A
male
age
51-59,
*hangeiseverything
writes:So...I just want to open this space for discussion between men and women husbands and wives girlfriends and boyfriends about what it means when a man is being "too nice" or is a "Nice Guy" and how it makes both men and women feel...there are a lot of unspoken expectations between men and women these days...being too nice just is not attractive but a lot of us guys were taught that that was what women wanted... in lots of different ways and it seems as if we are now left trying to clean this mess up...finding out that women don't really want nice guys at all and they don't reaally want to know that you would step in front of a truck for them or that you will even stick around...so just jump in here if this rings any bells or if you have any insight about how these ideas or situations affect your life.Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Being too nice when you are in an actual relationship isn't the problem. The problem comes when initially meeting and attracting someone that being overly nice causes the problems. Of course there are other attraction factors, but a lot of them are factors that branch off as a result of being brought up to be too nice to begin with. Everybody likes a nice person, but there is a big difference between having a pleasant demeanor and being raised as a "nice guy".
I don't know what it is, but I'm yet to meet any female who fully understands the concept. Its always met with defensiveness and denial. There are tonnes of books out there that explain it, I'm halfway through reading a book meant for women. Its called "catch him and keep him", and I've gotta be honest, its really opened my eyes to a lot of things that women have talked to me about over the years and I've kinda just dismissed as pathetic and irrational, when in reality I just didn't understand it.
So my challenge to the ladies... try reading a book that's actually aimed at men, read a pick up artist book even, you don't have to actually agree with it. The "nice guy" problem does exist and it is completely different to nice girls getting dumped. But you may need to read a good book to fully grasp it. The saying "nice guys finish last" didn't become a well known saying without there being a kernal of truth behind it.
A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Well, you guys also break up with "nice girls", so it's not only us girls who break up with what you call the too-"nice guy". How many times have you broken up with a girlfriend who was sweet, but you got bored of her and lost interest and you wanted to go chase after other girls?
Women do not break up with guys because they are too-nice.
She may have broken up with you for the following reasons:
1) She was much more outgoing than you and therefore she got bored with you even though you were doing all the right things.
2) You were acting clingy and constantly seeking attention and her approval.
3) You were depressed and negative.
4) You had low-self esteem and acted desperate to get a gf
5) You were being annoying and immature
6) You were extremely boring to have a conversation with
7) You were not her type in terms of physical attractiveness
8) You were not going anywhere in life - no goals, no education, no work perspectives, no future
9) You are too shy/ too quiet (at least for me, that's kind of a turn off).
Unfortunately, guys who possess any of the above qualities try to "act too nice" in order to compensate for these. Then when they get dumped they refuse to realize the real reason why they got dumped and instead blame it on the "being too nice" issue.
To me, a guy who is nice is a guy whom I will not break up and that is a guy who:
1) Is punctual
2) Is interested in me and shows it by chasing me
3) Calls me at least once a day
4) Respects me and my friends and family
5) Introduces me as his official gf to everyone
6) Asks me to meet his family
7) Makes jokes, teases me in a nice way
8) Is being affectionate (hugs, kisses)
9) At least at the beginning of the relationship pays for the first few dates
10) Is ready to help me (to fix my computer, to wash the dishes, etc).
11) Possesses the kind of physical attractiveness that appeals to me. Everyone has a different taste, so do not worry.
12) Says and does things - actions speak louder than words.
Well, I hope this clears the issue that it is not being too nice that got you dumped, but rather one of the negative qualities I mentioned.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (7 June 2010):
 I will say that there is something to women saying what they want but really wanting something else. Yes, they want a nice guy. But that is not the most important thing. If you are a sweet guy that treats them well, you will probably lose out to the daredevil that they find intriguing. But I would say this mostly applies to women under the age of 25. This is a generalization ladies, so don't get angry. There is always an exception.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Take anything I say with a pinch of salt marie, I'm not that detached from reality... yet. :D
I wrote a long msg explaining my opinion on the whole "nice guy" issue, but I think I'll save myself the too and fro and just say that I know exactly where you're coming from OP and leave it at that. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): In my opinion, it's only immature girls who say that a guy is too nice -- the girls who aren't old enough to know that the flashy bad boy in the movies wouldn't really have been tamed by the right girl if it were real life.
I agonized over breaking up with my last boyfriend because he was so nice -- he was a commitmentphobe with much less ambition than I like in a guy, but I loved being with him because he was so sweet. If a guy could be too nice, my ex probably would have been, but I took that as a reason to stay with him, not to end things.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Nice guys apply only.. why would anyone want a guy who makes them feel like shit..
I don't understand the logic myself.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (6 June 2010):
Given the amount of times I've heard a girl say I just want a nice guy... even when she's bawling her eyes out on my shoulder... (ironic much), this useless hand-me-down is here to stay for generations. Its like finding out that there's no santa claus as a kid, except this myth stretches into adulthood. Nice is not attractive to women kiddies... OH NO I'VE SAID IT!! :P
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A
female
reader, laetitia +, writes (6 June 2010):
I want a nice guy, as long as he is attractive and interesting to talk to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I married a nice guy. I was with him for 5 years before marrying him, because I wanted to know if he was truly "nice", or if he had a nasty side once the relationship passed the whole "giddy" phase and we let down our hair.
I had a courtship that many would have considered boring, and there were times when I wondered if I was missing out on some guy who rode the lightning and was all about the sexual "chemistry".
No way. Nice guys are mature and stable guys!!. I have the absolute greatest husband and father the world has ever produced, and we're still madly in love. I hope with all my heart that my son grows up in his image, because it's a good one. He's still a nice guy too. :)
Don't be anything but yourself. Cheap lines and the asshole act aren't what get it, nor is the player womanizer man-whore act either. You don't want the type of girl who goes after that either. You can still be ambitious, passionate, visionary, and still be a nice guy.
Nice guys can love life too without having massive crazy egos. I think nice guys get a bad rap because some of them have no direction and get clingy and apathetic as time goes on. But that isn't what a "nice guy" is, and it's easy to keep a girl interested and still be nice.
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