A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a female colleague, who is in a relationship and has a young son. Things have not been good in her relationship for a long time. We started spending time together outside of work and became really close. We have so much in common and get on so well together. After a while, things started to become awkward because it was clear that we had feelings for each other. We admitted that we had feelings for each other but we both knew that it would be better for her son if she could work things out with his dad. We talked about things, and agreed that we would try to carry on being friends. Anyway, she went away for a few days with her boyfriend and since then everything has been totally different. She says nothing has changed, we were only ever friends etc. but she is not the same with me at all. I realise that they have obviously sorted things out between them, and I am genuinely pleased for her. We could never really carry on the way we were, and I suppose I was in a way, just filling a gap in her life. I accept all of this, as hard as it is. My question is, do you think I am right to expect some kind of explanation from her? Throughout everything we've been very honest with each other, but I don't think she is being honest now, because she's acting as though the last few months never happened, when she was every bit as guilty as me for flirting etc. Also, where do you think our friendship can go from here? I'd like us to be friends if possible and obviously we work together so I don't want things to be awkward, but I feel if she won't be honest with me, then things being left unsaid just makes things worse. As pleased as I am for her, and while I realise I must move on, I really do believe that we had something special, and I guess I'd still like to be a part of her life in case things don't work out with her boyfriend, but obviously I don't want to apear desparate! Please help!
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male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (29 October 2009):
As a guy who's been there, don't hold your breath for an explanation... odds are slim that she's going to tell you the story because she doesn't want to relive the expeience and possibly rethink her decision.
At 38 I dated a girl who I'd know since we where 16, and knew that she was raised by a single mother (quite a RARE thing then- unheard of, at least in our zip code.) She got divorced, I got divorced (totally unrealted) and we started spedning time together. Things seemed to be going well until she tells me that she's getting back with her ex- she never wanted to raise a child the same way she was raised.
Like it or not, I was a memory in 24 hours. They're still married, but live 2 hours from each other- go fogire. Their daughter is about to enter college, she was 3 when I put her swing set together...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 October 2009):
I know how you're feeling. I've been the shoulder too. I also wanted an explanation at the time. I never got one, and in the end I just accepted it was over. That's what you have to do here. It is for the best, and you will feel better when you've had the time to get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for answering so quickly and so thoughtfully. I understand what youre saying and I know you are right, but I find it really hard to move on when I feel that there is stuff left being unsaid. She was every bit as guilty as me with the flirting and suggestive comments, she bought me presents, she suggested nights out etc. and now she is totally different but is acting as though nothings changed. I just think that is unfair, and I feel that if our friendship meant anything to her, I deserve some kind of explanation. If she said, "thanks for your support, things are looking up for me and I'd appreciate some space", I would accept it and respect her wishes. But this way, I can't help feeling that she is hiding stuff from me, I guess part of me is hoping that she is keeping her distance from me because she does have feelings for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for answering so quickly and so thoughtfully. I understand what youre saying and I know you are right, but I find it really hard to move on when I feel that there is stuff left being unsaid. She was every bit as guilty as me with the flirting and suggestive comments, she bought me presents, she suggested nights out etc. and now she is totally different but is acting as though nothings changed. I just think that is unfair, and I feel that if our friendship meant anything to her, I deserve some kind of explanation. If she said, "thanks for your support, things are looking up for me and I'd appreciate some space", I would accept it and respect her wishes. But this way, I can't help feeling that she is hiding stuff from me, I guess part of me is hoping that she is keeping her distance from me because she does have feelings for me.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 October 2009):
You've been a very good friend to her, but that really is it. I feel for you. It can really hurt when you see someone you care about, you try your best to help and be there in the hope they will see you care, but then they turn away. You were her emotional rock, and the guy she turned to when she needed someone to just be there. You can't imagine how much she will have appreciated that. She has seen that her relationship with her boyfriend was the way forward for her and her son, as much as you saw it. It will be very difficult to be just friends from now on, no matter how much you want to be there. The friendship can't really go anywhere else, and please don't expect an explanation. She simply came to the conclusion that her boyfriend was the way forward, and now is trying to make sure you understand that by just keeping you at arm's length. Occasionally talk to her, but don't expect too much. You now need to allow yourself time to get over her because if it does work out, you will be waiting around for ever and that would be a shame considering there will be another woman out there who really can commit to you. And even if it didn't work out, she probably wouldn't look to you as a boyfriend, merely a shoulder to cry on and maybe not even that. Focus on yourself, give yourself time and you'll start to move on. A woman is out there for you, but it's not her. Good luck.
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