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Why won't my boyfriend tell people about me ?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 9 July 2018)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend won't take me around the people he plays sports with or tell his co workers or family about me. What should I do ? I asked him why he won't tell anyone about me or take me to a soccer game that he plays in coed soccer leauge because I would like to meet his friends and he said because they are not his friends he is only playing a sport with them. He says his coworkers are not important he just works with them and he keeps his private life private. He said eventually I will meet his family but it's only been 5 months.. I get that but they don't even know he is dating anyone. I put my foot down and said I must attend a game he took me but didn't really properly introduce me and he seemed pretty buddy buddy with all of them , the girls ignored me when I waved .. what gives ... how are they not his friends he would sometimes hangout afterwards with them even went to a Christmas party with them but now when he gets an invite he declines ... also he stopped playing Volleyball because he didn't want me to go to a game at least that is my fear because he threw a fit when I asked to go then quit. Am I being unreasonable to ask to be included ? What gives ? I know he doesn't cheat on me he spends all his free time with me and is good to me in other ways. Am I overreacting.. He makes me feel like a jealous nut job. Thanks for any input.

View related questions: christmas, co-worker, jealous

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A female reader, MiaM United States +, writes (9 July 2018):

OP I actually have the opposite thing going on - I am the one who doesnt want to be seeing with him and its because I am ashamed to be seen with him because of his looks. I actually wrote a question here about this very topic. Its heartbreaking & I'm sure its even harder for the receiving party but sometimes people just dont know how to act and allow what others think be stronger than what we feel, this is my case which is why I am letting him go so he can find someone who would love him for the man he is and not half like me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2018):

I had a boyfriend who was like this . He still lived at home with his parents (aged 38 ) he had never lived on his own. He didnt tell anyone he was seeing me, no family friends or co-workers knew i existed. I said id call round to his house and he started begging me not to . I found his behaviour far too strange . He didnt have a secret wife or anything i checked because of how he was being. I think he just like being looked after by mummy and because his parents babyfied him he wouldnt grow like a fully adult should. They would do his washing cooking cleaning make his lunch for work .He was childish at times like sulking and having little tantrums . I ditched him , i had a go at him for being attached to his mums apron strings forever and he needs to grow up . If i was you id tell him you want a serious talk and explain that its strange behaviour not meeting anyone from his life and what kind of relationship is it if you dont meet people , its been 5 months thats way too long in my eyes . The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun and exciting and you tell people how you have met a great person and one day they get to meet them . But by the sounds of it you havent had that from him and if hes acting like this and has been for the last 5 month imagine the next 5 month the same and the next 5 month. Id have a serious think and check you are both on the same page

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2018):

MissKin agony auntI had a boyfriend who wouldn't introduce me because he was embarrassed by me/his friends were massive ***** and would have "been mean to me". I question why he was even friends with people like that. I didn't want to be included in his sports or force my way into his friendship groups (I think it's good for you to have some separate parts). But he wouldn't add me on Facebook even as a friend.... That's not okay with me and it ended. You can't force your way in but I would question why they don't even know abnout you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 July 2018):

Are you of a different ethnic-group or race? Is there a big age difference?

I have known of situations where some people will not announce they have a new significant-other; because they have an abominable-ex who will sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes you're a secret until the guy decides you're a keeper. Sometimes they date you, they have sex with you; but they're ashamed to be seen with you in public. Worse-case scenario, nobody really likes him, and he's known to be a jerk. Maybe he's afraid somebody might warn you.

None of the above are justifiable reasons. You did mention you waved at the girls in his sports circle, and they didn't wave back. Everything you've described raises a ton of red-flags!

Me thinks you are a possession. Someone he owns and places aside, not to be shared, or seen by anyone. Guys like that are usually very controlling, secretive, and spooky. He doesn't share his friends, his family is off-limits, and he doesn't like his women too chummy with his co-workers. He makes sure he covers his tracks, keep dividers between his social-groups; and by no means can you track him down, if he decides to play ghost.

I hope you know exactly how he earns his money. He shows all the attributes of a drug-dealer; or someone in a gang, or organized-crime.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2018):

I agree and disagree with the aunt . However you have a tough choice here . Either ride it out or see if he wants to introduce you to peeps in another few months . My disagreement is the fact that your being hidden like a dirty secret. I don't think your guy thinks your his one and I think you need to say look I'm worth may more . And be honest with him in what he's doing. If he's chatting at work and your his gf surely they know .. I mean you have had the discussion of what you are . I remember mostly with myself when dating long ago .. that we didn't really have the chat we just guessed after being together for so long we were .

