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Naked women...

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Question - (11 December 2010) 20 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2010)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I've been in a happy marriage for over twenty years. I've always known my husband has looked at some naked women pictures when years ago someone handed him a book and now with the internet, he receives emails w/jokes w/naked women, some of the emails are a slide show of naked women. These emails are coming from a good friend of his and his brother. My husband and me get a long really well, but this issue is makes me feel uncomfortable. People tell me that this is normal that 90% of guys look at naked women in some form or another. He has not been on porn sites. I know I'm being insecure with this issue but I don't know how to deal with it.

View related questions: insecure, porn, the internet

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010):

I probably read into your question too much here as I went on a rant about my past experiences after reading some of the comments.. If your husband is only recieving emails I wouldn't worry too much about it, i'd say you have a good man if he doesn't use porn :) Good for you, and yes I agree that you do have exclusive rights over your husbands penis!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010):

I just wanted to weigh in on the porn argument here, although it's slightly off the topic of the OP's question I found some of the points below quite interesting. I have to say I agree with Cerberus's point of view, he's right most women do get off on romantic images of hot guys in films, and they probably do it in a more emotional way than a guy looking at porn would as it's more about the appeal of the character than simply the visual.

My personal problem with porn is not my guy looking at images of hot women but rather the acts depicted in those images...Anal sex, gang bangs,guys coming all over the girl's face, and worse. A lot of the acts in porn are much more extreme than the average couple probably indulges in and I do believe that porn can give men unrealistic expectations of what women like and are prepared to do in bed, particularly if they have been viewing it from when they were a young teenager without any experience of real women. For me that is where the insecurity and worry about porn comes from, not the looking at other naked women (even if I'm completely happy in a relationship I notice hot guys sometimes) but the thought that porn shows him things I may not be prepared to do and that this will lead him to become dissatisfied with our sex life. It's why for me I am fine with him watching, and myself watching 'ordinary' sex between a consenting couple, but anything else does make me feel a little uncomfortable. Just my thoughts on the subject, even if it is a little off topic!

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (12 December 2010):

Danielepew agony auntSome people missed the point. Yes, he is looking at the porn in the e-mail messages, but he does not seem to be actively looking for it. If he did, he could rightfully claim that his wife doesn't mind, since she gave him a book for that.

Fortunately the poster was very clear about what her point was.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010):

I do get exclusive rights over my husband's penis. I married it.

Go for it. It's all a man can do to keep it in line so if a woman thinks she can do better than us, we need all the help we can get.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Wow, did I get a lot of responses which made for very interesting reading. I think there are a lot more people out there have more serious issues than me.

My concern was only that my husband received some emails from a couple of people and once in a while slides shows. At no time, have I ever thought that he used the pictures to 'get off' or enhance his sexual desire. Hell, if he's doesn't get sexually stimulated from me, then we need to rethink our marriage.

At no time, have I felt like my husband has treated me different or wish he was with someone else or picture someone else when he's with me. I just flat out don't like the idea of him receiving emails of naked women. No matter the circumstance. Of course, he can't and I can't control who sends him what.

I feel like I'm defending my husband now after hearing outrageous remarks about guys using porn for personal reasons. If my husband did that, there's no question we would be history.

By the way Cerberus, I do get exclusive rights over my husband's penis. I married it. I went into a marriage knowing what he did and didn't do. If that were to deviate in such a drastic way, then yeah, I have every right to get pissed off just as my husband would if all of sudden I started using a cucumber. Not the norm for us.

Of course, I don't drool over some guy on TV either. Never have. Human flesh is much better.

I appreciated everyone's responses even the ones I don't agree with. Those made me realize how lucky I am.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

It seems to me there's a huge difference between watching porn videos of two (or more) people engaging in sex, and looking at a few photos of naked women that are attached to an email.

Granted, the man has to choose to click on the email to see the photos, but the original question stated that he's not out on the internet looking for photos (or videos) so he can spank it.

Some of the people posting answers appear to have in mind situations from their own past that are much different than the one described by the person who asked the original question.

I get quite a few emails with photos of naked women. I tend to glance at them, but I forget about it within 30 seconds. I don't think I've ever masterbated looking at that type of photo, or thinking about a woman I saw in a photo like that. For me, the women in the photos provide only the slightest turn on, if anything at all.

What if a woman with a nice body wearing revealing clothing walks by? Is it reasonable to expect a man not to notice in any way, shape, or form? Perhaps it would be a problem if the guy keeps thinking about the woman, fantasizing about her, etc. and decides his wife or girfriend doesn't measure up.

Unless there is a very large number of these emails, and the emails are very sexually explicit (e.g. women performing sex acts) I highly doubt your husband gives the photos much thought.

Having said that, I'm somewhat insecure myself, so I can relate to the person who posted the question. Even if someone is exceptionally insecure about a particular issue, at the end of the day it doesn't help much if the other partner simply says "You're being ridiculously insecure, go float a brick!"

To my mind, it's not entirely reasonable to expect to find someone who doesn't have any insecurities or other "qwhatsoever

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Cerberus, so are you saying you've used porn for your entire adult life? Or suggesting that that is normal or okay? If so, that is very sad. I have personally never owned a vibrator, as I do not need one, although I know some women that do need penetration to orgasm, without a vibrator how on earth would thjose women masterbate?! I'm sorry, but a man getting jeleous over a vibrator is fair enough, but it's not the womans fault her genitals are inside her body unlike men's genitals which are easy access!! Do you not understand this?

And just to let you know because you clearly allready don't, yes, some women, a LOT of women, CAN only orgasm through penetration, do you not understand our bodies are designed differently to yours that's like saying " Can't you only orgasm by rubbing your balls?!" Be realistic here.

