A
male
age
36-40,
*acobb
writes:Hello guys,i need advice with an online relationship and i would appreciate your opinions. I have been involved in an internet relationship with a girl for about a year, we met in a chat room and began talking as regular people but quickly realised that we liked each others company a great deal. I am in my late 20's and she about to enter her 20's so there are a few years between us.The word 'love' is used by us, it was used by her first but we both consider ourselves to be in love (as much as our situation can allow), we both find each other attractive and make no secret of the fact there is lust as well as the depth. I plan to go and see her at the end of this year, i am based in the uk and she in europe though as her country is in the EU there will not be visa problems in the future. We use messengers, webcams, mobiles to text each other and have sent letters and possessions pretty much everything two people can do short of actually being in the same room, she even sleeps with one possesstion i sent her.The main problem is that sometimes i struggle to get her time, she might be away for 3 days without letting me know, sometimes a week, her life is somewhat in transition as she has recently moved to university. More than anything it is the fact that she doesn't say where she is going, i figure that i would find it difficult to let someone i loved not hear from me for even a day, when she comes back she always tells me she loves me and is appologetic of the fact she is gone, feels a touch guilty.I was against online relationships, i stuck to reality as a rule, i had had one other before this one though that fell to bits, the girl started becomming aloof and ended up going back to her boyfriend and stringing me along in the course of that, i suppose part of me fears something similar happening again. She had come from an abusive controlling relationship, which she managed to escape and i think in me she sees someone caring, i too have had my own issues in life (who hasn't).My problem lies in what do i do, the idea of expending time money and effort on visitng a person that recently has struggled to find 3 hours in a week for me is not realistic. And i need to consider my own life, my own career is developing and i am also moving to a new city soon. It is clear to me that i would need to spend some time living in her country whilst she studies, she has said that after that she could move here, these are big sacrafices, but ones i am willing to make.I do not question her feelings for me, perhaps i need to be more patient and stop comparing the previous one to this one. We talk like we have known each other all our lives, finish each others sentences, it is odd, and this is why not letting me know what is going on hurts a bit. As i write this she has been away for a while, this is the reason why i do. I would very much appreciate your opinions and i thank you in advance for the time it takes to do so.
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male
reader, Jacobb +, writes (23 September 2010):
Jacobb is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Valery thatnkyou for your response, yes we agreed some months ago that meeting was the best option, she is often saying that she cant wait till we meet, the reality of our relationship is what we talk about the most. I plan to visit this winter, but its difficult to commit to such a thing when i dont see much of her time recently, like i said she is currently moving to university so i do need to be patient, but at the time of writing i have not spoken to her for 9 days, that hurts a little.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Hello, Jacob
To my mind you should just first visit her and see who she is in a real life. If it doesn't work for u both take it as a good time spent in another country, making a new friend.
But I also think, that the problem is in her age. You are being more serious about everything, while she is living her newly grown-up life. She also, may take it as a fun chat when she has free time, and spends her reality with her real friends. I mean she may have different life from what she told you. SO, u should tell her, u re serious about it and wanna come see her soon, if she rejects it- she isn't serious and was messing with your head all the time.While it stays online relationship its always not on the first place for u. So you can come into her life by making a first step..just to go and see her.
sa far as i concerned I talked to many guys online and very rare i had real connection with them, once i really felt like in love but i never had chance to meet him. so maybe you are more lucky then I am, because u have chance to let something good happen?
And more over, after i moved to another country from my boyfriend, after a really breathtaking romance, after a year+ being away from each other, using just internet to speak to each other, i felt how he got bored from it. so sooner or later it has its end. My advice is to come and see her. u will make the conclusion at once.
Good luck. Valery
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Hello Jacobb,Me thinks i myself do understand what you've been thinking. Let me tell you my own story.I wouldn't say i'm in an online relationship coz for me it's still not clear and myself doesn't care about its verification any longer. I've known this guy for over 3 years online. Am 22, he's around 28. We'd be in touch but not very often till 1 year and a half ago, he came online very often to speak to me, even asked my house address to send me a postcard from a trip which was a white lie and that was a valentine card he did send. During 19 months we'd started talking more, sharing more and feeling more. He hadn't confessed directly that he'd fallen for me but based on what he did, yes i knew he had. Then in autumn last year he said he would come visit me which brought me a really excitement about seeing him in real. But it was ended up by the problem that he got a job offer so he couldn't have gone to see me. By the way, i live in Asia and he lives in England. We're a world apart. And there're many differences between us form the cultures and things.Then i nearly gave up on him. Met a guy who was nice for a few months then he proposed to me. Then i told him that i might get engaged. 2 weeks later when i got back home from a trip, he said "hi" on msn and told me he was flying to visit me. Honestly i was nearly ended up.But 2 weeks seeing each other was more than i expected. And that feeling came back. Afterwards he said i could move there or he could move over here. I have no ideas what's going on or will be going on. But one thing i'm sure that i regret nothing.Honestly telling you, i myself already lost my faith in love since the first love fell which was an online relationship. I have no longer believe in it. Both of us wasn't sure that we were right for each other. We haven't said we love each other. "Love" is a big word for both 2 sewed heart. But we're both certain that our feeling for each other is just so right and would go for it and see what will happen.If that girl cares about you, she should share with you more. But don't get too nervous coz you both live far away, and you both need space to live for your own. That's what she's doing. I have no right to judge people but don't say love very often since you have not met each other in person, haven't been together how could you know that's love. And so she's still quite young for that thing plus she's on the way head to university. There'll be more space she needs for her study. My dreaming fellow ever said he just took all the risk to come to see me to see what'd happen between us. It could be wrong, it could be right. We perhaps just could not stand each other and be just friends. But it was a chance he went for it. So it all depends on you yourself who would take the risk or not. Life is such an adventure. Once you go, you explore, discover and achive or at least you experience. Let yourself consider if it's worth for a go or not.Good luck to you!
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