A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I was wondering how best to approach my boyfriend (of 3.5 years) and talk to him about something in our relationship I'm not happy with. We are usually very open and encourage communicating so I don't have any worries about him getting upset and not wanting to talk about any kind of issue since he as well as I alway stress the importance of talking through problems. I'm just not sure how to word my concerns. I also want to stress I am feeling upset. I get that some people might think my concerns are invalid or silly but I've not been feeling okay at all for weeks, so therefore they have significance to me. My self esteem has been doing poorly. I know part of it must stem from my insecurity since I am socially anxious and I choose not to socialize with many people except close friends. But I made two new friends this past week and I've been doing errands and immersing myself in my school work to really try and get better. However another part of it has been from feeling insecure from some things my boyfriend has been doing. He is very visual and he has been going on cam sites where you can chat in a room for free or pay while a girl puts on a sexual show (I don't know if he interacted with any of them but I messaged him this morning expressing that I don't know If he's been chatting on cam sites but it's not something I am comfortable with, he is still at work however). He also looks up exes and other girls in our city on facebook very often and goes through all their pictures. Lastly, the other day I saw his notebook open and he filled the page with porn star names (maybe so that he can look them up another time?). We give each other access to our accounts and devices because we don't feel there's anything to hide. He is very loyal to me and I can't imagine him cheating. However, I get so upset and uncomfortable with how seriously he looks up other girls. I wish I could just be everything he's been looking up or for him to do whatever he wants with me because he gets really immersed in his fantasy world and I either want to be a part of it or I want him to focus a bit more on real life. I enjoy porn and I watch it with him. Every time we have sex we have a video going on in the background. But now recently i'm starting to feel like maybe he is attaching another girl'/ face to mine or imagining another girl's body when we have sex. I feel like maybe I'm not satisfying some elements he wants but we do have sex often. It has gotten to a point where I'm feeling resentful. It's not cheating so there shouldn't be a problem but it's getting to the point where I'm becoming angry and unhappy with him as well as feeling an urge to pull away. Should I just tell him what I've said here? Or would another approach be better?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 You do need to sit down and talk to him about this. I am aware that you have social anxiety but this isn't really the same thing.
If I had porn on the background every time I had sex I would feel insecure as well. Checking up porn stars and checking out chat rooms is not okay. Not if it is making you feel like this. I would feel the same as you.
Do talk to him. It is possible that he has got an addiction to porn. Therefore for now I would cut out the porn when you are together focus on just you and him. Tell him you are insecure. He will hopefully remind you why he is with you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I think this is bordering on addiction. I don't think porn should be on every time you have sex because you should be able to both enjoy it without that too.
I'd sit down with him some time and express that the amount he looks up those things makes you uncomfortable and you'd like to have sex sometimes without porn. I know you may not think it important, but always having porn on when you have sex links the two deeply, rather than porn being an addition, it's a ritual.
Unfortunately, it's unlikely he'll change and you'll have to make up your mind as to whether you think you deserve better. However, it's worth a go to bring it up in person and try to discuss it.
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A
female
reader, LoveShoudntDestroy  +, writes (26 November 2016):
 I would just communicate how you feel to him in a calmly way. Tell him that you don't mind the porn (maybe first try not to Always watch porn with him or only on special occasions..it shouldn't be the only way he's intimate with you..it's not fair to you) Anyways, ask him nicely if he wouldn't mind not watching porn alone, or at least the web cams sites. I hate to tell you this but I'm pretty sure the only way a guy gets anything out of those sites is by paying the females to do stuff. I'm not sure exactly but I know they can't really do much without attaching a credit card, prepaid card or Paypal acct. This is actually a form of cheating. It's Internet cheating. Live interaction with a web cam model while they are watching eachother, whether he is paying for it or not is much different than porn. Especially if porn is something you consented for in the beginning. You are however allowed to change your mind in what your body, mind, and soul are comfortable with. If something is causing you unhappiness or distress then you should communicate that assertively to your man. I really do wish you luck and I hope he either starts appreciating what he has right in front of him or he gets kicked to the curb. There are a lot of nice, loving, loyal, one woman men out there waiting to love someone. If your man will not agree to the terms that make you comfortable and happy in the relationship, you have the right to end the relationship. You have the right to have your boundaries and you have the right to be happy. Good Luck.??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2016): I wouldn't consider it insecure to feel that way at all. Some guys, or people, are very open sexually and others aren't. You can't change a person, but if he respects you and wants to be with you, he needs to be committed to taking care of the emotional needs of a woman. Far too often relationships don't tend to anything else besides the sexual needs of the guys. Porn is one thing. Live cams are another. I would categorize it as an online affair personally and not tolerate it. Usually I do my best to not be the type of partner who trips out and complicates life as well. Understand that to be such a woman requires that you know what you will and will not put up with and sometimes it's a matter of simply telling him you're not okay with it, and if he cares he'll stop, if not walk away. I assure you that once he gets out on the market he'll find that most girls wouldn't be so easy going and would just straight trip out about such stuff. If you're the kind of girl to always bite your tongue tho, don't be surprised if guys start using "you're crazy" or "you're overreacting" to get their way with you all the time. It happens. Good luck darling
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