A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone and thanks in advance for the help....I am a 36 yr old male and my wife of 12 years (been married 12-together 17) is also 36. We have two kids and up until last week i thought a very good realationship. Here is my situation.I came home last thursday and was expecting a call so i thumbed through the caller ID. I found a number on the ID from California (we live in NJ) and a call that lasted 1:30min. So i was naturally interested who called my home and was on the phone for an hour. I asked my wife who it was. She stated it was a friend of her (lets call him John) from HS. Now, my wife did not know but i actually knew John and Knew that he was a ex lover of my wife in HS. My wife never offered this information but confirmed it when i brought it up. We began to discuss this and i was upset that she was talking to him after all these years. Through several hours of discussion she confirmed that he brought up thier sexual past by saying something to the effect of "hey you remember when we hooked up"...She said she quickly changed the subject. I was so bothered by this and i had a feeling that she wasn't telling me the whole truth. SO, the next day i had one of my IT people walk me through how to retreive chat text off the computers hard drive. Here is what i found. They conversation starts very casual, he then brings up hooking up and the fact that nobody knew, she says, "can i keep a secret of what"....then they discuss some other items.....a few minutes later he says we ha some great time together , she says "Yes we Did!" the he says "you were a naughty little girl" she replies "please i was a good girl, until you, so i blame you" he then says "remember when we used to have sex in your parents bathroom" she says "OMG! you have no shame", he says "u gotta own it" and she says "oh i remember, just makes me feel old" then they go on to discuss other topics. At the end they exchange phone numbers and he calls her and the above call i spoke about happens. Over the previous week she has admitted to having the semi sexual conversation, thought she doesn't get anywhre near the detail above, she says she changed the topic which based on the she didn't do until responding to him. SHe says the conversation came up on the phone thats why she didn't have a problem gettting on the phone after the IM chat (clearly not the case)...she has aploligized over and over, she has restated her love for me over and over, she has promised never to speak to him again, she has said they where nothing more then a fling and what she has with me is total different. So here is thing.....I am so angry and hurt with this i am struggling to get over it. I almost feel like she cheated on me even though she hasn't been with this guy for 20 years. They have not spoken again since the first time (based on phone records and computer records) So my quesiton is.......am i over reacting ? is it ok for a married women to have that type of converation. I am very confused, your comments are appreciated.
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cheated on me, sexual past, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your thoughtful responses, they have helped a great deal
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): You are not over reacting. I am just glad you nipped this in the (bud) beginning. Good for you, you halted/stopped any more conversations. I am glad you took the initiative and took care of your marriage and happiness. I wish more spouses were like you. you saw a potential threat and you eliminated it.All it takes sometimes is one "harmless" phonecall.........
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 In these modern times of technology it's very easy to fall into these traps. There are lots of possibilities, especially with people searching others out on the Internet. this situation could have unfolded in many ways.
Lets assume she is minding her business and this guys looks her up on the Internet. He makes contact, starts off easy and then starts pushing things. She accepted his contact because it seemed innocent. He was far away and he contacted her. It's not as though she was sitting around thinking about him. At this point she feels as though she's done nothing wrong. She also feels your relationship is strong and uses this to justify the fact she talked to him. She tells herself since your marriage is strong and such a big part of her life, this other guy means nothing.
The truth is this, the other guy was a part of her life. He does have a certain spot in her memory. Although she doesn't dwell on these thoughts, they are somewhere in the back of her head. I'm sure you have some of your own. I'd bet that while she may have felt some flattery and surprise when this guy contacted her, she was equally surprised about him bringing up their sexual past. And when he was BOLD enough to bring it up, I'm sure she was a little surprised by his mention of it.
This brings up how she handled it. Sometimes when we're surprised we blurt out thoughtless replies. We say the first thing that comes to our mind. What were her options when he brought up the sex? She could have ended the phone call, allowed it to continue or change the subject. Often people are programmed to be polite, even when others are out of line. There are even TV shows with hidden cameras where they see how far people can be pushed. Some people are rigid and put people in their place right away. Some people are more flexible and take more abuse before they resist. So if you combine the fact your wife may have been a little flattered knowing this guy took the time to look her up and combine that with the fact he shocked her by bringing up sex, it may help you to understand the details of what happened.
This is what I've learned in my 23 years of marriage. After many years we become a little complacent in our marriages. We lose a little of the spark we had in our youth. Outside forces sometimes enter our lives and rekindle that spark. It makes us feel good, brings back out youth and helps validate us. If someone finds himself in a weak point of their marriage, this can be dangerous. Most people see it as a nice memory and it puts a smile on their face. As a spouse, we just hope that what we offer today is better than what they had in the past. That is all we can do because the past can not be changed.
I know what you wished had happened. You probably wish he never called. You wish when he brought up sex in the
IM conversation she had seen that as a red flag. You wish that at that moment she had made a choice that this type of conversation from a man outside of your marriage was off base. You wish she had told him he had no business bringing that type of topic up. You also wish that after he had brought it up, she had not had the phone conversation. All I can say is she probably meant no harm. The time,distance and her love for you probably allowed her to believe that she wouldn't choose to hurt you. She was surprised that he contacted her and that threw her off balance. You have to hope that if he had pushed her farther that she would have put the brakes on the conversation.
