A
male
age
36-40,
*ostinnocence
writes:This is going to be a long one...I thought I'd lay out the background info first, so please bear with me!My girlfriend and I are both of the same age, and have been dating for 3.5 years. It was quite a storybook romance: boy meets girl through mutual friend, both realised they were in the same class in school before but somehow missed each other's existence, both fall in love. The journey so far hasn't been smooth, but I must say its a very fruitful one and we have both grown and matured alot since our first kiss. Despite our initial differences in character (she being more homely while I enjoy getting out, she's a saver while I'm a spender etc), we've managed to compromise and reach a comfortable level with each other. Plans of marriage and getting a house are underway.But as every relationship goes, over the years the spark in it has died leaving behind afterglows of passion. Time spent with each other has now become routine and mundane, we struggle to find common activities to engage in, awkward silences fill our phone conversations and we bicker over the smallest things. It doesn't help that our work keeps us extremely busy most of the week. Weekends are spent usually recuperating at home, though we are unsure if the exhaustion comes from work or we simply cannot be bothered to plan an interesting weekend together.She comes from a somewhat dysfunctional family, with parents who live together but do not get along. Because of the Asian culture we come from, they simply put up with one another as to divorce would invite unrelenting gossip and tongue-wagging. Her father did not and still does not really fulfil his duty as a parent, and I've hardly heard him say a kind word to the family. Her mother, since her husband will not speak to her and she hardly has any friends, treats my girlfriend as her outlet of frustration, heaping criticisms and nagging incessantly for most of her life. Growing up in this environment, it is no wonder that my girlfriend was grappling with depression when we first met. I've brought her to seek treatment and while her condition is under control now, her character is an extremely negative one. Being with her requires a great deal of patience and I must admit it is really draining for me sometimes, so much so that I think I am heading down the slippery slope of depression myself.Recently, she has confessed to me that she has fallen for a colleague at work. As much as I tried to remain nonchalant and easy about the whole thing, it does bothers me. She has made it clear to him her feelings, though she further stated that it was impossible between them. On my side, I've also recently developed feelings for a colleague, someone younger in which I see the qualities of a partner that is currently lacking in my girlfriend. I've chosen to remain silent about this to both, as I do not wish to upset my girlfriend nor cause complications at work. We've sat down and had a good talk over this problem of ours. My stand is this: as much as I love her or think I love her now, I'm not sure if we are the right one for each other given that this is both our first relationship. I do not wish for a future in which we blame each other for not being able to date others and finding out what we are really looking for in life before committing to marriage. Neither do I wish for both of us to end up bitter like her parents, nor do I want our children to grow up in such an environment. After she confessed that she has feelings for her colleagues and that she feels happier being with him than with me sometimes, I wonder why she has to suppress her attraction to someone probably better just to remain by my side. Is it because of loyalty? Propriety? Love? Or is she just too comfortable being with me that she refuses to consider other options? It is funny that she agrees with my analysis and she made it clear that she will fully understand if I choose to leave her side. Her wish for me is that I will also find someone whom I can be truly happy with. If letting go was only so simple. For the past couple of weeks, while she waits for my decision, I've been struggling with my dilemma of whether to take a break from each other or not. Part of me says that I should stay and devote myself to being a good boyfriend, but another part of me screams let go, let each of us find our true happiness. Each time I thought I'd reached a decision to end things, my heart feels as though it has been stabbed and I'm unable to control my tears. But then I'll tell myself, as much as I cherish the memories we experienced, the hardships we suffered together and the love we shared, it would be better for her if not my future that we stop dragging our feet. And the whole cycle continues again. So please help this weak man, I would really welcome any advice as to what I should do. Day after day, my soul feels torn in 2 when I see my colleague whom I've fallen for, and my girlfriend. I've contemplated doing something radical and foolish to stop the pain and confusion in me, and I just do not know what to do anymore.
View related questions:
a break, at work, divorce, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Lostinnocence +, writes (12 September 2009):
Lostinnocence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply.
