A
male
age
41-50,
*rustysmith
writes:Big time marriage problemsI'm sort of in a bind. I'm 27 now, and shes 26. I married a nice girl after dating for about 15 months. Before that she had no sexual experience at all. We have been married a year and nothing has improved.We have sex, but certain things I like are always left out and she refuses to do them. She won't perform oral sex at all, or give me handjobs. She has done blowjobs for about 30 seconds occasionally.. but nothing else.. Since I'm not getting these things they keep becoming more increasingly important. If I bring it up, she will say that shes doesnt like that and you shoulda known that before you married me.. Or the other thing she says is I constantly make her feel like shes not good enough. So do I hope after more time she will change? Shes never tried anythjing like a blowjob with anyone else, and like I said I only get the 30 second blowjobs occasionally, and when she does do them its obvious shes not into it, like shes counting the seconds in her head.I've done everything I can tihnk of.. From shaving down there, to making sure its clean.. No success. I'm willing to go down on her, but she wont let me.So I don't know how to bring up the importance of it to her. I tried to get us into counseling but she wont go. I feel like I'm being backed into a corner. We had a big dustup about it awhile ago and yeah pretty much ended up in the same spot. maybe more sex now but not anything like a blowjob or handjob.I dont think she will budge.. Maybe someone can suggest a strategy I havent tried. I sorta feel like my options are end the marriage, or go the rest of my life without a blowjob. I'm really trying to find a third way. I would personally be happy if she gave me a blowjob until completetion once every few weeks.. But she wont seem to compromise.. so im out of ideas..Please someone help. Cause I'm out of ideas.
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blow-job, hand-job, oral sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Couples should connect and help each other.
Do you give her oral? If yes, does she enjoy it? Why?
Why do you need to have oral performed? I'm looking for a mental reason to the need and whether it is just for the pleasure or for a mental need or bond between you, such as her showing how much she loves you and your body, the full package. I know some wives are repulsed by a naked man's body, thinking it ugly, but the woman's body beautiful (an atitude good for a man but not for a woman, and visa versa).
It could be because she is a selfish woman, only interested in her own needs, which eventually will show up in other areas of your life and your children, ie., she will put her own needs first.
Timid, prude, which means she has no experience and maybe afraid of it, whether caused by sterotypes, myths, which may have been created from religion, parents, etc.
Your not having much success right now, and your best off putting it on the shelf until you can go deeper into her beliefs, likes and dislikes and why she might have these.
If you keep pushing it, you will not have success but have a divorce instead. You need to understand her better, then you might have a chance in presenting something that will improve the situation. Don't try and get rich/laid schemes, because it will destroy the trust. You need to go at it with caring, compassion, and a full understanding why you need it. Maybe she sees it, and sees your being selfish yourself, that your doing it for reasons that make her feel like a whore or something. Stop thinking of yourself and find answers to responsible questions.
A
male
reader, krustysmith +, writes (27 April 2008):
krustysmith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say you've all given great advice. I'm going to see what kind of feedback I get for the next few days. Until Wednesday 4/30 or so. Then take that advice and talk to her about it and see if that changes anything.. .. I will post the results.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 I think the posters point is exactly that.... sex with her is not good enough. It would be good to have some more information about what she actually enjoys in bed, does she orgasm, does she initiate. It doesn't make him an Alpha male either. It just makes hima man who wants to expand the sex lives of him and his wife.
I'm sorry but sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Asking someone to be more enthusiastic about sex is actually a form of flattery or a compliment. If someone told me they wanted to have sex with me, I'd be flattered. If someone told me they'd really like to expand or invigorate our sex lives, I'd be interested. Perhaps because women are accustomed to being hit on by men, they don's see it as a compliment. The opposite would nto be good either. Sex is good, it's not like sticking a hot poker in your eye.
I maintain it's probably easier for the person with the lower sex drive to try and become more interested. The problem is that because it is not a priority for them they don't really care. What they need to understand is that by choosing that path, they are also choosing for their partner. Sex is a need and it's normal to have desire. To have no inclination to expand sexual horizons is what I consider selfish. You actually corner your partner and tell him he's stuck.
The main question is this..."what is the harm in trying to make our sex life more interesting?" If the answer is..."I'm not interested in what you need or want, I'm fulfilled and don't want to hear about it".... you have nor recourse. I do suggest counseling to figure out what compromises might work for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): i understand it's important to feel satisfied and happy in your relationship but you have to bare in mind that your wife has a mind of her own and if she doesn't like it there's no real way to sugar coat it or any real tatic you can use im afraid.. and by keep bringing it up you are probably making her feel like sex with her isn't good enough and that you need more..i'm not saying that's correct just as a women i can see where she's coming from..it's not your fault that that's what you desire but equally not her fault if that something she doesn't..the only thing you can do is explain to her how you feel on the matter.. if not you have to decide whether staying with a women who doesn't enjoy the same things as you is what you want. hope this helps x
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A
male
reader, krustysmith +, writes (27 April 2008):
krustysmith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought about her feelings. I'm willing to go slow on the stuff. I'm willing to be patient..
I've asked if theres anything else shed like me to do for her, cause I would..
Not sure if the sex manual is a good idea.. but I am open to her showing me anything shed like me to do for her..
I don't know if she was ever told nice girls don't do that or how she got it into her head.. but shes married now, so that sorta has to change.. even if slowly... its getting her to move towards that instead of just no no no
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 I just want to add, there are more things you can do for eachother apart from blow/hand jobs. How about romantic candlelit baths, massage oils,caressing and doing things what make you BOTH feel good? Your wife is very inexperience and you should take that into consideration. Buy a sex manual and let her show you what she wants to do in bed as well as you.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (27 April 2008):
You are taking a very Alpha male approach on this are you not? Give the poor girl a break, she was probably raised to think that nice girls dont do those sort of things.
Have you ever sat down for one second and thought of how she feels? No I thought you didn't....... its all very ME ME ME ME.
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