A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So a guy I've known for several years recently contacted me and we started talking a lot. He's from a different state. He asked me out and told me he thought i was cute for the longest time and every time we talk, he would say that randomly. I think it's cute but I feel like it's more of a physical attraction because he's into creating music and I'm more of a school-oriented person (only 18 here and he's 19). We don't have much in common I guess. He just really likes my way of teasing him and he teases me back a lot. And the majority of times we video chat, he's always playing a game or watching a movie so we hardly talk. He'll IM me about being quiet at times so that's a plus I guess. He also smokes cigarettes (trying to quit) and weed. I don't want to be a controlling gf but I really don't want him to do all that especially this early into the relationship. He's coming down to visit in a few weeks and I'm really excited for that. But at the moment, I feel like our relationship probably won't work out. I don't want to tell him about it because it makes me seem like I'm a total downer and not making any efforts. He told me that if others can pull off long distance relationships, so can he, and I really admire his confidence. Am I worrying too much about how our relationship is going? Also, how often should I expect to talk to him? We've been talking every night but is that too much/too little/normal? Sorry, first LDR here so I don't know what to expect or how I should behave.Thanks!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Ah the "joys" of an LDR...
Let's start with the fact that you are not seeing much hope for this relationship based on lack of common interests and life style issues.... what would you do if you guys were local?
See, LDRs are sort of in a bubble until you can start spending a lot of time together.
how far apart are you guys? A couple of drive hours is workable as long as there is transportation and effort.
How often you talk/see each other is totally up to the two of you.... there is no such thing as too little or too much as long as you are both happy about it....
I have one friend who talks on skype to her BF every night and they see each other 3 weekends out of every month...
My bf and I talk every day on the phone... usually more than once... often 2 or 3 times a day.... (sometimes just for a couple of minutes) we email daily and text as well. We also skype 1-4 times a week but that's not a regularly scheduled thing... AND we see each other pretty much every weekend for 3 nights... (friday-sunday nights most weekends) although we are working on being together full time by the end of the year.
IF i didn't talk to him every day I'd be crazed. IF HE went a few days without me he'd be fine... BUT he accepts that I need more contact when we are apart...so we go for MY comfort level...
IF you are concerned that it's purely a physical attraction (and after all most relationships that start have some basis in a physical attraction) then perhaps you can set the first few meetings up to be casual and non-sexual and hopefully not too long and intense... my first visits to my BF were overnights but not long... and not sexual... under a 24 hour stay... over the last 7 months we have built up to spending more time together than apart.
LDRs can work but both parties have to be committed to making it work, there needs to be trust, honesty, and communication... there also has to be a plan to END the LDR once yo know it's a serious thing...
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