Let me qualify that I have not always been a good boyfriend to her. As much as I want to point to the dissatisfaction buried in my heart as the cause of some of my behavior, it still boils down to the fact that I did let her down many times. If anyone believes in karma, I would say I probably got what I deserved.
Maybe one underlying reason why I'm so afraid to let go, is that I'm not confident of finding someone else whom I love and who will love me as much in return. I've never been good around women, especially those who I am attracted to. Even should I end my current relationship, I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings for my colleague. What should I do to win her heart? What if the whole thing fails and our working relationship is affected as a result?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): dear LOSTyour gf has already made he choice and he choice is NOT YOU. therefore she is willing for you to go and find someone else. you are not second best and should not be treated as one. seems like your gf has a lot of issues to deal with and maybe you are getting a lucky break not that she is in love with someone else. let this other man deal with her and her emotions. You move on, too better. you have been a good bf thus far in return your gf has fund someone lse, ironic isn't it. yes you are afraid to throw away 4 yeras, rather 4 years han 40. in the end she will stray again and you do not want an unfaithful wife, do you. you both were together for a season and maybe for a reason - you helped her during the embattled famiy crises. now it is time to move on- alone. investigate the opportunity to be with this other girl you have met. you and your current gf have outgrown each other, you have different outlook in life and need to be loved different. you seem whole- this wholness, the completeness is what seperates you from your gf. don't be afraid to end it and don't be afraid to move on. as with everything in life, new changes does bring some concerns , some fumbling in the dark but eventually you get used to it, adapt to it and make peace with it. you are still young and you should not settle to be SECOND BEST. yu deserve better and deserve more respect. you know what you have to do , so be bold and end it. THEN you can have the chance to find a true soul mate, someone who will make you happy ans someone who will cherish the ground you walk on. you are young and you have time to play with. think of yourself only, and yes, it is ok to be selfish and write the end to your own love story. your relationship has run its course. good luck and please post an update of what you will decide. take care
...............................
A
male
reader, Lostinnocence +, writes (11 September 2009):
Lostinnocence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the insightful answers..Maybe I should just clarify, both of us are definately not under 25. Which just serves to give a sense of urgency to the whole issue. I can afford to wait, but her biological clock is ticking. As much as I wish for her to find her happiness that I can't provide, I just find it impossible to let go of almost 4 years of memories and love. Plus I'm worried about her depression suffering a relapse should we choose to end things, despite her showing a brave front all these while.To put things simply, its like our feelings for each other have been exhausted, but I can't seem to stop caring about her. I don't know if this is love, but its driving me insane.And on the issue of me having feelings for my colleague, as much as the saying 'Don't eat where you shit' goes, I still can't help myself from falling in love with her. I find myself thinking more about my colleague than my girlfriend nowadays. How does one tell his colleague his feelings for her, and what are the odds of things working out?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Thank you for a detailed description- it make it much easier to give an opinion.
You have been leasing a car and the lease is now up and you have the option to buy or walk away and look for something else. Should you buy? You are aware its a generally unreliable model and you have started experiencing issues, the steering shakes, the transmission has been slipping a little, a 3 year old car shouldnt be this hard to start, right?
Maybe the car was perfect when it was new. Maybe it got you through college and was a dependable daily driver. Does that mean you should be 'loyal' and buy what looks like is shaping up as a lemon?
Thats where you two are. You are under 25 and have only been together a few years, so you should not be having these kinds of problems. You should not consider "buying" into them permanently.
Should you be loyal to your old car? That does the car no good at all. We all love our first cars, and remember fondly the great times we had, but its time to move on. Honor the old relationship but dont try to drive it until the wheels fall off.
Just like with your old trade-in, you may be done with it but there is someone out there who needs it desperately and will be willing to do the work to fix it up.
Good luck. BTW, you are her old car too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Debking79  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Dear Lostinnocence,
Let her go and move on.
I wish the best of luck :)
Cheers,
Deb
...............................
|
