A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi AllI have a bit of a silly question.....Recently I decided to take the plunge into the scary world of online dating. I didn't know what I would find or if it would work for me (at present, it hasnt - mainly old men, people who are uneducated and those looking for a 'good time').BUT I have a question for the men out there.There is one guy who I like the look of, in all but one small point. On his profile he says he does not want children. Do men tick this box because they really dont want kids, or is it that they are scared and dont want to make a commitment either way?I am a family person, and kids are a big part of my ideal family set up, so this would be a big issue.What im trying to say is that do men NOT want kids at 30, but when they have grown up and are in a stable relationship, change their minds?
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Hey, I was going to reply to your message about the unnecessary stigma you have towards online dating, but then I read this from you:"I feel I have run out of options, and the need to lower my expectations and then perhaps I will be attractive to someone. "What are your expectations? Are they unrealistic? It sounds like you want to settle for someone less than your ideal. Internet dating has many positives - as long as you're on a dating website geared towards long term relationships and marriages then you will get matched with people who have the same common interests and goals in your lives. This is much more likely to end up in a relationship that lasts; unlike traditional dating where it's initial looks that start a relationship.To me, it sounds like you have "run out of time" and are needing to settle, but in reality, you are at the perfect time to start a relationship. You've got the experience behind you and you know what you want out of life. I think you should feel more optimistic about your future, and the lucky guy who will find you and be part of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies.
Ciar - I think you have got the wrong impression. I have not been activly looking for men for over 3 years. If someone had come along, I would have dated, but they didnt. It is only in the last couple of months that I have panicked that I could go on just being single for ever. and I don't want that. By just taking each day as it comes, and waiting for the right guy to come along, slowly I am just getting older, and my life is ticking away. That route for me anyway, doesn't work. I do not have the natural attraction that brings men to me - I have no idea if you understand that or if it comes easily for you.
Male anon - I know internet dating sucks, I have always felt that it was a last resort, someting to be ashamed of and right now, that is where I am. I feel I have run out of options, and the need to lower my expectations and then perhaps I will be attractive to someone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): I'm on POF and my profile says I don't want kids. I have never ever felt paternal and I just know, deep down, parenting isn't for me and it's only fair to let women know that from the outset.
For what it's worth, internet dating sucks! But what choice do we have if we don't meet possibilities in our 'real' life?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): 30yo men do not need to "grow up" just because they want different things in life than most women. Watch that anti-male bias.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 September 2011):
 This really isn't a question for just men since both men and women state their preferences on dating sites for the same reasons.
OP, I agree with the male anon who said that if a man says he does not want kids, take his word for it. He may change his mind later on, but don't bank on it.
Part of your difficulty in finding a suitable partner may be that you seem rather hungry for it and men are keeping their distance. When you want something badly enough, it's difficult to hide and people tend to notice it.
If you took a break from looking the right man, or at least a few decent ones from whom to choose, would come into your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 September 2011):
Just remember this - you're still young and you still have time to make the right choice in a man. The most important thing is that you don't rush into an unsuitable relationship, because that will only wind up with you getting hurt.
The right man is definitely out there for you. You're just going to have to take time to meet him. Just please don't go for a man who clearly doesn't offer you what you want or need. That will only leave you even more hurt and lost.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with finding love, but trust me you are not alone in finding it difficult. Which is why internet dating was created! So many like you find it difficult to meet people, so they try to make it easier by internet dating. It's not pathetic or makes you a "loser" to be dating online. People of all ages meet online and date, from 14-80. No shame in that.
But I also know that you shouldn't ever compromise your wants and desires for a man. Do not sacrifice your desires! If you want to have children, then announce it loud and clear and let the men who also want children be aware that you are there. And tell the men who show and interest in you, but have stated that they do not want kids, that even if they are nice you can not see a future with them when you do not want the same things.
I was engaged once to a man a bit older than me, who after the engagement told me he didn't want children. Having children has always been important to me, but naive and silly as I was then, I thought I should sacrifice that desire, so I could marry and be with my man, who I loved.
Never again! I ended the relationship with that man, and looking back I think I was a fool to compromise my wants for a man. Do not do the same. Don't get involved with a man if that means you must give up on your hopes and dreams of becoming a parent. No man is worth that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011):
I am a man who doesn't want kids. I mark the box so that women like you understand that. Will I decide to later have kids with some woman? Maybe. I never say never. The point here is that when men say they don't want kids that's how they feel at the moment and there's no guarantee that will ever change.
As far as this guy that you noticed, I think you are jumping the gun worried about whether you two will have kids or not. I would contact him and see how you hit it off. If you do, you can ask him about it yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried classes and speed dating, and being set up by friends......sadly, I have yet to find one that likes me and is willing to even go out on a single date.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 September 2011):
I know you wouldn't. But I'm also sure that if you want a family, this man is not for you. As you'll be aware, the body clock for a woman is totally different that the body clock of a man. He can afford to wait and change his mind much later in life.
You can't afford to take that chance of meeting with a man who has said he doesn't want kids if you know for sure you want them. You'd be denying yourself a huge chance.
Perhaps if you're disillusioned with dating, you need to try new ways? A class, speed dating, something where you can meet a man in the flesh and be surer of what he wants?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmm I feel as if I am getting a bit of a lecture.
I have no intention of wanting to change any man. It was just a simple question about intentions - not being a man, I don't know how they think.
I have not yet contacted this man, altho he has shown interest in me.
To be honest, I feel a failure even having to venture into online dating, I feel like I am scraping the barrel slightly. But beggars cannot be choosers, and there have been no other options for over 3 years.
Caring guy, if it was just as easy as 'finding a man' I wouldnt even be looking online :(
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 You "owe" it to any man who says he doesn't want to spawn children that he MEANS it..... AND, if you DO (want kids) those guys are not the ones for you.....
P.S. Guys DON'T change.... That's the great ironies of ALL relationships..... i.e:
1. Women take up relationships with men and expect that they can change them; and they CAN'T...
2. Men take up relationships with woman hoping that they WON'T change; and they DO.....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (17 September 2011):
Chat to him over the website, he might not even like you in return, but if he does, pick him up on it and see if he has strong views on it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 September 2011):
I think it means they don't want children, not now, not ever. Think about it, if a man wanted children in the future he'd not tick that box. I am sure you don't want to have children as soon as possible with the very first man you meet online either, but you want children later when the time is right... yet you didn't click the "don't want children" box, did you?
It means they don't want kids, at all, ever. And while they might change their minds, it's unlikely that they will, so why waste time?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): The men who want what you want will put "undecided" or leave it blank. The ones who put they don't want kids most likely really don't want kids! Meeting the right man has much to do with timing and you'd be smart to just date men who share your mindset instead of wasting precious time on changing men who don't!!
Men don't have much to lose putting they don't want kids because that still won't deter the majority of women who think they don't mean it...from dating these men. BUT...you have alot to lose dating these men! I wouldn't date any man who is limiting your options upfront.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 September 2011):
If a man says he doesn't want kids, don't waste time. Whether he wants them or not, he's making a clear statement. Perhaps he doesn't want kids. Perhaps he doesn't want kids with someone he meets on a site. Perhaps he does have commitment issues. Whatever the reason, you need to take his words at face value if you want a family. You can't afford to hope that a man might change later in life.
I think this man is one you need to let go. Don't get stuck if you want a family. Find a man who does want a family that makes you feel the same way. It might take a little longer, but it'll be worth it.
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