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age
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writes: I have posted here before, but now I know that I have not gotten over it.I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and only recently found out he watched porn. Prior to finding out and when questioned he would tell me that the last time he ever did was when he was in 6th grade. And as naive as I was, I believed him. =/The night I found him watching porn was the night he had me move in with him from his parent's guest room to his. We decorated the room, etc., etc. To my knowledge, he has not viewed porn since then. As I am with him 24/7, I know this for a fact.What gets me is the fact that he lied for so long, basically leading me on and allowing me to think that I was the only girl he had his mind on. This is very depressing to me. I feel so unattractive. I constantly feel now that I have to prove to everyone how pretty I am, how skinny I can maintain myself, etc. I don't feel like I'm living life. I feel like an empty shell.I am constantly babysitting him. Worrying that he will view it the second I am away from him. As in, if I go to the restroom I literally panic imagining him on his computer quickly switching from World of Warcraft to get a quick glimpse of some slut.I can't relax. The psychiatrist I see at my university recommended and prescribed me with anti-depressants in order to soothe my nerves. I don't even know if they are affecting me? I still worry. I can't just relax. I am constantly on the edge. =/Playing the game helps, but now it just feels like the reason for play as often as we do and as long as we do is to escape one another. As in, would we even be together were it not for the hours on end that we basically ignore one another while playing?It also hurts me that he essentially refuses to open up to me. He knows every ugly truth about me and yet never shares his own. Has he done things in his past that disgust him? Things that make him think I will leave him in a heartbeat? I am beginning to think that he has. I feel like this relationship is so one-sided.I don't know what I'm even getting at. Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? Am I being weird?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much you two :D I appreciate both your views.
I know I am being over the top with constantly controlling everything now. =/ I know this because I used to be so different! =/ I didn't even give a second thought to him staying up on his computer after I'd gone to bed. I didn't bitch when he masturbated without me. I didn't give a crap. I honestly thought he um had eyes for only me, I guess. I am completely the opposite now.
I realize that watching porn is very common, but for him to swear up and down that he was not into and then to find out for myself without him even owning up makes me very sad. =/
What is even worse is when I walked in and caught him red handed, he gave me this hateful look and said it was "part of a video game." !??!?!!? He's a liar even when caught. WTF
And yes, I am becoming obsessed with what he may have done in the past. The major problem here is, he refuses to share anything. I have told him the most ugly things about me and what I have done and all he does is listen. As his partner, you would think he would loosen up and share, but nope. He has always been like this. It drives me crazy. Makes me worried about marrying him. =/ He has told me that he does not like to share because of his feelings after his grandpa died. So I suppose he will never open up about anything.
This relationship feels one-sided. I don't mean to bitch, but I can't help it. I would like to have a deep connection with the person I intend to marry, but it feels so shallow.
He has also told me that he has yet to experience a deep connection with anyone. That was a stab to my heart. This also apparently goes back to his grandfather's passing.
I don't know what to think or do. It feels so different now. =/
I'll see my doctor soon and ask, thank you. :)
A
female
reader, BadAsh6705  +, writes (9 January 2009):
 I think you are definitly overreacting about this!
Pretty much ALL MEN look at porn sometimes. And women too! Imagine that. Well, think of it this way: Generally guys crave and think about sex more often than women. He knows this. He knows that you probably don't want to have sex 3 or more times a day (but if he's not having sex with you at all I might worry too!) It's kind of like when you're hungry, but you just want a little snack and not a whole meal. You know what I mean?
It may seem to you that he is doing something wrong, but in reality it is quite common for people to look at porn, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that he's weird for looking at it. In fact, putting pressure on him and making him feel bad about it is only going to make him hide it from you. I think it's a little extreme for you to be around each other all the time. It's not healthy to spend every moment together and try and control what the other is doing.
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