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Old flame from 33 years ago has written me, where do I want this to go?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 June 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2012)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

ok here goes, while in high school I was so in love with this guy, while we were super friends I don't think he really thought of me in the girlfriend way. After high school he went into the service. You have to understand I never forgot about him. While he was in the service and home on leave he called me to go out. I was so excited and could barley contain myself. Things happen that night that probably shouldn't have he asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. Here is the kicker after he left to go back in I never heard from him again. Now up to speed. I met a wonderful man. While not very romantic I know he loves me in his own way. We have two grown children. Well my old flame after 33 years has past has emailed me. I did responed and my heart is beating like in high school. I have never forgotten him. While things have not progressed to anything other than an emails. He has a girlfriend but having problems. He found out that he had a kid but not until that kid was 28 years old, not to mention a granddaughter. He wanted to know about my life and told me that he thinks karma came in and that is why he never got married or was able to raise his child. She never told him she was pregnant. I think he is feeling guilty about the way he treated me. He told me he had been a jerk in the past. I just dont know what he is expecting from me. I am still in love with him and I think I always will be. I get very exctied when he writes back. I do wait a few days before I respond and try to choose my words very carefully. I don't know really what I want a relationship or just for him to say he wants me and for me to tell him no. Has anyone ever had this problem before and if so what did you do.

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A female reader, prawn United Kingdom +, writes (13 June 2012):

prawn agony auntOh dear I feel for you so much, the same thing has happened to me i was engaged 32 years ago and our parents split us up and he got married straight after, he contacted me again after 32 years, like you I have all the same feelings. Which I can say were real, despite anyone telling you they werent because of our age we were then. I never have stopped loving him and have never truly felt the same for anyone else. We rang and emailed for a while until he dropped off, I am married too, he is still married to the same woman and he lives miles away. we met once and kissed thats all and it was a big mistake because worst of all I felt the same for him and more. Dont meet him whatever you do, I dont want to happen to you what happened to me. I am feeling terrible at the moment because he came back into my life stirred up all my feelings and now he has gone. I realised this and I hardly switch my phone on anymore even when i do I hope hes there, thats no life. Please dont let this relationship develop if you do your feelings will grow, and he let you down once and he may well do again. You see its so easy on the internet to click onto people and yet they do not realise what a can of worms this opens up, the past is best left where it is believe me. You know I was okay before he contacted me happy home, husband, a child, and I bet you were okay too. And he cant explain away his love for you as to why he never got married and raised his child. Dont feel guilty about your feelings you cant help that you are not a criminal you havent broke the law, you just love someone thats all. I do understand more than you think but you have a chance to nip this in the bud now and please do so, and not be feeling sad with tears in your eyes like I have. He is well gone but these feelings are what I am left with, so you asked if anyone out there has beeen through the same thing well yes here I am, so please read and re- read what I have written. It can happen to anyone of us, I am just relieved that he has gone and I realise how sucked in I was, there is a saying "there is none as blind as them that see", i was blinded by my feelings. But I never slept with him so I still have my dignity intact, and it wont be the first time this has happened and it wont be the last. Lots and lots of love to you, i will think about you and hold you in my prayers, Add me on as a friend if you wish and I will give you all the support I can xxxx

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A female reader, 1sunshine United States +, writes (9 June 2012):

1sunshine agony auntIt's exciting, makes your heart beat fast and it's so tempting! I have been there as well. My first boyfriend that I was absolutely crazyyy about (( we were 16 y.o.)) hit me up on facebook. I was married for 7 years.

I think its just a thrill. If you got together with this guy, you would realize that it ended for a reason. Don't chance it... You have a man at home that loves you and it's so hard to find love.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (9 June 2012):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHow exciting to be contacted after such a long time, I can imagine past feelings came flooding back, but they are an illusion, the feelings of the girl you were then, on the brink of everything that was yet to come.

