset and starts comming out with catty comments like "perhaps you like living at home with ur mum" i have been patient with her so far, she is lazy and never makes much of an effort for me anymore, so why should i carry on making the effort? i dont wanna break up with her, but i want her to make similar commitments to me, its one sided at the moment, i do all the driving, in the last year that i have known her, i have done 100K miles in my car, she's only done 4k miles and drives to see her ex sometimes. piss take or what?i just wish she would be more motivated, and make more commitments before badgering me about moving out into this pretty little flat etc. :( - Grumpy scientist
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male
reader, jhawk2817  +, writes (27 April 2010):
your gf needs to be more understanding. If she says 'catty' remarks like that you should sit her down and tell her that its your money, your house and your problem. nothing is at stake for her so she is carefree
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Ok first things first - you dont have enough money to live alone if you only earn £12,200 per year! I used to earn £13,000 per year and live with my ex boyfriend where we contributed 50/50 to the house and I was so skint I could barely afford food! Dont do it!
My old rent was £325 per month for a 2 bed flat (£650 total as the rent was split equally between me and my ex boyfriend). I used to put in around £150 per month into a joint account which would cover the monthly utilities (but bear in mind with 2 people the monthly bills were £300). This included water, electricity, council tax, internet, phone and a little luxury in the form of Sky TV. We did not have gas by the way. I cant drive so I didnt have a car, and even without car payments I struggled living off £13000! Food shopping for one person is about £120 per month too.
Basically the chances of you being able to afford this is slim, you really need quite a big pay rise to mean you can comfortably live alone. I am now on £17k and still struggle with paying for everything, and still cant afford to learn to drive or buy a car!
You need to tell your girlfriend that financially you just are not in the right place to get your own flat and you are not going to struggle for money just for the saking of having a flat. Tell her you are looking forward to moving in with her but now is not the right time and you simply cannot afford it. Explain all the costs to her and show her that your outgoings are too high compared to the amount coming in, and it would be silly to get your own place because you would only end up in debt or living off beans for a few years!
Make a plan with her regarding when you are going to get a place so she feels like it is just on hold but will still happen, rather than you "not wanting to" move out at all. Talk to her about how you can afford a place "together" i.e. what her contributions will be. She cannot expect to live off you and not pay a penny, that is just ridiculous especially on your salary! Does she even have a job? You need to be firm with her and explain that you do not want a relationship where she is going to be using you for money, and you want some sort of equality in your relationship. She will have to contribute towards her own living costs, she will need to pay towards food, water, electricity etc. Try and agree a plan with her and figure out how much she can afford to put in, and how much you can afford too. If you have a good idea of a budget then you might actually make progress on moving out rather than getting frustrated with each other.
At the end of the day this is your money and she cannot force you to do anything, just tell her how you feel and dont let her pressure you anymore. If she is using you for your money you will soon find out as she will be off faster than you can blink!
Try and reason with her and set out a real plan figuring out when you will be able to afford it and how you are going to work together to make sure financially you will not struggle. If she is not happy with that and is continuing to make you feel bad for this then I'm afraid I dont think she is the right girl for you. She obviously is happy to use you for your money, and if she is not willing to compromise in order to get something she really wants well she is incredibly selfish and doesnt care about your feelings or what you want.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 April 2010):
 I think you need to move at YOUR pace. When you feel like you are financially able to move out, then do so, when YOU find a place YOU like (and can afford).
IF she wants to move in with you I strongly suggest you two make a budget and stick to it. Which means either she pays half (half the rent, half the food, half the utilities and so forth).
If she keeps being catty about it I would tell her that you don't want to start out by first moving out and then having to move back home, because you couldn't afford it after all. Nothing wrong in being a little cautious.
OH, and nothing is stopping HER from getting a place of her own is there?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): Is she going to live with you are stay over sometimes? If she is moving in, then your girl friend has pay her share too. Don't let her talk you into anything that you feel you can't manage money wise, stick to your guns and take things on when you are ready.
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