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Online dating isn't working for me

Tagged as: Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2018)
A male United States age 26-29, *on1991 writes:

I have a question regarding online dating.

Why is it that I am getting stood up so much? I have been on a few dating apps for 6 months and have only successfully been on one date. I find a common pattern when I get a conversation started. I get her number, set up a date and then within 24 hours of us meeting, date is cancelled and I never hear from her again. Why am I getting strung along. I don't believe I am saying anything nasty, nor am I acting desperate. Herr I am thinking everything is algood and then I get random excuses. Wjat am I doing wrong?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntMore than likely you are not doing anything wrong. A lot of people use dating sites as a place to talk to people and get to know them, maybe out of boredom. I know that a lot of girls back out nearer the time because they have issues within themselves and they get anxiety about meeting up with a new person and being nervous. That's the thing with online dating it is unpredictable and it seems that women tend to back out more than guys simply because they get cold feet! Try and not take it personally! If you are getting frustrated with online dating then put the computer down and go out and meet people. Go out with friends, go to speed dating, try new hobbies. Be friendly and chatty to people and you never know when you will meet someone.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 July 2018):

By and large, a vast majority of people online are flaky and unpredictable. That's why they had to go online to find a date. For many, free-lancing didn't workout; or they have limited-options in the real-world. They're single, and there's a reason.

The upside is, you have a large pool of options; but you also have a wide-selection of insecure-people who deal with social-awkwardness. They don't interact well without a device for security.

The greater the number of people you encounter; the greater the chances you'll get stood-up. You prepare yourself mentally for this possibility; so you don't give-up prematurely in frustration.

The benefit of online dating is the wide pool of options. I wouldn't rely on it.

Getting a bite follows the same principles of chance as in going fishing. Your profile is your bait. Make sure you present your best pics. Match what you claim in your profile. No skin (unless you're a hunk), no bulge or crotch-shots, no pets (your dog or cat isn't the one looking for a date). Avoid strange logos and no creepy messages; or offer too much about your politics. You'll draw nothing but curiosity-seekers; but no real interest. They'll love talking with you; but will not want to actually date you.

Sometimes the waters are full, and you get many bites. Other times you get bites, but they slip-off the hook. Then even still, there's other times they just tease your line, and swim-away.

Patience always pays-off, my friend.

If you're anxious, they'll pick it up in sending too many messages. Asking too many times for reassurance that they're really interested; and generally talking too much. Which sends the signal that you're nervous and lack confidence.

Learn to read between the lines. Women often speak in code. Pay attention when they seem to shy away. If you have to send too many messages to get a response, you just scared the hell out of her!

Don't get too deep, and avoid women who ask very personal-questions. Do not discuss your past failed-relationships; or badmouth your exes. In fact, don't use the word "ex!"

Keep your insecurities to yourself. They've never met you, and you can scare them off! If you give them a full psychological-profile; thinking that will gain their trust. You'll get exactly the opposite. Women are intuitive creatures, and good at putting two and two together. Often coming up with six, instead of four. Many don't trust men!

Dating online is like shopping on Amazon. You can make several selections at a time; and place them in your virtual-shopping cart. Without guilt or conscience, they can find someone they consider a better option. You have to have a thick-skin, and not take it too personally. Again, that confidence-thing. If you think you're a good-catch, be confident. Her loss! On to the next!

You may also be seeking to meet them too soon. Some like a little chat and message-exchange to warm-up to you. You say you aren't desperate; but that's in the eye of the beholder.

Women have to be more cautious than men. Obviously!!!

Manners are pretty much a thing of the past. Don't expect a lot of courtesy or consideration. They don't know you; so they have no particular concern for your feelings.

Many times, there are people who just like attention. They place profiles online just to see how many will go for the bait. It's an ego-booster. Some don't look anything like their profile picture; because it isn't really theirs. Some photo-shop their pics; and add too many refinements. Then comes the moment of truth, and they bailout. They liked your pic, and profile; and just wanted to chat with a cute guy.

Giving you benefit of the doubt!

Always keep in-mind, it's just another tool to find dates; but it's still a selection-process. Changing her mind is a lady's prerogative. Doing it last minute, or on short-notice, is a red-flag!

