A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well I had my 2nd baby nearly 4 months ago now. My oldest is nearly two. the problem is i'm worried I havn't bonded properly with my newborn. I think part of it was to do with the fact that all through my pregnancy I was told i ws havng a girl - and allthough i didn't care a stuff what sex the baby was along as it was healthya nd happy, i bonded with the little girl i'd been told i was carrying. Then when he was born by c-section(he was breech) he turned out to be a boy, i didn't feel disappointed atall it was just a bit of a shock. there were problems after the birth as i bled alot, they thought i may die at one point but fortunatly they stopped it. I had to have a blood transfusion though. I breast fed him for the first months which was nice but i struggled to feel a connecion from it with him that i had first time around. And now he's 4 months old, as always i do care about him, of course i do. but i just dont feel the rush of love i felt and feel for my first. My 2nd looks very much like my partner and i struggle to see myself in him atall - not that this matters but it makes it hard to find a connection..he also suffers from colic/wind quite badly so cries alot, I know its terrible but sometimes i feel like he hates me as whatever i do he just cries, then i'll pass him to his dad and he'll be find. I feel so guilty and upset for feeling like this. Whats wrong with me? am i hateful cow who cant even love her own child? :( please help i really dont know what to do. I cry alot over this as i know its not right. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 My son is 20...and I am not sure I have properly bonded with him YET,lol!
Honey, give yourself a break. You gave birth 4 months ago, your hormones are still quite off kilter, that's just baby blues. A colicky baby (mine was too ) makes you feel both guilty ( because you are powerless to help him ) and evil, because the constant cryng makes you some times have crazy thoughts, like you want to put him up for adoption :)
Plus, the C-sectio, the boy vs. expected girl,...it's hard psychologically ! I still remember all that stuff after 20 years !!
Have a talk with your doctor, to make sure you are not at risk for post partum depression, and just calm down and wait... You'll love your second born like crazy , as it happened for the first .
P.s. If there's anybody who wants to adopt a healthy boy of 20 years of age , 6'2" height,180 pounds, contact me- occasionally the adoption idea still holds some attraction for me :)- ( Just kidding of corse !! )
A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (21 June 2010):
 I can't offer much advice on this other than telling you that this is normal and a lot of mothers go through this.
I do suggest though that you go and speak to your doctor about this as it is most likely postnatal depression.
Here is a link from the NHS website about postnatal depression:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 June 2010):
Of course you're not a hateful cow. A million miles from it. You look after him, you cry over what seems to be happening, you feel guilty. If you didn't love him you would feel none of that. I think there are a few things here that have just knocked you.
First of all, you were told it would be a girl and it turned out to be a boy. Nothing wrong with that, but of course you had bonded with a girl in your mind and body.
Secondly, the birth was really hard and you could have died. It was a really hard birth.
Next, at the moment you see your parter in your boy, but not you.
And to top it off, he cries a lot.
Give yourself a break! :). You're doing a great job. I think it's a mixture of exhaustion and worry that's getting you down. It was a hard birth that left you tired and shocked, and it's still difficult even now. Of course it's hard. I think your best bet is to talk to your health visitor or doctor about it. It might be that you're slipping into depression because of what you've been through, and if you attack it early enough you'll have no problems. You do love your son, and he does love you very much. I think you're both just tired after the birth and both just need a break and a bit of bonding time just with someone there who can help. You'll be perfectly all right.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 You are not alone! Many mothers go through this. There is nothing wrong with you.
It could be post-partum depression. http://www.seekwellness.com/conditions/mental/post-partum_depression.htm
It could be something that will pass by itself, or that you should talk to your doctor about. Here is another question that have been asked on this site about a similar issue, maybe you find comfort in reading it as well. Similar situations to yours are often described on here, but today I wasn't able to locate more than one of these questions :
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ladies-i-need-your-help--after-our.html
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (21 June 2010):
 i think you should talk to your doctor as it seems like a bit of postnatal depression. maybe they can help you deal with this a bit better. alot of women suffer with this, so if i was you i wouldnt be too concerned. your son doesnt hate you, maybe you should try and deal with the crying a little bit more rather than passing him to his dad? i hear when someone has your child all the time it can cause postnatal depression so maybe try and take a bit more control and you might feel more of a connection. other than that, i do think you need to talk to your doctor. as i said you're not alone and they will be able to help.
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A
female
reader, MamaLilly  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 Take a breath. Relax. Stop thinking about it and it will happen. I was the same way with my second child. I didn't think we bonded, I felt like a bad mom. I was worried about loving him as much as my first son. Once I stopped thinking about it and TRYING, it happened. :-)
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