A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok well here goes nothing..I have nobody else I can talk to and I need to get some advice. First I am going to ask people not to put me down for my decisions, because i could never regret them. I have 2 beautiful children who I love very much. My son who just turned 6. I had him when i was young. I was only 20. I was with my live in boyfriend at the time. We were together for 4 years. The love of my life right? WRONG!! Well every girls dream is to have a perfect family, well at least a family. Well once I had my son I realized how deep I had gotten myself in. Our son hardley existed in his eyes. And neither did i. He woldnt even feed him because he thought it was "gross" Well I found out that he had been cheating on me...with a 16 year old!!! Wow did I feel pathetic. Here I sat a lonely 20 year with an infant..who was going to help me and care for us? Luckily I have a wonderful family, and his family and I are still very close. At the time his brother was laid off and offered to help me out with my son so that i could go back to work and make some money. Well Im sure you women out there know what it feels like to see a real man hold your child and console them when they are sick. And to tell you to kick your feet back and that they will take care of it. Well my heart melted and I began to have feelings for him and vice versa. Needless to say we ended up together. (did I tell you they were twins?) Well I am sure you can see how hard it was for us to have a relationship under these terms. How could we? It was wrong! Well I was going to end it and at the last second I told myself that for once I was going to do something that felt right for me and to screw everyone else. We both defended our relationship for 3 years, and we were rock solid. (with your normal ups and downs) And now the past two years...well they have been an over struggle. I cant even seem to find my own hert and my own thoughts anymore if that makes any sense. LAtely all he does is come home from work (wich is about 32 hours a week) goes and grabs a beer and heads to the basement and smokes a bowl. (wich I DO NOT do) But he did it when we started dating and so I fugred it was just something he did once in awhile. Well it is all the time. We could no longer afford daycare so I quit my job and started watching my B/F/F's kids through the state. Wich wasnt much but at least it was something. So I work 40 plus hours a week and on top of it do all the house work and take care of my son and our 3 year old daughter. (I know its a lot to take in :) ) and he still has room to complain that the kids are here on his day off. And he sleeps in till 10 on days hes not working(construction) while im up at 5 am. He never helps whith anyhting. He is drinking more everyday. He thinks it is ok to ask rude comments about the kids that I babysit like "are the cosby's or the turds coming?" Because they are half black. He never used to be racist. And too top it off why I am aking about all this tonite, is he drank A LOT tonite. when I looked on his cell/facebook he was talking to 2 (seperate) ex GF (Mind you we have been together 5 years, own a house, and have a 3 year old together) Anyway he was asking one ex for her friends # wich is also his ex and telling her he missed them both sooo much. And the other one he was talkin to just told her how good it made him feel to talk to her, and how bad our relationship is going (even tho it wasnt) well I hid his phone and told him i didnt. Anyway he ended up shoving and pushing me all over to tell him where it was. Our daughter ended up seeing the end of it. and now I think that my foot is spranged!! This is the first time this has happend. And this is also the first time that I stayed calm and didnt cry or show any emotion. Im at a loss. this is my daughters father and the man/boy who raised my son. And on top of it....we live in such a small town. I am humiliated, and at a loss for what to do. Please someone give me some advice:(
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 October 2009):
 Wow! I feel terrible for you. What is it, does "loser" run in the male side of that family? Twins no less?
Okay here's a possible solution to your problem.
Your boyfriend has to stop taking drugs and drinking. The booze and the dope have completely clouded his judgment to the point that he thinks your relationship is in the can, and so in his mind, its okay to flirt with ex-girlfriends while ignoring the children in his home (daughter and nephew).
It seems to me that you've given him a big piece of your heart, cared for him and the home; raised the children; and from what I can read into this, despite him being a jerk, you love him.
You and he need to be sober, and spend time together as a loving couple. He has to understand that his ex-girlfriends, pick one or both, think of him as nothing more than a "good time" and someone to hang out with, but the reality is, your relationship deteriorated because he's ignoring you and neglecting his role as both the man in your life, the "father" of his nephew, and the father of his daughter. Instead, he's just indulging in selfish, self-absorbed pursuits.
He needs to focus on being a man, not a boy trying to prove his self-worth.
And from what I'm seeing here, he's lost your respect because of his behavior.
Something must've happened between then and now to plunge him down deep into this cave he's hiding in. And you need to drag him out of it.
Maybe if he sees that the ex-girlfriends are not going to consider him any kind of a catch, based on his drinking and doping and selfish attitude; he's going to realize he's already got what he needs at home.
This doesn't seem to be your problem, based on what you've written.
On the other hand, guys plunge into the "cave" when their needs are being neglected too. So one question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you've been giving him what he needs emotionally or otherwise?
Its a thought. You have to ask him to cough it up. What do the ex-girlfriends have to offer that you don't? And why? What is it going to take for him to spend more time focusing on you and the family? What do you need to do for him?
Those are questions the two of you need to answer together.
Otherwise, he's just going to spiral down into a dingy apartment somewhere, paying child support and having no one in his life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): A shuv or a push it always starts like this. Get out while you can, run away somewhere take your kids of course. Yeah its not too survier this time but what about next time? A fist maybe? The trust has been lost somewhere so deep you'll never really find it. You deserve MUCH better than him. Never forget that! You are strong and will never give in to his violent ways. For now focouse on getting out of that marrige your obviously not happy there are (belive it or not) better guys out there.
Hope this helped good luck :)
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