Remember that most of us are too nice to be rude to people, even when they are out of line. Most of us need to be pushed more than once before we react. You are hurt because she allowed another man to talk to her in a way that is sexual. That is understandable. What would you do if an old girlfriend talked to yo that way? You'd probably just laugh and feel flattered about it. You'd probably think that since you were not fishing for it that you did nothing wrong.
I know how you feel. You probably feel that you were violated as a man. You feel that when this guy started talking to your wife that she should have had her guard up. the problem is that she was not prepared for his comments. She was comfortable in her marriage with you. That doesn't mean she has no memories though. Although your wife was not fishing for this guy, he found her. Be happy that they were miles apart. What he did was wrong and perhaps her response was not as strong as you'd like. It can not be changed now. We all have feelings that we keep inside. We are only human. Work to make you marriage as strong as possible so no one else can compare to you. I don't mean to be controlling either. Just make the marriage a place where she would never want to leave.
Any thoughts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much everyone, such thoughtful responses are very much appreciated
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): if i was ur wife and i found out u tracked my call i'd go nuts. u clearly don't trust her. so what.. she spoke to her ex? she didn't do anything wrong, she didn't allow him to continue a sexual conversation
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): You are not overreacting. You are just being you.
Your wife's behavior was apparently inappropriate for YOUR relationship. You both felt it wrong.
Sure, you will need to forgive her, but the fact is, any intelligent person forgives something when they know it will NEVER happen again. But you don't know that. She effectively hid then lied about her sexual dialogue with another guy. So you now have a question mark in the back of your mind every day when you leave her alone with the telephone and computer. This is normal.
How to take care of you? Even after she apologized, and committed to never doing that, you're still hurting, so you need to do something. Try fully explaining your feelings to her: damaged trust for her words and actions, hurt from discovering she's not the loyal girl you thought, etc. Then, you have two choices: let it go, or hold onto it. If you let it go, forgive her, think nothing of it, and choose to believe her and believe she owes you nothing. If you hold onto it, you'll continue in this frustration and have a life of mistrust. Either direction, own up to your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): I disagree with the other responses...I think that you should be concerned. Recently I contacted a former HS boyfriend on Facebook. We started out communicating as "friends" and found that we have both married (me for 10 years and him for 5 years), both have children, businesses, etc.. Three months have passed. Our conversations are now more personal/intimate. We share many details of our marriages with each other. We both still have feelings for each other and they seem to get stronger every day. We also live a great distance apart (1200 miles) so nothing physical has happened. I never believed in cheating on a spouse. I never have cheated. But I can honestly say that I am falling in love with my ex all over again and he seems to be also. So, where does this leave our spouses?? I know I am not a good person for this...but honest answer is I love my ex more. So are you over-reacting?? NOT AT ALL.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): You are totally over-reacting. I don't believe in lying as a general rule, BUT - if a situation arises such as this one, where you know you didn't do anything wrong but someone might think you did if the whole truth were known, then yeah, I might bend the truth a bit to keep the peace. That is just what she did, so cut her a little slack. She was just trying to avoid making you jealous over nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): want to know for sure, get webwatcher. be carefull, you may find what you are looking for. if it happened once (chating it up with ex)who is to say it wont happen again the next time she feels she isnt getting enough attention.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Hey,
I agree with the other posters, I do think that you overreacting a little bit. I'm not saying that hearing that conversation between my fella and an ex wouldn't get me gritting my teeth and calling the ex a slew of obscenities, so I do feel your pain. However, I think that in the end, your wife handling things very cooly. I mean, she wasn't curt with him, no, but she didn't egg him on or anything. She regarded the fact that it was a long time ago "you make me feel old", and changes subjects. That's the touch of a classy lady.
I think you need to swallow some of that male pride and jealousy and just appreciate that you've got a great wife who loves you a lot and doesn't appear to want to relive her teenage memories. She said she's sorry! Accept it and let her off the hook, and most of all - really learn to truly trust her with all of your heart.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (14 March 2009):
 It sounds to me like she handled the phone call just fine. He kept bringing it up, and she said "I don't want to remember. It makes me feel old." That is shutting him down. She wasn't heavy-handed, but she said nothing improper, and she didn't encourage him.
Does she know you spied on her? If I were her, I'd feel totally violated. So it seems to me each of you has done something that hurt the other.
The woman has promised not to call him or talk to him anymore. That's the best you can get in this situation. Now move on, or there really will be some problems in your marriage!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): In my opinion, although I understand what you are feeling, I do think you are over reacting a bit. It would have been more comforting if somewhere in her conversation with him she said "well, I am happily married now." I think it is normal to reminice with an old friend. I don't feel you should feel any sort of threat from him. I also don't think this should cause trust issues. Your wife has known you for a very long time. She knew how you would react to her telling you the whole truth of the conversation. Put yourself in her situation. If an old girlfriend contacted you, and began a stroll down memory lane, you would be flattered and surprised and caught up in the moment too.
I would believe your wife when she says she loves you, she is sorry, and she will never talk to him again!
Everyone deserves a second chance!
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