A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my partner's 50 and been living with his mother again for the last 5 months due to financial difficulties.the whole situation is really depressing him to say the least. although his mum willingly put him up he doesn't have his own space - 'his room' has loads of her stuff in it so she is always in and out (quite embarassing when we're in the middle of getting intimate). she constantly moans at him to clear up after himself (he likes to leave a cup in his room but he's not even allowed to do that. also, i bought hima balloon for his birthday and she claimed it was 'in her way' - you get the jist).on top of the moaning we have to sit listening to her slagging off members of the family every night - 'they bought dogs, the poor children...' ... ' what's she doing with him'......god should be worshiped by every1 there is only one god, no such god as allah....' - i'm sick of listening to it.my partner have been away three times in the last 5months and it's nice to have some time to ourself where we can do exactly what we want when we want with noone else to answer to. (due to age difference we can't go to my house)she hardly lets me stay over - once a month and also has slagged off our age difference to his daughter and says it's never going to work etc - i have thought about when i'm 28 he's going to be 60 etc and i don't wish to hear other people's views. i appreciate the fact that everyone has their own opinion but i don't really wish to hear it night after night.(we've been together over a year)anyway, getting to the point, my partner (even though he's sick of his mum moaning and wants some space etc) has said that the next time we go away he would like to invite his mum along!!!! the whole point of us getting away is to have some time alone. i wouldn't mind him going away with his mum alone if that's what he wanted to do but i'd rather not go.how can i say this without sounding selfish? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's her birthday in three days, should i buy her anything, if so what?
last year i made a fuss of her but this year i really don't feel like it
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni spoke to his mum last night whilst he was out of the room. i couldn't help myself, i wasn't nasty i just wanted the truth. she apologied to me and said she thought it would be better if it was 'immediately family' only - i was quite fumed as it was her daughters occasion not hers. she told me how she'd made a mistake though as at the meal table my partners brothers and sisters made comments about how i should have been there. and then told me that she didn't want my boyfriend 'wasting his money on paying for a meal for me!!!!!! i told her i had money if he couldn't afford it. my boyf told me she has always had problems with peoples partners within the family circle - it's almost as if she wants to control every1: the only one to blame is him for letting her do it.
he's had enough of his situation living with her and not being able to do what he wishes (even if it is buying whatever washing powder he wants to buy).
however, i have let him know that i will not be standing for this anymore and the next time i will be off like a shot.
his mum's going on like a really old woman not someone in her early 60's.
he always tells me how fond she is of me (i can't see that). he doesn't know how i feel about her, i never slag her off as that's his mum at the end of the day. i always kiss her on the cheek when i go round but i don't want to anymore as she's just a back stabber. will it look wierd if i just stop greeting her with a kiss?
i know it sounds silly but i am very much in love with the man :(
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 You hit the nail on the head with your last few words, "the way i've been treated by her and her son"
Her son's treatment is the one you should be questioning, not the mothers. I still don't understand what the attraction is here, he lives with his mum, he avoids taking you to family functions, you can't take him home to your place, he takes his mum on holidays with you both, he is in debt, his daughter doesnt like you ... the list goes on
what is in this relationship for you?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 March 2010):
The one you should have a problem with is your boyfriend, not his mother. I'm sorry to be so blunt dear but it looks like he is the one who didn't want you to come and he used his mother as an excuse. He knows you two don't get along so he played you off against each other. Possibly, he didn't want you there since at 50 he is now back home and didn't want people to further judge him for snagging himself a young pretty thing yet he can't even afford a place to stay. I remember we had a similar situation in my family where one of my cousins told his girlfriend that his parents had forbidden him to marry her. She hated his parents with a passion for years, only to find out later that they had no knowledge of it. In the past they had made random comments about her but never forbid marriage. Perhaps this is time for you to move on because your boyfriend is beginning to sound like a real loser. I know you love him but for goodness sake he is in his 50's, living with his controlling mother, has no money to fully support himself let alone you, is paying child support, won't even consider you important enough to invite you to family get togethers... How much of a future do you really have with him? I would cut my losses and run.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have recently started coming round to the fact that it wouldn't hurt if my boyfs mother did come along with us for one weekend.