Sometimes you'll find a match, and sometimes you won't. You must take your time, stay patient, and try to control your sensitivities and insecurities. Use your logic; and just realize that this is math and a game of chance. A matter of numbers, theorems, factors, formulas, angles, and equations. Who says you'll never apply algebra to real life?

Having a wider-range of prospects and more selections; also presents a higher possibility that many will flake-out on you. Don't believe the ads and hype given in the site commercials. You're still dealing with human beings and their predispositions. Stuff happens, that's life.

You can always count on this site. It's the one place you're always sure to get a hit. Nice chatting with you, but I'm taken!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe they go through the dating experience differently than you.

It can be the women that you DO get a date with decides whether they can see a future with you on the first date, or not. And if they don't... they move on asap to not waste their time OR yours.

When you contact women on this dating site, do you go for a certain type? Or do you try and find women you share things in common with?

What are your criteria?

First, I suppose WHAT app are you looking for a partner on? Tindr is GENERALLY knows as a hook up app, for CASUAL hook ups not really the place to look for a serious GF. Whereas paid dating sites are USUALLY for people who are serious about looking for a partner. However you can meet "relationship seeking" people on Tindr and "casuals" on a paid dating site... so YOU have to take your time, not only to BUILD your profile but when you look over women's profiles too.

Use 5-7 photos - if you can use captions on them, use your sense of humor to label them. And no, that doesn't mean you take 5-7 selfies and post those. Do avoid group photos. No one wants to GUESS which one is you. Keep your shirt on in photos. Even if you have a six pack. You want someone to look at you and see BF material, not just self centered beefcake. Leave something to the imagination.

Wording. You should use about 125-150 words for a dating site and 3-5 sentences for a dating app. Include something you are passionate about. Sports, music, bands, movies, travel or whatnot. I think if you LOVE to travel, including a picture (of you) at a recognizable place can be a good icebreaker. A warm and genuine smile will capture more interest than you trying to look "cool". and for goodness sake DO NOT post pictures of you with another woman. Unless it's your sister and you caption the image with THAT info....

contact. You have found someone interesting or someone has contacted you first... When sending a message use the woman’s first name in your message, along with a compliment, which shows you’ve read her profile. (if she has a picture with her dog, or whatever - look at her picture as and read the profile, don't do lame generic pick up lines as a intro.)

When you get an answer (a positive one) DO BOT wait around for x amount of days. SHOOT her a fast reply. You ARE after all looking for a partner, not to play hard to get.

And UNLESS you are JUST looking for a hook up, DO NOT turn the conversation sexual, it's NOT cute. It's awkward. Those kind of "sexting" back and forth should be saved for someone you are ACTUALLY dating.

I would not spend more than 2-3 week chatting online or over text before meeting.

Make the first date short and sweet. Find a place that’s easy for her to get to and where she would feel comfortable.

Do you represent yourself with a couple of good photos and a positive profile?

Maybe consider talk to a friend (female if you have one) and go over your small talk/first date ice breakers.

DO NOT talk about past relationships and bad break ups that just make you sound like a human Eeyore.

DO talk about things you know (if you read her profile) that you have in common. Keep it light. Don't ASK how long she has been on the dating app/ or how long she has been single or WHY she is still single... those are not really great topics. BE a good listener. DO NOT call yourself a good guy, BE a good guy. KEEP the conversation POSITIVE and light.

If at the end of the date you feel like you two hit it off, that there is some chemistry - ASK her on a second date either BEFORE you leave the date or during the next conversation you have with her. I would suggest that IF you take the time to "read" the woman you will sort of get a feel if she is interested or not.

Accept that you MIGHT get way more rejections than second dates. It's OK. You would WANT a girl who is ALSO interested in you. Right? So if she doesn't WANT a second date with you, move on to the next.

And if YOU are not interested in the girl, just end that first date in a nice manner and leave it be. IF she DOES contact you... let her know you didn't feel you two were a good match. Don't waste time on girls who aren't interested or you are not interested in. Someone gives you "random excuses" they ARE NOT interested. Time to move on.

If someone evade every invitation to meet, especially if they’re very talkative - skip that one. It can be a catfish or someone who just IS NOT serious or.. who is "dating" multiple people.

Hope any of that helps.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (6 July 2018):

chigirl agony auntI have no idea.

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