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age
18-21,
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writes: I have posted here before, but now I know that I have not gotten over it.I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and only recently found out he watched porn. Prior to finding out and when questioned he would tell me that the last time he ever did was when he was in 6th grade. And as naive as I was, I believed him. =/The night I found him watching porn was the night he had me move in with him from his parent's guest room to his. We decorated the room, etc., etc. To my knowledge, he has not viewed porn since then. As I am with him 24/7, I know this for a fact.What gets me is the fact that he lied for so long, basically leading me on and allowing me to think that I was the only girl he had his mind on. This is very depressing to me. I feel so unattractive. I constantly feel now that I have to prove to everyone how pretty I am, how skinny I can maintain myself, etc. I don't feel like I'm living life. I feel like an empty shell.I am constantly babysitting him. Worrying that he will view it the second I am away from him. As in, if I go to the restroom I literally panic imagining him on his computer quickly switching from World of Warcraft to get a quick glimpse of some slut.I can't relax. The psychiatrist I see at my university recommended and prescribed me with anti-depressants in order to soothe my nerves. I don't even know if they are affecting me? I still worry. I can't just relax. I am constantly on the edge. =/Playing the game helps, but now it just feels like the reason for play as often as we do and as long as we do is to escape one another. As in, would we even be together were it not for the hours on end that we basically ignore one another while playing?It also hurts me that he essentially refuses to open up to me. He knows every ugly truth about me and yet never shares his own. Has he done things in his past that disgust him? Things that make him think I will leave him in a heartbeat? I am beginning to think that he has. I feel like this relationship is so one-sided.I don't know what I'm even getting at. Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? Am I being weird?
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (10 January 2009):
 Hi,
I fully understand everything you are saying and i can see why your hurting so i never knew about why he can't open up but now i do i feel he has to address that because how are you ever going to find the real Him?
You both need to talk this over it might even be good for him to speak to a bereavement counsellor it can help he has to let go of certain feelings too in order for you to find the true love you are looking for in him i see now he is very deep and that is his make up but when your with someone whom you love and care for you should be able to open up my hubby was very deep and i can relate to you not getting what you feel you should be sharing with him i too have experienced this and it is soul destroying at times because you just want them to say how they feel instead of shrugging their shoulders etc; at times you just want to shake them and say to them to at least say something! i hope you can feel better real soon truly i do and anytime you want to talk please feel free to drop me a line it is always good to talk.
Gina
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much you two :D I appreciate both your views.
I know I am being over the top with constantly controlling everything now. =/ I know this because I used to be so different! =/ I didn't even give a second thought to him staying up on his computer after I'd gone to bed. I didn't bitch when he masturbated without me. I didn't give a crap. I honestly thought he um had eyes for only me, I guess. I am completely the opposite now.
I realize that watching porn is very common, but for him to swear up and down that he was not into and then to find out for myself without him even owning up makes me very sad. =/
What is even worse is when I walked in and caught him red handed, he gave me this hateful look and said it was "part of a video game." !??!?!!? He's a liar even when caught. WTF
And yes, I am becoming obsessed with what he may have done in the past. The major problem here is, he refuses to share anything. I have told him the most ugly things about me and what I have done and all he does is listen. As his partner, you would think he would loosen up and share, but nope. He has always been like this. It drives me crazy. Makes me worried about marrying him. =/ He has told me that he does not like to share because of his feelings after his grandpa died. So I suppose he will never open up about anything.
This relationship feels one-sided. I don't mean to bitch, but I can't help it. I would like to have a deep connection with the person I intend to marry, but it feels so shallow.
He has also told me that he has yet to experience a deep connection with anyone. That was a stab to my heart. This also apparently goes back to his grandfather's passing.
I don't know what to think or do. It feels so different now. =/
I'll see my doctor soon and ask, thank you. :)
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (9 January 2009):
You sound as if your becoming obssessed by his past behaviours sometimes it is a shock to us women that our men watch porn we think we are the only ones in their lives! Most men will watch porn at some point some will hide it from us because they know we disapprove and therefore do not want to hurt us it is always better to have it out in the open that way you both can discuss what about it bothers you he can listen to your views and you his!
I feel you are spending a lot of time over this talk to him instead tell him of your feelings and listen to what he has to say too in a relationship there should'nt be lies or secrets and i can understand why your angry over the lie but it has gone now move on from that and start all over as long as you both are constantly talking and communicating in a healthy manner then you should not feel as you do i think you need to talk this over with him as your clearly quite upset about this.
Maybe you should go back to your Doctor's when i was on anti-depressants they never agreed with me in fact i was worse! so please go back see your doctor and take care of yourself try some other remedies to soothe your nerves many good homeopathic remedies are excellent and not as addictive as the anti-depressants ask your doctor to see which ones would suit you meanwhile try and relax a bit more being at uni and worrying over all this really must be taking it't toll on your health so try and be more at ease with yourself.
Gina
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A
female
reader, BadAsh6705  +, writes (9 January 2009):
 I think you are definitly overreacting about this!
Pretty much ALL MEN look at porn sometimes. And women too! Imagine that. Well, think of it this way: Generally guys crave and think about sex more often than women. He knows this. He knows that you probably don't want to have sex 3 or more times a day (but if he's not having sex with you at all I might worry too!) It's kind of like when you're hungry, but you just want a little snack and not a whole meal. You know what I mean?
It may seem to you that he is doing something wrong, but in reality it is quite common for people to look at porn, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that he's weird for looking at it. In fact, putting pressure on him and making him feel bad about it is only going to make him hide it from you. I think it's a little extreme for you to be around each other all the time. It's not healthy to spend every moment together and try and control what the other is doing.
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