A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I are both deeply in love with one another. We have known each other now for 5 years, and are very serious with one another. She has told me that she would like to marry me, and spend her life with me. I would like the same. However, the problem is, that she missed out on part of her lifestyle during her teenage years. Through them, she was in a very long relationship lasting several years, and when it ended, she ended up going out with me, a couple of months later. Now she wants to experience those teenage years. She is asking me to allow her to have an night out, maybe even two or three, where she has no boundaries, i.e. if she wanted to, she could kiss, or even sleep with someone else. She has told me that she does love me, and it is nothing to do with her feelings for me, or anything to do with us, it is simply that she wants to have that experience of single life before she settles down. It isn't that she wants to sleep with someone else, she just wants the exprience of single life as I said. Without this, there will be a void which she cannot fill, and neither can I. I do want her to be happy, and I love her so much, and she loves me equally, but it would utterly destroy me if she slept with someone else, or even kissed someone else. I hope that this want of the experience will pass, but I doubt that it will.I don't want to break up with her, and I won't, and she doesn't want to break up with me either. What should I do? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 OK so my answer is a long way down on the list and you are probably now fed up with all the advice you have received.
You say you have been together for 5 years, by now you know whether you love someone or not but by the sounds of things she sounds like she has not matured enough yet.
You put your age down as between 18 and 21 and she has been with you for 5 of those years and many more with her previous boyfriend. OK so 2 guys whilst she is growing up. OK so that is not many I will grant you but you are totally committed to this girl and she is asking to put her toe in the water so to speak and to be given a free reign by you for her to kiss or sleep with another guy.
She knows in her own mind that you would NEVER want her to do this but she also knows because you have probably told her that you won't breakup with her either.
By getting your permission to do what she wants she is getting her cake and eating it. That is not fair on anyone male or female who were in a similar situation to you.
In all of this has there ever been the point that if she decides to go off with someone that she is playing with fire, HELLLOOOOOOO HIV, AIDS and numerous other lovely sexually transmitted diseases. Yes there are condoms and yes there is the pill but why would someone want to risk that if they are already in a loving and caring relationship that they want to remain in. She says she doesn't want to BE with anyone else but she just wants the FUN factor.
That must hurt you to hear that - OK not in so many words but it means that there is no fun or chase factor any more in your relationship.
Don't sit around and play the loyal doormat boyfriend, believe I have been there and after almost 20 years it doesn't get any easier when you are the one sitting at home wondering where they are or who they are with, it eats you up inside and the trust is gone and it NEVER comes back.
No one can tell you what to do but with so much advice saying don't sit around and take this, don't you think it is time to question why you came to this site in the first place, you knew what answers you were going to get but you just didn't really want to admit that this was the advice you didn't want to hear.
Sorry sweetheart but don't settle for second best, you are still very young and there is a girl out there who would put you first and wouldn't need any other fun factor.
I don't think your girl would tell you the truth as she knows it would hurt you so don't allow yourself to go through it in the first place OK.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, LonelyTwo  +, writes (8 May 2008):
A few kisses always leads to more. If this is the way she acts, you can surely expect more with her. You may find one day that a child born to you has no resemblance to anyone in your immediate family. Your setting yourself for a life of misery, and she is playing you for a fool, or least determining how much crap you will take from her. You'll be her floor mat. Good luck, you will need it with this one.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (8 May 2008):
 I'm sorry, this isn't just as simple as you seem to be making it, like she can go sow her wild oats for a few nights and everything is back to happy ever after. It just doesn't work like that. If you want monogomy and "happily ever after" then you need to break up with her if she can't abide by it. She doesn't get a "free pass" because she's feeling restless, she either is single, or she's not. It's really that simple unless you are in denial. I would break up with her and give her 6mths or a year if you are interested in preserving this relationship. At the end of that time, she will either decide not to take the relationship for granted because she sees what's really out there isn't as great or she will move on because it just wasn't meant to be- this will spare you a lot of heartache in the long-run if you can have the strength to do this. You should either date other people or utilize this time by soul-searching, be less subjective and get a clearer perspective on this girl. What she is really telling you is that she doesn't feel she can have a committed relationship with you and to think the answer is to go out and sleep with who she wants is the wrong one. It doesn't solve the problem, it makes it worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I say she only wants to be with me, I mean, she only wants to be in a relationship with me, she doesn't want a relationship with anybody else, she simply wants the experience of going out, kissing or sleeping with someone, and that's it. She doesn't want to BE with them. I just dunno what to do. If I should say to her she can go on her night out. If I say to her not to go, and stay with her, and wait until the feeling passes or something, or to break up with her, or her break up with me or whatever.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 I totally agree with what Danielpew has said..you are totally setting youself up for a broken heart. You are putting alot of trust in a girl that do not have your best interests at heart, love is blind and i do believe you love her so much and being without her would break your heart. But its nothing compared to what you will feel if she does go off with other people, you are setting yourself up for alot of heartache.
You say she is the only person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, sweetheart, thats a contradiction in itself, she doesnt, she wants to be with other people.
I believe you do love her and i am afraid you are going to have to learn the hard way and just go through it yourself.
Good luck and take care
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 Well, man, I'm sorry, deeply sorry, for you. I will not make another post here. I did what I could.
