A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. I am 29, he is 26. We were friends before we started dating for two years. After three years of living together, my boyfriend got an offer to finish his PhD in another country. At first I encouraged him to take it, and I assumed I would be going to. I asked him if he thought our relationship would lead to marriage, because I didn't want to move to another country for someone who wasn't pretty sure. He took a long while to think about it, several weeks. After awhile I decided that it might be a question he is unable to answer or address at the moment, so I told him I would stay behind until he is sure of his commitment for me, but that we could stay together as a long distance relationship until he made it home. He estimated it would take one year to finish his PhD.At first he missed me a lot,and after about a month he asked me to come live with him. I've been trying to save the money to join him but it has been difficult. I didn't anticipate how much easier it would be to move as a couple than it is to move as two individuals. Needless to say, we have been long distance for seven months now. He thinks his program is going to take an additional year longer than previously thought.Now to the meat of our story:He has started making friends and now he has stayed out twice all night with drunk girls that he says are friends. I believe him and trust him that nothing is going on, but it bothers me. On top of this, he doesn't have a phone (he says he wants to save money, despite my pleading) so I get upset and anxious and worried when I haven't heard from him for two days. We make an effort to talk everyday, and in all our time apart we have only gone five days or so total that we didn't talk. My problem is that when he goes and has a good time, I resent it deeply. All I do is work to save money for the move, and when I'm not working I pine for him. He is now having a great time and enjoying the college lifestyle. I feel like I'm holding him back, and now I'm not even sure if I should move there. I know he will remain loyal to me, but part of me feels like I should set him free. Because for him to truly have a great time, I can't be in the picture. If he is out having a great time frequently, I get worried he is dead in a ditch somewhere until I hear from him, and I find out he was just having fun I resent him deeply for it. I basically kill his fun and mine. Our beautiful relationship that we worked so hard for is unraveling. I'm not sure if I should fight for it, or let it go. We love each other tremendously and I never thought in a million years this LDR would break us apart. I actually half expected he would move there, realize how important I am and propose. This is horrible. Any insights in this craziness?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (19 March 2012):
 "I asked him if he thought our relationship would lead to marriage, because I didn't want to move to another country for someone who wasn't pretty sure."
You have lived together for 3 years and you want to know that full commitment in order to uproot your entire life for him. He sat on it for weeks and you did not get your answer. Based on your stipulation above, you should not be moving for him, correct? He has not told you that he wants to marry you; he simply misses you and wants you to move in with him. That is not what you wanted, right? So why are you saving up money for someone who doesn't want to marry you? Why are you willing to sacrifice everything for a guy if he cannot even tell you that he wants to marry you?
I understand why you are feeling resentful for the fun he is having and the friends he is making. He chose to pursue his PhD in a different country (away from you) without giving you full commitment. And to top it off, he is partying and making friends while you're miserable. He's having a blast, while you're working, trying to save money and trying to make this relationship work. He is not doing anything. He doesn't even want to spend money on a frickin' cell phone in order to keep better in touch. He is not ready to make any sacrifices and he is clearly not ready for marriage.
You would be a complete fool to quit your job and move to a different country in order to live with him for 1-2 years. Once he finishes his PhD - then what? Will you move back or move around hen he gets job somewhere else? Will you find work when you relocate? Will you wait on him forever until he makes up his mind?
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 I dont think you need to do either - you are not having any real problems in your relationship so there is no need to end it, and again there is nothing to 'fight' for as that would imply you are struggling to hold onto something that is going wrong.
The only things that are going wrong are in your own life, in your head. Quite simply you are jealous that he is having a good time without you when your life isnt great at the moment.
So what is the solution? Sort your own life out! Yes you are saving to move to be with him, that is fair enough, but you are allowed a good time too. I know missing the man you love is tough, and you want to be with him, but your life should not revolve around him, you need your own life too. You should have your own friends, your own interests & hobbies....there is more to life than a man.
If you can start enjoying your own life while he is away then it will make dealing with the distance in the relationship far easier, because you a) wont be as jealous of him having fun b) it will distract you from missing him so much so you wont feel so down about it and c) you will actually have a better relationship because you have more to talk about, rather than just the standard boring talk about work.
His life does not revolve around you, and he can have fun without you. Just as your life does not revolve around him, and you can have fun without him. The most succesful relationships tend to be where both partners have their own seperate interests and have lots going on in their own lives, yet can come together and enjoy being a couple too. I think you are too dependent on him for everything and in order for this to work you need to change that.
He clearly is missing you because he told you after being there for a month he missed you and wants you to move out there. Yes its not a proposal, but you know that he is not ready for marriage as he couldnt even tell you if he wanted to get married at all in the future. If he cant even answer that question how did you expect him to turn full circle and propose?! He obviously loves you and wants to be with you, but I guess the question is how much longer do you want to wait for a proposal? Are you happy to wait a few more years? Or will that be too much?
He is younger than you, he is still in college....he doesnt sound like he is anywhere near ready for marriage. So how would you feel if you ended up waiting another 3 years before he even proposes? Because that sounds quite likely to me. There is no need for a man to get married as young as 26, he doesnt have the biological clock ticking and he is still enjoying life as a mid-twenties guy who wants to have fun.
Whereas you are now late 20's, with a biological clock ticking loudly I'm sure, you are past the college partying days and you just want to settle down.
So I think the biggest problem you have in your relationship is actually the stages of life you are both in. He is doing nothing wrong, he is simply acting his age and living the life any 26 year old would in college. So are you happy to put everything you want (mainly marriage) on hold until he is older and ready? Or is getting married soon more important than him and the relationship? It is a decision you need to make, no-one else can help you with that I'm afraid.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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