A
male
 ,
*adbrit
writes:This is a problem that only women can help with.My gf has a zero sex drive, and it is either since our baby was born at xmas or since we argued a bit since then, not sure which triggered it.We have been getting on great, and i mean great for two months, but she has NO sex drive anymore and questions her whole feelings for me - saying she thinks they have gone, doesnt feel the same etc. But the strange thing is, she has had ample opportunity to leave but doesnt. SHe will not initiate anything loving, but will return it - hug me back, hold my hand back, kiss me back, caress me back, say i love you TOO etc etc but there is a huge line drawn. No interest in sex, if i try and touch her intimately or kiss more then a few closed mouth pecks, she will stop me. I not want to know how to fix it, i want to know if women here think that if she has a problem with desire and intimacy and bascially has gone right off sex, could that make her question her whole feelings to me and our relationship etc.We have gone through a lot in three years and been stronger each time, this time it is all ok except the feelings (hers) and desire (hers)It feels like she is scared of getting close to me, incase i let her down, or it goes wrong etc. I feel like she is holding back through fear and lack of faithI am being patient, trust me, and not just trying sex - i hold hands, hug, meals out, treat her well, tell her how much she means etc.I am JUST wondering if her feelings have gone forever or if she is holding things in, bottling things up to protect herself, and the sex desire thing makes you question everything else too.IE, if we worked on the sex - therapy, doctor, councilling, time, patience, whatever, if that could be improved and fixed per ce, could the rest of the feelings also start to get better (her find out they are there, just hidden and bottled up)
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female
reader, L +, writes (12 July 2006):
i think that in the lastnine months before the baby was born you and your wife have gone through a lot of change and now the baby is born she is suffering postnatel depression but i will give you a bit of advice she will get through this and she need a bit of time to readjust. she has a lot going on at the moment with the new baby and the emotional change she is going through you will get through this. Just be patient
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): I will put in my two cents here and recommend you read a book by Stephen R. Covey titled "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families".
Also another book to consider is his book titled "Re-Kindling Your Relationship With Your Partner" may be helpful as well.
The time you take to read these books can be a time when she can snuggle you at night while you read. She may need the time away from the intamacies to re-think and re-discover you.
By telling her you love her and admit that it is hard to not be intimate with her hurts you but you will respect that and by not initiating and researching will show her you are being honest.
Read. Learn.
My hope is with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): I too have recently had a child (well, just over a year ago) and I am also struggling with having a physical relationship with my husband. I was okay straight after our child was born, but have felt very uncomfortable with any form of physical contact for the past 7 months. For me, loving our child has overshaddowed my feelings for my husband and put into question whether or not I actually love him - maybe your partner is feeling the same. I never initiate any form of physical contact, but when my husband gives me a kiss or holds my hand I let him do it as I don't want to upset him and make an issue of it. However when it comes to bedtime, I have all my excuses ready to use and after a little bit of nagging he tends to give up and goes to sleep. Becoming a mum is the most wonderful thing in the world, but I have found that it has made me think long and hard about what I need from a partner and unfortunately my husband just doesn't make the grade, however I am really struggling to communicate this to him and sometimes I think that he thinks everything is fine!?! I have suggested going to a couples councillor, maybe this is something that you could try. I think you need to get your partner to open up to you and don't judge her. Make her feel comfortable about talking about her inner feelings and don't let her brush you off by saying that she is 'okay'! But be prepared that she may say some stuff that you don't want to hear. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (10 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankx for reply Granny - He is a good baby actually, hardly ever cries, sleeps well and bottle feeds, BUT the part you said about putting all her feelings into the baby to be a perfect mother rings loud bells. It is almost like all her love has transferred to him, like there is no love left for me. I think this is all connected and will see what i can do to help her. I do do a lot, I am not rich, but told her that she can decide what to do about work - either go back, dont go back, work part time, dont work at all etc. I said i will cover all the bills, give her a small allowance, whatever she wants. If she needs some independance, then go to work etc, she has all the options. I also do all the shopping and all the cooking after i finish work - so she is getting plenty of help at home.
But, i think she has some problem re: not having any love left for me
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A
female
reader, Granny +, writes (9 July 2006):
 First of all, well done for sticking by your wife and showing that you love her by seeking advice. Post-natal depression does not always manifest itself as being sad, but apathy especially if she is tired with breast-feeding. Seven months is a worriying amount of time to be without sex after birth. How much time does she inverst in the baby? Perhaps she has put all her feelings into the baby in her determination to be a perfect mother. Can you do more to share parenting and free up some of her time for you? Otherwise, it is time for an open talk. Explain to her in a calm and serious way how much you love her but have needs - and yes, recommend a talk together with your family doctor. My first child cried a lot and slept little so I felt like a robot for the first 6 months, so I can imagine how she feels. But a child needs a family, so I understand your concern. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (9 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think it is that no, for a while i did, but talking to her she has no other sympton - not generally miserable or depressed, not struggling to get on with life, not crying for no reason etc etc etc - just having no sex drive and being confused and worrying that her feelings for me have gone.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 July 2006):
 Some women take a while to get back into the mood after a baby because it is exhausting in those early months. Have you considered the possibility that she is suffering from post-natal depression? It is very common and often just creeps up on women in the early months of parenthood - perhaps you both ought to discuss it with your doctor, or health visitor if it is a concern.
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