A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I guess I am going through some sort of emotional crisis lately. I am 29 and have been single for 3 years now. Basically, I have only had one single long-term relationship in my life, which lasted for 3 years. Breaking up with my ex was a tough decision but things weren't going so well between us. However, little did I know that I was in for loooong dry spell.I was very busy during the first year after my breakup but I have been now actively looking for a girlfriend for 2 years but in vain. Actually, I have met a lot of people in the meantime, but it just didn't click with any of the girls I met (well most of the time, I did not seem to interest them).Looking at most of my male friends, I observe how they treat women: cheating on them, having multiple relationships, lying, not replying to their calls, etc. Yet, no matter what happens, they are never short of girlfriends. They have no qualms playing with their feelings and dumping them in order to get a hotter one.They don't burden themselves with ethical and moral questions. They just follow their guts and actively look to have as much fun as possible.Sure, I don't say that I should behave like them. I can't say I am a religious person, but I do have some strong principles (for example, I refuse to have one-night stands as I need to have established a strong connection beforehand). It would also hurt my self-respect if I did such things. For example, I did have a fling with some girl but I had to move out of the country. Such a relationship would not have lasted, so I didn't pursue the matter any longer for both of our sakes. Had it been one of my friends, he would have made the most out of this girl (making her believe that it could last), and then move on to the next girl after he would leave abroad.Maybe my problem is that I am too caring. I have plenty of good female friends who all say how funny and adorable I am, however other girls don't see these qualities in me... Maybe my problem is that I am not flirty enough: my friends think about girls and how to bed them 24/24, while I had been keeping myself busy with other things and did not invest so much time as them in dating...My point is that I feel like I am missing out many things in my life. I don't understand how I found myself in that situation and I can't see any way out of it. It's not that girls are totally uninterested (I do get looks in the street) but I fail horribly at the courting phase (I am working on that though).All my friends are in relationships, getting married or having babies. I am happy for them, but deep inside, I can feel my heart ache. Whenever I see a couple kissing or holding hands, I feel extremely miserable and like dying on the spot. Today, in my language course, the theme was about relationships. Everyone was talking about their significant others and I just had to pretend I was dating someone. I felt like a loser...Lately, I have been attending various meetup groups related to various fields of interest and have seen many single men and women in their late thirties and mid-forties desperately looking for a partner. I really don't want to end up like them... :( Sorry for the long post. I needed to rant somewhere. I just hope that I manage to find someone at some point. Maybe my whole approach of life is wrong. Even though my post seems desperate, I never show my desperation to others. I am actually quite good at hiding my feelings and people think I am genuinely positive and outgoing. While I am naturally pleasant and funny, I also have a part of sadness and frustration deep inside and it only gets worse with the years as the singles pool is shrinking...Thanks for reading my post and for any tips. Please also share your experiences. They could inspire me :)
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 This was a great commentary to read...very refreshing from the usual posts. I'm in my forties and I'm still learning about the dating game. I was married once before. It was a disaster. I was not in love with him, but I rushed into marriage because my biological clock was ticking and I thought marriage would provide a life of stability for me. It was the worst mistake I ever made, but my biggest life lesson. Do I regret it? Yes and No. Yes because it cost me dearly both emotionally and financially. No, because I grew up from this experience. I would not be who I am today without it.
It is good that you are thoughtful about other people's feelings and you are principled, but don't let this prevent you from loosening up and having fun. Don't be afraid to take risks and jump down that rabbit hole. If you meet someone interesting who makes your heart skip a beat, just focus on the moment and try not to worry about the future. Your life will become more adventurous and full of new experiences. So the next time you're at the pub and some beautiful woman is giving you the eye, become an explorer of new experiences and see where the conversation leads you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 March 2013):
 You have to let yourself loose and have fun. I think the girls were uninterested because at first they look for attraction, not connection. They might say no to first date sex, but secretly they want the men to want them that way. Sorry to say but being that gentleman who waits for signals is a turn off, so is a man who is too agreeable.
I am not a man, so it's hard for me to relate why some guys chase after a skirt, while others need a connection first. If you understand the concept of polar attraction, it's actually a womanly trait to need to connect first before feeling sexual. Maybe that's why they feel something is off when a man treats a woman so well and keeps his hand to himself. She suspects the man is less sexual.
When I have to pick between a guy who is agressive and a guy who waits for signals, my heart will always be drawn to the agressive one. I know all too well that agressive guys are more likely to be jerks, but feelings are irrational and I can't help who I am turned on to.
It seems to you relationships are black and white. It's either marriage or sleazy one night stands. I ask you to stop linking sex and respect. Men can't use women unless the women let them. Women get something from sex too. Instead be authentic about your desires. Women also like men taking the lead instead of questioning appropriateness. There is no reason why you can't have sex and at the same time get to know her inside and out.
A date is very simple. Make a woman feel good so she will come back for more. Don't think about long term until that time comes.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 March 2013):
 PS
one other asks this.......
GUYS: what do you think of a girl that's been single for 2 years?
I've been single for 2years now and I don't feel like been with anyone.
Guys tell me I'm cute and sexy and they wanna get to know me and take me out etc:
But I'm never interested.
But I've decided to give dating a go again.
So guys would you date a girl that's been single for 2 years? Oh and I've not had sex in 2 years either I don't believe in casual sex.
I have a few guys that wants to take me out on dates and im thinking of going. So it it comes up should I tell them? Or they'd think I'm weird?
I'm 23.
so your not alone ok
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 March 2013):
HI
Yeah t can be quite frustrating when you see guys treating women like meat and they seem to respond to it. These type of women usually are self concious and lack self esteem. You seem like one of the good guys and have morals, which is a rare jem these days. Don't ever change for anyone. I do feel you need to get back on the dating sceen, because you can get into a hole which ends up deeper to get out of and get set in your ways. The good thing is your still young and have time enough to get things back on track. Have you thought about speed dating?
Find upcoming London events: | SpeedDater - London Speed ...www.speeddater.co.uk/cities/london
it's fun, gets you out and back into the dating game, and you could find a great woman to spend your life with. Some people wont agree, but think of it this way, when ou meet someone for the first time ever your strangers right? so why not do it in a controlled enviroment, you don't have to speak too long to anyone who don't suit your needs, and when you do see a girl that hits you like never before you can continue the conversastion else where :)..Don't be shy, and don't sit and think what if!!!!! just do it and enjoy yourself.
Mandy x
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