If his work mates said what were you doing on the weekend he would mention my name and what we were up to .. I mean is your guy lying.. as that qs does get asked. Or is he editing you out as honestly my take that down eight ignorant no matter how you paint it or wrap it up .. that stinks

So no I don't agree that this guy thinks work is work and home is home.. etc I think he doesn't know your the one

However I agree with honey pie your pushing with the 5 month thing .. tell him you'd like to see him less .. drop a night and go out with your girl friends..

Let him wonder a lil.. say you need a lil space . He unsure about introducing you to his family .. that's fine then you need to back off and go do your own thing until he decides or you decide you found someone better .. no one should hide you.. wether tour a day or week or a month.. if someone spends time with you and then erases you from their memory when asked and hey that's the common qs in all work places .. hey jim what did you do this weekend watch the game or something and he fails to mention your with him .. he could say yea was with Tracy watched the game .. who's that says the other person.. ooh someone I'm getting to know.. that's it simple story ended. But to edit you..

No no I find that a big red flag . At 5 month he should know if he likes you likes you not loves you that takes lil more time but that he wants to get to know you and you him by meeting people that he knows .

Take care and hope you have the courage to give him a kick up the rear by backing of and making him work for you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think it's sad that he rather quit a sport than deal with introducing you.

And I think you are being pushy. And not in a good way.

Now while I feel 6-7 months is a good time to introduce someone to friends and family, for me at least, it should be something HE would want to do, not you PUSHING him to do.

It would be like you telling him he HAS to say he loves you 6 times a day. He might do it, but does he mean it?

He isn't ready to share that he is in a relationship with people on his team, coworkers or his family. So YOU have to decide - is that OK with you or not. Are you willing to wait 3-5 months?

And I have to say, NO you do NOT have to be included in him playing sports. THAT is HIS hobby and I think he should be ALLOWED to have something that he DOES without you having to be included. How about YOUR social life you say nothing about WHO you have introduced him to?

He spends ALL his free time with you? Why? Don't you both have SOME kind of social life?

When I was in college I played co-ed rugby - I didn't introduced my Bf to my team until a year later. I would introduce him if WE ran into any of the players in town or nights out. Some people did bring their partners, some didn't. he did come out to support us (me) for some games as did my brother (my mom refused because she was scared she would have to watch me get hurt).

You are not conjoined twin. Give him some breathing room. Time to also MISS being with you. And GIVE yourself the same.

He is good to you and not cheating so WHAT do you have to be a jealous nut job about? You want to piss your territory off for his FEMALE team mates to make sure they KNOW he is yours?

It's only been 5 months. I think you need to give the guy a break. But you should also set yourself a "dead-line" for how long you want to wait for him to be ready to introduce you to the people in his life that MATTERS to him.

Least but not least, I do agree that in most relationships BOTH partners want to show off their partner, share their happiness with family and friends. No one (that includes you) should be someone "dirty" secret. BUT, and this is just a guess, maybe he has jumped the gun before and then the relationship died. OR he really isn't as close to his coworkers and that HE likes to have SOMETHING in his life that is just his, like his sport and team.

Maybe you need to have a little talk about this. Explain WHY you would like to meet people that matter in his life, and ask him around what time does HE think it's reasonable to introduce a partner.

I think your man likes to keep things compartmentalized. Personal life in this box, sports in this, work over here and family in yet another.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018):

Trust your gut instinct here, it seems odd that he acts that way, maybe he has had various girlfriends, or a recent past one they all got on with, maybe he just isn't that serious about you, i am throwing reasons why, not suggesting for one minute either is the reason, but something seems amiss or you would not be finding it a problem

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A male reader, flamethrower82 United States +, writes (6 July 2018):

If you're not worried about him cheating, then let it be. He is probably saving you from drama that would occur if he did bring you around. Guys can be gossips too. I would even say it's probably good that he stopped hanging around them if they're so toxic that he doesn't trust them with his personal life.

If you want todo him some good, then find a different environment where he can do what he loves without all the toxicity. Try a public park or a beach where people don't you and you don't know them. You both might spark some new friendships and create new memories together.

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