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female
,
anonymous
writes: hello i am asking for help on behalf of my mother.the problem is my sister she is now 16 years old and she is totally out of control i just dont no wot to do to help my mum in the situation she is going out drinkin all the time and she doesnt come in on time at all my mum will say be in a 12 and she comes in at like 2 3 or sometimes even 4 and there has been time where she just hasnt come home at all and my mum is at wits end with her the police has been out late at night and everything because of her she is going to ruin her career and she is geting a name for herself bacause she is always around the lads and im sure she is doing things with them which ok i no that she is old enough but not to be a slag thats not good my mum is so worried about her thinking she wll come home pregnant or have been beaten up or even raped i can tell how worried my mum is and she will turn into a nervous wreck soon she has tryed all kinds grounding her witch doesnt work because my sister just doesnt listen and goes out any way she has stopped giving her money but then she just makes my mums life hell and makes her feel bad all the time she has tryed to talk to her but my sister just sits there lying about everything she is ment to be going college in september and i think she is going to mess all that up and the money she gets of the college with be spent on alcohol all the time i really dont no what to suggest and what i can do to help me mum on this i am worried about my sister and worried about my mum aswell its not fair at her if there is any advice out there please tell i am deperate for help i thank you in advance xxxxanon
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2006): it sounds liek your sister is manipulative and your mother is passive. Make sure both of your parents are very very strict with her. They sit her down, yell at her make eye contact and establish rules. Is possible make sure your sister has a job, or something to take up her free time. Take the car away from her. Freeze her bank account or get a safe for your home. Make sure your mother talks to the parents of other kids she knows. Have your mom pull her out of college, or deliberately call the cops on her- so she knows that her actions have consequences. And have her deal with them( ie not going to college being at home till she can calm down and realize the value of the investment- or sit in jail and realize that what she does is illegal for her age.) Consequences are the best way to teach someone if parental control doesnt do it. Otherwise though, relax because its not your deal- its your sisters. I have had the same problems with my smaller sister( i am the over acheiver she is the under age druggie etc.) and my sister has had to pay the price with MIPS court visits, my father frightening her and teaching her lessons with his stare etc. She is not goin anywhere fast.But my parents gave up on her illegal activity long ago ( she lost her virginity at 13) so please dont worry, and if possible dont let your parents worry to much, just have them crack down a bit. The more radical her behavior, the more radical the consequences remember that. Let her do what she wants, as long as your parents show that they wont pay for her college or her bail then the message with get through. This is probably the case cause your parents are too loose and easy on her. They need to let her out of their grasp and let bigger things come her way to deal with.
Hope this helps!
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 First of all try not to worry as your sister is enjoying the 'attention' - teens sometimes feed on getting a bad reputation. Your Mum has every right to worry but she needs to be the firm parent and stand her ground. First of all she needs to stop her money allowance altogether. Your sister should 'earn' money around the house by doing odd jobs or getting an outside job. My parents never gave me pocket money because they were poor but I managed by getting little jobs. If your sister develops some concept that money doesn't grow on trees, she may be motivated to go to college and improve her opportunities. Your mother just cannot be soft with her because she is contributing to the problem by sending mixed messages of 'what you are doing is bad' but 'here is a hand out to keep the peace'. If your sister is not in the house by 12, she should put the chain on the door and leave her for a night on a cold step...she will not be at greater harm than she is already at risk of...a cold night on the step may improve her behaviour. If she isn't in for dinner at the arranged time, her meal should go in the bin. It is about instilling values and respect in your family the hard way....why should your sister behave herself if she knows she can get away with misbehaviour?
Consistency is the key to this - your mother must be firm however hard it gets as she is the adult here, and your sister is the child. She should have a system of rewards going for good behaviour as much as punishments for bad behaviour for all the kids in your house. When a teen has gone bad it is really easy to focus on the bad stuff and overlook the good behaviour - since she only gets attention when she is misbehaving then she feeds on it...there is no incentive to behave any other way. Your mother cannot force her into college but she can make it clear that life isn't handed out on a plate and she can provide the right incentive for this girl to get her act together. The college will have their own disciplinary terms if she doesn't show up and do her homework so her source of income with dry up quickly.
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