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anonymous
writes:My son, who is 16 spends most of his time playing on the computer with his friends, when he is not at school. At the moment this is way too much as he has finished his exams. To be honest, it has always been too much. He is very clever, a bit of a geek. He has learned programming by himself and also draws great artwork. We live in the countryside, away from all of his friends, but his closest one often stays over. They obviously really enjoy being together and can be heard laughing loudly while they listen to music and play their games. He hates me giving him lifts or making him things to eat as treats.He can be a bit thoughtless, like yesterday when he unplugged something on the tv and we could not watch a programme we had set to record.He will help with little jobs but hates heavy work such as garden clearing. He is intelligent and usually polite. Also rather vague and forgetful, which can be annoying. I would not say he is a practical type.The thing is my husband, who is stepfather to my son, find the things that my son does irritating in the extreme. He almost cries with frustration. He becomes really angry. At the moment he feels overwhelmed by his job, my health issues, his health issues, money, his daughters in Australia, my grief at the recent death of my Dad, work that needs to be done on the house. He has been working really hard and sometimes seems drowning. He won't use workmen or a gardener even though we know a cheap one. Instead he insists on doing everything himself and will not listen to my suggestions about that, I make him angry when I say he can't do it all himself.All this frustration gets aimed at my son, who he thinks should be helping more. I think he could too. However, when he gets my son helping he starts out by being highly critical and telling him off for doing a half assed job. He does not encourage or guide. I noticed a difference when my brother worked with my son. My son wanted to please my brother. He can't be bothered to try with my husband any more.I am not a disciplinarian, my husband thinks I should have been stricter. He is right, I am soft. However my son has not turned into the thieving drug addict he foresaw a few years ago.This is really getting me down. He has withdrawn affection from me because he thinks I am a bad mother. What can I do better please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): Please do update us when you get the chance; it sounds as though your husband has no children of his own and never learnt to encourage children before becoming a stepdad to your son. May I ask how long he's been in your life and how long he's been in your son's for?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think your answers are spot on. You have underlined ined what I already felt was the case and given me confidence. I will get my son to help ME with a few things. My husband does verge on bully sometimes and has a completely warped attitude to motivation, called shout and complain, which does not work. Thank you all, great suggestions and fantastic advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): Sounds like your husband needs to stop being a dickhead and grow up.
You said it yourself, your son may not be the practical type but when doing stuff with his uncle he does very well.
When doing stuff with your insanely old fashioned, utter fool of a man without any kind of adaptability he fails miserably because he's a sour old dick. A bitter, frustrated old asshole who thinks the world has to work his way and no other way and your son should be as highly strung and stressed as him.
I mean seriously, OP, it's like you don't get why your son would want to retreat to a cyber fantasy world of video games rather than have to deal with the authoritarian mad man that is his step father, I'd spend as little time as possible with that kind of family if I were him. I certainly would be opposed to do anything practical or meaningful with a dick who acts like Hitler when I do.
It's time you grew a pair of ovaries, OP, and stood up to your husband and told him to calm the hell down and start enjoying life a bit more.
Sounds like he's the type that had a father who was very quick to reach for the belt to discipline him and he somehow thinks it's the 1940's and that a "real" man doesn't need things done for him or something stupid like that.
OP, if at all possible while the weather is nice book a long weekend away just the two of you. Somewhere cheap and nice, somewhere maybe he can do some fishing or partake in one of his hobbies and don't take no for an answer.
You need to get him out of the house, get him somewhere he can take a break so you can both take stock of what is happening. If he's drowning, then as his wife you need to pull him out of the water, and he can insist all he wants that he can do it on his own, put your foot down and tell him it's no longer acceptable.
While you're away pay for that person to do the garden and also enlist the help of your brother to go get some of the stuff you need done around the house with your son. Kill two birds with one stone by giving your hubby time to relax and have fun, and also have some of the house stuff done by others.
OP this is on you to do. You see what's happening, he won't fix this and he'll probably be very adverse to fixing it either because it's probably a matter of pride for him.
I must stress though, OP, my tone is not the tone you should take with your husband, you need to feed his pride by praising him for all he's doing and making him see that doing less takes nothing away from all he's done and continues to do but he needs to accept your son for who he is, try a different tactic to get him to do stuff or just plain and simply back the fuck off.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 June 2014):
 The issue is clearly your husband's (and to a lesser degree, your's).
As others have said, your son sounds typical and not at all out-of-line.
You have hinted at the "other" issues that both you and hubby face.... .and I believe that your "problem" lies in those... Perhaps family counselling would be helpful... if it is available to you?