When you end up heartbroken and miserably used, you'll remember me, and say "I was such a dunce for not paying attention to that bastard". I won't laugh, but I will say "I told you so".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer to jen86, she says she would tell me what happened, if anything did, and I trust her that she would.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974 + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
Sorry sweety but, this will hurt you a great deal if you give her the go ahead, i really cant understand someone who says, i love you but i want to be free when i go out, to see if i can go off with other people, its as if by telling you she wants to do it, it makes it all ok. It sounds to me that she is still quite young. The only thing i was going to suggest was to breakup with her, let her play the field and see how you both feel afterwards if you get back together afterwards.
Otherwise:
The best thing in my experience:give her the freedom she asks for, but let her know that you should be given the same freedom it thats the case to be with other girls and see her reaction, maybe she will change her mind once she knows you will do the same thing. Its a difficult one. This is the only think i can say, as you said you will not break up with her.
The best of luck and take care
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A
female
reader, Jen86 +, writes (8 May 2008):
Let her have the one night out. Its unlikely that she will touch another bloke as she loves you very much. It sounds like all she wants is a girls night out. Guys want the same as well. It all depends on how much you trust her. Unless you stalk her all that night she goes out then you won't know what hapens anyway. Tell her that you won't be at all comfortable with the idea of her kissing and god fobid sleeping with another man. The only way she can have her single life is to be single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe wouldn't break up with me, and she does love me. We do want our lives together. She tells me that I am the only person she wants to spend her whole life with, and that'll never change. She just wants to experience it, and still be with me. Once she has experienced it, and filled that void, she would stay with me, and never ned to do that again.
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A
male
reader, LonelyTwo +, writes (8 May 2008):
Your a fool if you permit her these no-boundary rules. Dump her before she takes you on an emotional roller coaster ride. What your seeing now, is what you can expect from this girl until death do you part. She isn't good for you, she is a drama queen I suspect. Love is blind, and as soon as you open your eyes to this, the more of your sanity you will keep.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
I know how painful this situation can be for you, so I will give you the most honest and wholehearted advice I can give you.
Break up with her right away, and don't ever turn back.
I know I will look like a bastard without feelings, but I'm very concerned with feelings here: with YOUR feelings.
Let's see what she is saying, not in her words, but in mine.
She is saying that she didn't have the chance to sleep with other men because she was in a relationship with Guy 1, which lasted several years, and then, a few months that relationship ended, she became your girl. That means she voluntarily had lasting relationships with two men. I assume those relationships were fulfilling, since both lasted for very long: seven years, in one case (longer than many marriages nowadays) and five years, in yours (again, longer than many marriages). So neither the other guy nor you were abusive, domineering, whatever, and the proof is in the pudding: she voluntarily stayed with Guy 1, and then she voluntarily stayed with you.
When you have a relationship with someone, and you intend that relationship to be monogamous, you make the commitment that you will MISS OUT ON THE "FUN". But that's not a commitment that you make against your will; you don't date other people, sleep with them or, ideally, flirt with them, because you are in a meaningful relationship with someone who fulfills your needs. That is, the other party, in this case, Guy 1 or you, are not to blame if she missed out on the "fun". She's been doing what she wanted to do. That was her life choice.
Her reasoning reminds me of so many people in my region of the world, Latin America. I have come to know that we have the reputation of being cheaters. Well earned, I guess, as so many of us do feel that we have missed out on the "fun" of our young years. Man marries woman, but, since he wants to suck other breasts, penetrate another vagina and feel another piece of ass, he cheats on his wife. He loves her, you know, and is always back at home after his many escapades. He rarely divorces her. These "meaningless relationships" are called "natural inclinations". And they are; but we are supposed to keep reign of our inclinations if we know we damage someone. Otherwise, everyone would be free to rape.
I think that many a Latin American husband (or, let's be honest, husbands and wives from anywhere else) would be very pleased if her line of reasoning were accepted by everyone. That would give them freedom to try having sex with anyone else.
Now, after this long discussion, what does she want? She wants to f..k with someone else, but wants to keep you for backup. That is, if she doesn't find someone "better", you'll be waiting for her, maybe crying or heartbroken. In that period of time, indeterminate as it is, you will be missing out on the "fun", too, but you will also be feeling miserable. And then, if, like I said, she finds someone better, you'll be mercilessly dumped.
You say you'd be destroyed if she slept with someone else. Yeah, I know how it feels; as if a lightning hit you. That's because you love her. She, on the other hand, doesn't feel bad to tell you that she wants to sleep with someone else. I'm sure she is perfectly capable of at least suspecting how that will affect you. But she does it anyways. Is that because she loves you, too?
I suppose that if she didn't find anyone right, she'd be back to you and say she is so sorry and feels so bad about sleeping with other men. Yeah, right. And you'd be such a dunce if you believed her. If you did, you'd deserve that from her. But I'm sure you're not such a dunce, and I'm even more sure that no one deserves this.
You might think I'm too brutal. Such is life. I'm telling it like it is, because, the sooner you get to realize what she is doing to you, the better for you.
Do break up with her, whether she has sex with someone else or not. She doesn't love you anymore, and she's wasting your time.
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