A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my husband is watching porn and lying to me about it and every time i offer sex he makes up excuses like im tired or im sore. i have confronted him several times and i go through the history on the computer and his phone. there is porn sites. what should i do about this im worried that he is cheating or doesnt find me attractive. is this normal
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Baldessari +, writes (24 June 2009):
Looking at pornography more than once a year is not normal. Grown-ups don't look at pornography, adolescents of all ages do
Pornography is a way to distance oneself from one's partner (and probably any partner, not just you.)
Masturbating is not normal when you have a willing partner, EVER.
Pornography addiction is cheating, no different. And if it makes you feel badly, and he still does it, that's enouh of a reason to leave, because it will only get worse.
Oh, one more thing, when mean look at pornography, they are looking a someone's daughter who's taken a very, very wrong turn. Isn't that reason enough to stop without any of the others?
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 I am a little disturbed by the number of women who claim that their partners have 'porn addiction'.
Porn addiction? This label has been created by therapists and experts to try to explain why some men jack off while their partner is available, willing and lying in bed waiting.
'He doesnt want me, he sits at his computer and masturbates. He is addicted to porn'.
No ladies, that's not the case. Women approach this subject from the wrong direction. Instead of asking men WHY they masturbate, firstly accept that no matter what you look like and how he feels about you, he will do it. You bet your life that Brad Pitt, Tom Brady, David Beckham and Jay Z regularly masturbate, even with those women to hand. So be brave, take a deep breath and ask, what he is fantasing about while he masturbates. That's the real question.
It's all about a fantasy. You might not like oral. You might not swallow. You may hate anal. You may be quiet. You might not talk dirty. In a man's fantasy world, his fantasy partner is an expert at whatever turns him on the most. She loves oral. She swallows and licks her lips afterwards. She begs for anal. She's a real screamer. And she utters filth to drive him on. Sex in his fantasy world is awesome. Porn isn't what turns him on, it's the pure fantasy sex in his head. Porn just adds to this.
(These are just examples, not me talking! Mine involve high heels, Eva Mendes, and Trinity from The Matrix. Don't ask).
If a man wants to enter his fantasy world where he is the master and nothing can ever go wrong, that's no problem. If he would rather do that than have sex with a 'real' woman, then you need to ask what he is afraid of. He may be afraid that his real woman won't be satified, or might complain, or that he has to take time to be considerate. I don't have all the answers. But usually men who PREFER to masturbate have an issue with themselves. It is almost never an issue with his partner, even though she is the one who suffers the most.
So if women can find out what her man thinks about while he masturbates, she will realise that there is no need to feel bad about herself. All men do it. It doesnt ever mean we love you any less. I guess men and women just think about sex very differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (9 June 2009):
 None of this is normal. He shouldn't be lying and you shouldn't be going through his computer and phone. It sounds like he has a porn addiction.
Since you've already confronted him the next step should be marriage counseling for the both of you. If he won't go, go alone. It may help you to figure out the next step.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): no actually that is not so normal... I mean it's normal for a guy to look at porn when your not there.. because the real thing is always better, but there is deffinantly something wrong when he chooses porn over you.
I do believe a long sit down chat is in order. another question is, do you have a problem at him looking at porn? Some women do as it makes them feel inadiquite or unpretty.
tell him you know.. and your feelings on it.. right down to "hey this is making me feel bad" and are you wanting to leave the relationship.
He may just be looking for an out.. you know, sex with out performance pressure. We all enjoy the private masterbation every now and again :P
with out sitting down like mature adults and talking to him.. letting him know how you feel you will never know and be consistanly wondering.
good luck ... you can email me privatly if you want to chat further.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): On one hand he may be feeling guilty about looking at porn in case you do think it is cheating and thats why he hides it away. on the other hand he doesnt want to have sex with you which may be he wants to live out his fantasies. I need to ask if your sex life was interesting and varied before this. If not then he may of become quite bored and wants something new. I suggest surprising him by dressing up in something youve never tried before. Something daring and see if that works.
good luck
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, sunshineey  +, writes (9 June 2009):
I had a very similar experience a few years ago. it sucked and made me feel very unattractive. Just recently I asked my ex why he did that and he told me that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore so he looked at porn and lied a lot. This is my case, not yours, but I thought some insight might help. Sorry if it is the case :(
Good luck
...............................
|
