A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts/UnclesIm going to try and keep this brief but to the point.Single mother of three, suffer with servere I.B.S for 18 yrs, but now its not too bad. Have had a recent hysterectomy, so cant have any more kids, and obviously now going through the menapause. two failed marriages, 1st we were together for 8 yrs, we just grew apart,the father of my children stayed friends, and his a great father. 2nd he was a bullie, and abusive towards me, he actually broke my nose, head butted me infront of the kids so i kicked him out and got a quick divorce, we were together 5 yrs. But been on my own now for nearly 3 yrs, anytime im asked on a date I say yes, then at the last minute find an excuse not to go, I dont want to be like this, and I dont want to be alone any more. I miss love and being loved. But who is going to want me with all this in my life? talk about bagage and some :( Im a nice person, a good mother, im loving and caring, some say vey funny, and attractive. how can I stop putting this off and get back on the saddle so to speak? Im so scared of being hurt and let down again. please help I feel like im going to be ending up a lonely old spinster, with a load of animals instead of the man of my dreams :(. plus I really dont feel sexy any more since my op, I have gained a few pounds, so the thought of anyone getting close enough to me and seeing my body terrifies me
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Open your mind up to new options… don’t always turn down younger men. I’m 52, I have 3 ex husbands (the second being very abusive) two grown children (one of whom is very disabled and will require a heavy financial commitment from me for life) I’ve had multiple surgeries and I’m no spring chicken and I look every inch my age I think. My fiancé is 38. Amazing huh? Not really. He’s a bit quirky but so am I and while he never found anyone willing to put up with his quirks, he is willing to put up with mine so I put up with his and together we are a little less broken than when we are apart… we help each other cope…
Think of dating now as small mini-vacations. You really just have to relax and go with the flow. Why not just go and have a lovely time… make a new friend. I have lots of friends that are men as my hobby is very male dominated (I love to play board games and it’s easily 80% men at the conventions.. in fact that’s how I met my fiancé)
Sexy is in your head… I’m finding that most men actually prefer a woman with a bit of padding on her belly and hips… I thought they would like me very skinny… but since I’ve picked up 15 pounds my fiancé grabs me and pats me and makes that yummy sound and says “belly” and likes my pillows now…. Relax and know that as my grandmother said “there is a cover for every pot”
Don’t make every date life or death… just make it FUN for 2 hours… that’s it. And if it’s fun for two hours…try it again…. Just FUN!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Good girl!!!
Just go for it and don't worry...it'll only give ya wrinkles :-)
xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. I think your both right, seeing it from someone elses point of view I realise im just being silly I guess. Its just so scarey to trust in love again. But your right I need to enjoy each day as it comes, and go on dates , after all I dont have to take things any further if I dont want to. I think I just needed to hear that.
Thanks again :) xxxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 February 2012):
I agree with the other aunt who answered...the IBS and hystorectomy arn't a big deal, you don't even need to mention those things unless you particularly meet someone who wants kids so I wouldn't worry.
The body thing, well we can all lose a bit of weight if we put our mind to it and it's also something that will give you a sense of personal achievement and a self esteem boost.
There is no doubt that dating when you are a bit older is a massive minefield and a total gamble. If you are scared (and I can understand why) maybe just start out by allowing yourself to go on a few fun casual dates. Don't read anything into them or take anything personally and just see how you go.
I agree with the swimming analogy, you can take your time, go as deep as you like and get out if you need a break. Try and keep things in perspective and also focus on the positives in your life (you have kids to love and you are obviously someone who learns from past mistakes).
Be selective with who you date, don't rush into sex (because there are a massive amount of guys who are just wanting a quick thrill), eventually, if you are smart, someone will emerge and you will find trust again...then your fears will lessen.
Take small steps...there is no rush and you are still a relatively young woman and you have lots of time to approach dating in a very relaxed way. Of course there are no guarantees, you can only hope that someone likes you for you and that is how it should be.
Incidentally, I am 47 and still single. I have dated quite a few men in the last 7 years since I became divorced. I enjoy dating and have met some good people (also some jerks) I was in one union for 2 and a half years. I actually enjoy being single (I even have a cat...and he's lovely), it really isn't a death sentence and I have learned more about myself and done much much more in my single periods than when I was 'attached'
I understand your fear of the future and the paradox is that we all long to be in a loving realtionship and fear being alone when old but as you do get older you crave more time alone!! (especially when you have brought up 3 lovely kids). Sometimes you just have to see where life takes you, live for the moment and try to enhance your life with happy experiences. Those happy times are not always guaranteed in a relationship (as you know)...it's all a gamble but if it's what you truly desire then all you can do is give it a go and see what happens.
Keep your chin up and take it easy!!!
AE xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): The IBS is quite common,not a big deal. The hysterectomy means you dont have to worry about unwanted pregnancies. Less men want children or more children later in life. So thats 2 things out of the way!
The men you meet will have baggage of some sort too remember
You have to take the first step, its like jumping in the sea to swim,freezing and a shock - but then as you swim about it gets warmer and you love it.
If you don't take the first step you WILL end up alone and lonely with loads of cats, so before you reach 60 and wonder where the years went,go out and date while your still getting asked!
Good luck xx
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