What does the man you are with now think about these emails or are you already keeping secrets from him?

My gut tells me nothing good will come of this situation. You have a wonderful man who loves you, and grown children you have raised together.

I think you know deep down there is nothing here for you, when you say you wonder if you are wanting him to suggest a life together so you can tell him "no". I think the time to tell him NO is now. You don't owe this old flame anything, so if you are uncomfortable telling him you dont want to correspond anymore just stop answering his emails.

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A female reader, Trinklett Canada +, writes (9 June 2012):

Trinklett agony auntYou're at least 51 years old. Did he contact you via facebook? Why didn't he do so earlier? I'm sure he had looked you up earlier but didn't think it necessary. All of a sudden he's contacting you? I'll limit your contacts on that mailing level. Tell him if he asks to meet that you don't think its necessary. If you bump into each other fine but I won't go out of my way to arrange a meeting with him. Remember he's doing it now cos its conveinent for him not because he misses you like crazy. With the way you're feeling I'll be weary opening this can of worms. MHO

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (9 June 2012):

Hi there. Perhaps you are just flattered that he has contacted you again, after so long.

You are already with a wonderful man whom you love very much, and with grown up children together.

Do you really want to risk giving that all up on an old flame you haven't seen for 33 years?

He is remembering what existed way back then, and is curious as to whether he still has a chance with you now.

And it seems to be triggered by the fact he is going through a rough patch with his current girlfriend.

If you were to even see this old boyfriend again, don't you think that it would be akin to cheating on your husband?

And he would also be cheating on his current girlfriend, wouldn't he?

If you want to see this man again, well then you could just meet for coffee, and simply chat and catch up - but no more than than. No sex or kissing, nothing like that at all.

DO NOT tempt fate!

Perhaps the feelings of excitement that you are having now, are nothing more than the remnants of your old memories from long ago, and nothing more.

Curiosity and wondering how he looks, you know, like a high school reunion and everyone goes along to see how everyone else looks after all those years ago.

As long as you are genuinely happy with your husband, you really don't want to risk losing everything.

And what if your husband found out?

People talk, don't they?

And besides that, what if you took the big risk and saw this old love of yours and you hit it off, just like before.

Then it didn't work out and your husband found out you were seeing this other man, and said - "it's over!"

Then you truly have lost everything!

Surely it's not worth it to take the gamble on this other man.

I really think it's probably more curiosity than actually wanting to get back with this other man again.

You might just be feeling a bit bored with your life at the moment, and lacking in inspiration.

Why not take up a hobby instead? It would be much more fun for you, and you risk absolutely nothing.

Another thing that could be happening for you, is that you

want to know that you are still attractive to other men, for your own personal satisfaction to know you "still have it".

And this seems to prove that.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (9 June 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntWhy are you already jumping into a relationship with this man when all he did was email you? I don't know, but it seems very presumptuous to think that after 33 years you'd just jump back into a relationship with someone. Maybe he doesn't really want a relationship...maybe he wants to catch up with you. In 33 years, a lot can change. People change, circumstances change, and I think it is foolish to think that he all-of-a-sudden wants a committed relationship with you. It's even more foolish to think you should just jump into one with him. Maybe go have coffee or lunch with him and catch up on things. It's not like you have a to make a decision right this instant...why would you want to?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (8 June 2012):

aunt honesty agony auntYou both had history together, but 33 years is a long time, yes you love the guy that left you all those years ago but the current version of him might be very different and someone who you cannot relate to, are you prepared to through your relationship away on someone you haven't saw since your teenage years? Off course you don't. Yes you are excited that he has contacted you after all these years. But you will have both changed a lot, plus he ran off on you once who is to say he would not do it again, please do not get carried away by this. Maybe he does feel bad and that why he has contacted you, but my guess is that he just wanted to get in touch with an old friend because he is going through a hard time at the moment. Whatever his reasons are please do not get carried away.

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