Good luck.....
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2014):
 Italiam mom , here, so shamelessly biased, anyway : you should stand up for your son ! , and tell your husband to back off ! and leave the kid be.
The kid is 16, he sounds like a perfctly typical teenager. Teenagers ARE irritating by definition, and they try their parents' patience, what's new. Your child , though, sounds far from being a young hooligan, he does not get drunk, takes drugs, gambles, get girls pregnant, shoplifts or get into brawls. He is sweet and generally polite, and he helps around the house , in a measure and capacity that are reasonable and adequate for a MINOR. He is a bit forgetful and absentminded and focused on his own world , and a bit of a geek : as thousands and thousands of other kids his age. And , guess what, when school is over ( and since he is stuck in the country ), he enjoys having his friend over, and laughing hard and joking with him, and dabbling with his computer : oh, the horror. How strange and unusual and intolerable !!
Sorry about the sarcasm, but this potential David Copperfield ( the Dickens' character, not the magician ! ) scenarios really get me going. When there 's a mom that probably is a bit too much into pleasing her partner and currying is favour and not making waves, to the point of being unduly critical toward her own flesh and blood.
It's your husband who is the adult !, it's not your son's fault if he ( your husband ) can't keep his shit together and has a low threshold of tolerance for frustration. It's your husband that by now should have noticed that life can be hard, and if it's not something it is the other , and a grown ass man does his best to cope without taking it out on the younger ones around him. If your husband is at snapping point and can't make it by himself, he can consult a doctor, a psychologist , a counselor- can take up yoga, or boxing, can go for long walks, or prey and meditate, vent with his friends and family,-he can do all he wants, but taking it out on your apparently very normal teen son. And you are the one who should take care this is so 1, why do you even accept critiques to your parenting style ? Since the only bad consequences so far of your soft parenting style, is that a TV got unplugged, and that the kid is not happy to perform heavy labour ( which in my country, for instance, he would not even be allowed to do. Just saying ) , and particularly under such a harsh, unkind and unappreciative supervisison, - if this is all, then it WORKED just fine, it was a very good parenting style.
Anyway, it's your style, and your kid, as long as the child is not aggressive ,rude, disrespectful toward the stepfather, tell the stepfather to SHUSH. Well no, no need to be confrontational, just be firm, and let him know that this is a " do not even go there " territory.
If he needs help with the garden, why does he not HIRE and pay somebody to do a good , professional job ? rather than picking on a basically good and well mannered kid ? .
I think that, if you are a softie, you are a softie toward your husband- what you describe is not actual bullying yet... but has the potential to become it. Give psychological support to your husband, encourage him, and most of all encourage him to seek professional help of he feels so overwhelmed and irritable, but- tell him to leave your child alone. Your child is normal, it's your husband who needs fixing !
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 To be honest I don't think your son sounds any different to most 16 year old. He is hardly a problem child. Most kids his age behave like that. Rebellious, struggling with the conflict of wanting independence while being told what to do by parents, shying away from responsibility and so on. Normal behaviour! He is 16, a child. Most boys his age act the same way. Its not like he is a responsible adult who has moved on from rebellion and taken on responsibilities.
However your husband sounds like the issue here. Clearly he isn't coping with the various issues: your health, his health, his job, grief of lost loved ones, etc. He is not coping and taking it out on your son. Your husband probably doesn't like the fact that your lad is playing a game while he is overwhelmed by work and stress.
He sounds like someone who has to be in charge, do everything himself and be the "head of the family"? His pride wont let him accept help from external sources and he is making his mind set worse by exhausting himself.
I would recommend talking to him when he is calm and recommending councelling. He cannot cope and has unrealistic expectations of both himself and his step son.
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): I'm very close to this situation because my dad is highly critical, but I don't do half-arsed attempts.I think you should sit down with your son and have a grown up, "I need your help more around the house", chat. Tell him that once a week you'd like him to help with heavy chores - as you put it. You would have to be there also though, until your husband can control his attitude.Then have a chat with your husband and tell him that you don't appreciate him talking down to you or implying/saying that you are a bad/weak mother! Also tell him that he needs a break during the week where he goes somewhere for, say, 2 hours - so that he isn't working all the time and building up frustration.You also need to get your family out together once a month to a restaurant, cinema, archery, bowling, etc. The more your son and your husband bond positively, the less common these problems should be.You and your husband may need counselling so that he can vent and you can be there to try to explain what you need from him and vice versa.
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