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female
,
anonymous
writes: Am i being unreasonable?My partner of two years,insists, he still needs to keep a strong connection with his estranged wife.I am confident he no longer loves her, but he is all for a quiet life.She is very demanding, and i sometimes think, he would prefer to upset me, than have to stand up to her.He has said that, even though their divorce is nearly finalised,he will have to continue obeying her commands, and requests. Our relationship is beginning to suffer.I dont think i can continue ,with there being three of us ,in this relationship.Please whats you opinion?ThanksDMi
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Are there children involved? You don't mention this. Sometimes a man will keep a 'peaceful co-exsistenace' with the ex-wife so the children can cope better, emotionally. After divorce, fathers retain the status of father, but the roles associated with fatherhood are much more difficult to maintain if the father and children no longer live in the same household. He may be trying to hang onto that status by remaining cordial with the ex wife.
However, if there are no children, and he still insists on being connected to her after the divorce, this will continue to create problems between you both. In this case, your feelings are not wrong, and they are getting in the way of having normal relationship with the man you love. While some people can remain friends after a divorce, as far as I'm concerned there is no reason to keep 'emotionally connected'. It sounds like he just doesn't want a 'fight' with her so he continues to just appease her, to stave off a conflict. In this case, he needs to say good-bye to her for good. Or...do you think he is still experiencing a sense of loss with his marriage thus continuing his efforts to retain a connection to the ex-wife? He may not have worked out all the 'baggage' before meeting and beginning a relationship with you. A common mistake many people make.
This is your bf’s issue. You need to be loving but clear to him about your feelings regarding how his relationship with his ex-wife is affecting you. You would be wise to sit him down and tell him this. What he needs to learn to do is move forward with you and leave the past, behind. It's time for him to cut contact and move forward with you and leave the past behind.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 Whilst they are going through a divorce it is necessary for him to try to stay on good terms with her. If not, she can make his life very difficult through her (evil) lawyers.
However, once the divorce is final, he is no longer under any obligation (or has any political need). At that point things could be different. There is no reason for him to continue obeying her commands and requests after they are divorced.
Have you discussed what you two will do after the divorce? You might suggest an agreement with him where he can prioritize keeping his ex happy during the divorce but then ceases contact with her afterwards. He might agree to that, which should give you a clear deadline as to when this situation will end. It sounds like he has said that he wants to continue 'obeying' her after the divorce? but that is the bit that doesn't add up...
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