however!!!!! after this weekends episode i just feel why the hell should i bother. let me put you in the picture. my boyfriend and i have been together a year and 3 months as i've said. he had a family meal to go to (with his sisters, brothers, partners, nieces, nephews etc). i've met most of his family and they haven't really got a problem with the age difference and i get on well with his sisters. i asked him why he hadn't mentioned that i could come. he said that he had 'asked his mum'!!!! i was horrifed that a man of 50 has to ask his mum if his partner could come out for a fmily occasion.
his mother said that it's family only! i was totally shocked, especially as she wnated to go on holiday with us. i have bit my tongue on various things and i'm always friendly to here. anyway - he still went even though i couldn't go because lack of his mums permission!
photos of the meal we're put on facebook and various people who were not 'part of the family' were invited, including one of my boyfriends friends who she slags the back out of!
i used to go round to my boyfs place (well his mums he lives with her) everyday. i now haven't been round for four days as i don't want to be in her presence. i don't know why i wasn't invited. out of principle i feel my boyfriend shouldn't have gone! i have never been unpleasant to her and tend to get some of her shopping (she usualy rings me to ask me to do odd jobs for her which i don't mind).
i'm quite shocked, what is the reason for the way i've been treated by her and her son?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe spend about one/two hundred pounds each when we go away - it's usually only two/three nights *we stay in the country) so the money we spend isn't enough to make a difference to getting a place together. i'm a student with a part time job and he's got children to pay for.
yh i agree - it would be nice to take his mum away to say thanku if that's what he wishes to do but i really don't want to go. his mum, him and i have been on day trips and stuff and she just moans that she wants to go home.
i don't know how to put it across that it won't be the same with his mum coming - i know it sounds mean but i really don't mean it like that. my boyf and i rarely get quality time - she never goes out and never leaves us to have the place to ourselves so it's really me, him and her. when we are away together it's nice to have that quality time.
she has friends in different cities that she can stay with so i don't see why she can't do that?
i don't mind them going away but i'd rather not be part of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): How can you afford to go away so much when your boyf's financial situation is forcing him to live at home with his mum, and yours forces you to live with your parents? Wouldn't you be better saving your money for your own place so you don't have to deal with living with others and can be together? If not then deal with the consequences, ie. his mother who is causing problems for you, and just get on with it.
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (16 February 2010):
This is one of those situations where you have to play along. Firstly you say a lot of negative things about his mother, yet she has been forced to take in her 50 year old son! Her house, her rules!! Secondly he obviously loves her and is grateful for her care and support. So this is an opportunity for you to be gracious and accept that she may need a holiday as well. Its not like you will all be in the same hotel room. You will be together probably mostly at meals. Perhaps this is an opprtunity to get to know her better. When people get to a certain age, they don't censor what they say as much; she sounds like most charming old ladies I know. At around her age of 70, how many more holidays is she going to enjoy? Be more caring and sensitive to her otherwise she is probably right that your relationship won't last. My boyfriend also has an elderly mother in her 80's and I have also had to share holidays with her. She often says outrageous things but I don't put it to heart and I just treat her with love and respect and my partner respects and loves me more because of it. So be respectful; when she was wiping doo doo off his ass, being puked on and sleepless nights with him, she did it out of love and giving him a place to stay even at 50 means she is still being selfless. Its about time she went on a well deserved holiday with her son.
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male
reader, luke16 +, writes (16 February 2010):
I think the best way to tell him is to say that you want to spend some alone time with him and that you feel if his mother comes along you two wont be able to do so. Also tell him that you want him to enjoy this holiday just as much as you and you feel that if it's just the two of you, you will both have a great and romantic holiday together.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 February 2010):
He may see this as an opportunity to say "thanks" to his mother, he may see it as an opportunity for you and his mother to be able to get together in a neutral place (not her house), or he may even not want to be away with just you.
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