A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex girlfriend and I have ended our 5 year relationship. We are lesbians and the breakup resulted from her lies and cheating. Anyways that was well over 6 months ago. I have not backpeddle. Shes consistently contacted me. I ignored her. I thiught perhaps 6 months with no contact we should be cordial or friends. I reached out and she was normal. Then went in to express her love. I warned her that is disrespectful and inappropriate. She stopped. Days later maybe a week she repeats telling me her true feelings. Saying if i never talk in to on her again oh well. She is 34 i am 30. I dont think she even is getting past me in the healthy manner. She's now starting to concern me. But i do know she will and can throw a available pity party. She hasnt made threats or stalked me every but i feel real troubled. I dont know why im starting to feel unsettled.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2015): Initiating contact with an ex in such a short time-frame is also offering them access to your emotions. You claim not to be back-peddling, but that is exactly what you did. How can you be friends with someone who forced you to break-up due to their lying and cheating? The unsettled feeling is emotional relapse. You're also toying with her emotions.
Deep down, you don't want her to find anyone else; and you want to keep her in limbo until you find someone who has the power to make you forget her. Sorry, that doesn't happen in real-life. It's wishful-thinking. It takes effort to get-over someone.
You invited the very person who caused you angst back into your life, to open wounds that haven't had nearly enough time to heal. She is spouting all this "I love you" crap; because the L-word tears at the emotions. People can say it and not mean it. If she does mean it; she wouldn't have jeopardized your relationship with cheating and lying.
Everyone craves to hear the L-word, and it always goes straight for the heartstrings. That's why "exes" use the word "love" so craftily. They say it more after you break-up, than when you were together. It's the gold-ring you'll reach for over and over, and it will always be just out of reach. Always dangling there in your face; but soon as you think you've got it, they yank your heart out.
You made a decision, stick with it. Keep her out of your life until you no longer feel "unsettled."
So she loves you, huh?
Well her credibility is shot, and you shouldn't have opened that window when you're not completely "settled" with your recovery over your breakup.
Be honest. You were missing her.
Being friends with people you had to break-up with has very little logic. I don't care how many people say otherwise; or have anecdotal tales of how they patched things up. It only means they didn't fully move on. If you maintain contact due to children or finances, or connections that are beyond emotional ties; that's one thing. Letting people go takes a lot of psychological shifting and reprogramming. So you have to give yourself time before you invite them back. You can't have bad emotions erupting every-time you hear from them. It only means you're not over them, and it's too soon. Besides, friends are supposed to make you feel good!
Return to no contact and stop accepting the bullsh*t "I love you's!" So conveniently after the fact, and after all the damage has been done. Being wishy-washy after a breakup will just keep your feelings in turmoil. Your recovery will reverse itself, and you're back to square one.
She may love you, but doesn't love you enough not to cheat and lie to you. No trust, no love. Love feeds on trust to keep it alive and healthy. Leave her the hell alone. You'll be stuck in the same place, same time next year. All the advice you're being given is just a waste of your time and ours. No one can tell you what to do, or how to feel. We can only try to help you to avoid relapses and suggest remedies that can help you to move forward. Moving backward is purely your choice.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 An ex is an ex for a reason. Yes in an ideal situation it would be lovely to be able to have a friendship with each other as you both have shared so much, however this is just not possible, when exes try to become friends old feelings appear and it is just not healthy.
I think the best thing that you can do both for yourself and your ex is to cut all contact. Tell her you are sorry you thought use could be friends but not you can see that it is not possible and move on with your life.
All the best for the future.
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