A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:alright,so my girlfriend told me recently that the reason she doesn't go down on me all too often is because she had a bad experience with it once. she said she was forced to do it by a big, aggressive guy she was kind of seeing after a break up.i felt sorry for her, i was angry at this dude - in my mind forced oral is a form of rape. as i probed further into the scenario, i found out that after this happened she still saw the guy, and she said she was "forced" to do it again twice more. she said she never spoke to him after those times, yet recently i found a few, brief "hey how are you" type emails exchanged between them a few months after the "incidences".i feel horrible that she went through this, but i'd be much more sympathetic if after the FIRST time she never saw him again, not all this other bullshit.should i take her seriously about these stories? does anyone think she is exaggerating? is it reasonable that someone would let a person force them to do something like this three times before getting a clue?interested in all opinions. thanks a bunch......
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (20 November 2008):
 Let her know that you would never force her to have oral with you in any way and reassure her that it must have been awful for her, especially him being so dominant about it. Give her plenty of oral too and in time when you talk about sex more, confirm to her that although you would love her to give you oral, you would never force her. If you let her know you are on her side and reassure her it doesn't always have to be an unpleasant experience then with time she might come around. That's really all you can do... it's got to be her choice and who knows, one day she might just surprise you!
~Eve~
A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (20 November 2008):
 I can really understand where your girlfriend is coming from. I went through the same thing with some guy when i was about 16 or 17. I felt emotionally forced to do it, it was terrible. I had a rough time when it came to oral with my current boyfriend for a while because I had such a bad experience with it. Make her feel comfortable and give her time and things will get better.
Whatever you do do NOT question her about whether she is telling the truth or not, you may have your doubts but this will really hurt her and she will have an even harder time trusting you if you can't trust her. She has opened up and told you this because she feels comfortable with you.
You have to allow her to gain her trust in you. Treat her well and in time things will get better. Don't dwell on what she did in the past, she is with you now despite anything that may have happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody - some real helpful responses here. Another clarification, SHE was the one who emailed him... but anyways, she is a real nice girl, and she was a month into the break up with her 3.5 year high school boyfriend when this happened, so she was probably emotionally distraught. I just hate the images this conjures up, i hate that this happened to her, and a little bit of me is discouraged i miss out on the oral because of it. (to be clear: that is a side effect, really, i know this was her life....)She hasn't gone down on me since we spoke about this, about a month and half ago, and i haven't asked her. I would love to talk about this with her reasonably, but i know she will just get upset. any advice on how to bring this up without her thinking i'm mad at her or think she's a slut???Also, I'm scared to ask her for oral now. should i be? should i just wait, even if that means it might not happen?Again, my main concern here is her, and how she was affected emotionally, and that's really what i want to talk to her about.thanks again....
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 November 2008):
I think she probably did like him at one time and got along well with him in other ways and felt compelled to give him oral BECAUSE he liked it even although she didn't. He was most probably quite dominant about it and that made her feel uncomfortable but she saw him a couple more times to see if things would be different.
A lot of girls are attracted to guys they get on really well with out of the bedroom but the love and tenderness is lacking IN the bedroom from the man, the girl then thinks once I get to know him better that will change or I can maybe change things... but it doesn't happen and it's time to call it a day with the relationship.
She sounds a really nice girl and I certainly wouldn't judge her from this experience. She's said hi to him when he's emailed out of courtesy, nothing more but I bet if you asked her she wouldn't go back with him if he were the last man on earth! Don't give her a hard time about this. There's no reason why, with a lot of love and tenderness she WILL enjoy giving you oral through time once that trust builds again.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Stacy Trail +, writes (20 November 2008):
 This is tough. I don't think she's exaggerating. I think she's hurt and ashamed. I suspect that when she says she was "forced," she doesn't mean physically forced or raped. Maybe he emotionally or verbally "forced" her, and she felt like she "had" to do it. It sounds like there's real pain there, and if the "force" was verbal or emotional versus physical, she's probably even more ashamed that she let it happen. I vote for talking with her about it. Not to confront her, and not to really "find out what happened" (partly because it's not a great idea to get the details of your partner's sex life before you, forced or not) but out of compassion for her, because whatever the details were of what happened, it's clear that the incident is still affecting her.
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A
female
reader, helpjayne +, writes (19 November 2008):
 let it lay in the past. if you love her then don't go digging up her past. no offence when i say this but it's her past, she's been honest with you and even if she hasn't so what it doesn't effect you unless you love getting oral that much then sit down with her and ask her if theres a way that she would feel comfy doing it. i really think you should leave this one alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to clarify, this happened to my girlfriend two years ago. i have been dating her for fourteen months, and after a year of once-in-a-while oral sex (for me) she finally told me why she doesn't like to do this much, and explained the whole forced into a few times scenario.
talktoomuch - i agree with you. i don't understand, if she really was forced, why she would see this guy twice more and let it happen twice more.
and yeah, her story seems dicey. but how do i bring it up again? she gets so upset and sad and thinks that i think she is a slut. i mean, i love her, and would never call her that, but she has done slutty things in the past.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (19 November 2008):
 Well she could be blackmailed into having oral sex. He could be using several methods of blackmail, emotional blackmail..etc. You should ask her some quistions like, is he thretening you?, is he blackmailing you?, why do you still go and see him?, etc. Find out more before you come up to any conclusions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): It's not reasonable to do what he did. But maybe she didn't leave because she was afraid if she did then he would do something worse. I wouldn't stress to much, you love each other, which is what counts.
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