Vibrators also are not all 8 inches long, they come at regular sizes, and that's not what I was getting at. And if I did use a vibrator, and my man got jeleous, upset, low self esteem, depression, like the effects of porn have on women.. would I stop? OF COURSE! Because in a relationship, when truely in love, love is selfless, and you put your partners well being before a silly little habbit.

You are very naive and very self absorbed and selfish if you think that the problem lies with the woman, I feel sorry for women that end up with men that have that attitude. I had councilling for months because a bad ex of mine also made me feel like I was going mad, like it was my problem, when in fact, I was told it was the other way round. A professional therapist told me that men that HAD to use porn to masterbate, were deeply unhealthy, sad and usually lonely men, and that he didn't know how I'd put up with it for so long!

So you're very wrong. If you look at porn once in a while, but don't use it every time you masterate, then that's by all means okay.

So if you're saying that you seriously wouldn't do this for the one you love, then I think you are too selfish and immature to be in a loving relationship. And if porn means that much to you that you would only comprimise that your girlfriend never found it, then I think your porn habbit is infact an unhealthy addiction. Which is your problem.

I think it's discusting that you openly suggest you wank to your girlfriends sister, maybe you need more advice than the lady asking this question :s

As for fantasies, yes of course, we all, or most of us have them, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you never, or only rarely think of your partner during sexual thoughts, I've seen and spoken to various proffesionals, and that's not 'normal.'

Also having this attitude is unpleasant. My current partner only uses porn every once in a while. I know this, and I love him very much for respecting me. After a horrible past relationship I was paranoid. So when I got involved with my current partner, I sadly installed spyware on our computer. Of course I snapped out of that nonsence when I realised he was healthy and normal and didn't have an addiction. And my lesson learnt was not to sweep all men with the same brush. We both have fantasies and we dress up for eachother and take sexy photographs.

To the lady who posted this question, please don't let someone make you feel bad like this. There are lots of selfish men out there, and also lots of good ones. It shouldn't be a big deal for your man to cut down or stop his porn use, if it is, then he's not good enough for you, and that's his problem, not yours, and don't let anyone ever tell you different :)

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A male reader, steph007 Hungary +, writes (11 December 2010):

Ask him to show you that e-mails and laugh with him on them. Or; you may look for a similar friend who will send you funny e-mails with guys' pictures. NOT ONLY men can laugh at good jokes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

I don't own a vibrator and do not masturbate over other men, so when speaking on behalf of ALL WOMEN make sure you've spoken to all of us first...

I played the field before getting married so I don't have any unresolved curiosities over men. I've dated the tall dark stranger and cast him aside, I dated the stockbroker and cast him aside, I dated the intellectuals, the playboys... you name it. They were what they were. I married my husband... the pick of the litter... he was my choice. He was my mate.

Therefore, I don't shop my sexuality. It is the same as cheating in my book.

I don't care... the bottom line is that you are engaging the idea of another person and simulating sex... You've done it in your heart and in your mind... at that point the body is merely secondary.

I guess the difference here lies in the fantasy world.... I'm not much of a fantasizer, I don't need to escape my sexual partner on a mental vacation from him. I do wonder about those who do.

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A female reader, TheHuggleBear United Kingdom +, writes (11 December 2010):

TheHuggleBear agony auntCerberus I kind of agree with you, but I can understand why this woman is insecure about it.

Girls; don't even pretend we don't masturbate over actors or tall dark strangers; because we do. Even when we're in relationships -- it's just natural for us to do that! I think the difference is that we do it from images in our heads -- which our men don't see -- whilst maybe men need the visual in front of them. I know perfectly well that my boyfriend masturbates over other women sometimes; just as he knows I masturbate over Johnny Depp and other men.

I think that you need to reason with yourself; you must do it to, you just don't keep the pictures on a hard-drive (unless you do, but I doubt it). It gives us some variety -- but makes our partners that bit more interesting when we go back to them.

If he starts thinking about them whilst you're having sex; then there's a problem. But while it's just a 5 minute thought process for a quick release I don't see an issue.

"My girlfriend actually sends me pics like that, she photoshops my head onto some of them too."

By the way Cerberus; I'm gonna start doing that to my boyfriend, thanks! =P

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Exactly my point.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-vibrator-made-me-feel-inadequate.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Vibrator = Masturbation tool, Porn = Masturbation tool.

How hard is that to understand? Are you seriously telling me there is no possible way that a man with a 5 inch penis might get a little insecure or jealous about their girlfriend using an 8 inch vibrator? Really? So if your man did get jealous and ask you to never use a vibrator ever again would you stop? Even if you've used it your entire adult life and you find it takes longer and more effort to do it without one?

You see to us guys porn is the same as using a vibrator to get off because it's just a tool. You see a naked woman we see a mound of flesh.

Are you also telling me that women can't masturbate without a vibrator? Or are you telling me it's quicker and more efficient to do so and yields the best results, well OMG that's what porn does too! :o

At the end of the day though it's down to personal choice and insecurity, if you want to compare yourself to a porn star and get jealous of something that means nothing to guys then that's your issue to deal with. I've never had a problem with porn nor ever dated a girl that had a problem with my porn usage. It's never effected my sex life and I don't blatantly use it in front of women or leave tracks for them to follow.

The only compromise I would make is to make sure they never knew when I used it nor ever found any evidence of my usage which is incredibly easy.

FYI: We men fantasize about more women than just our girlfriend when we masturbate. I love my girlfriend but we guys need variety in our fantasies. So I'm not going to wank to images of only her for the rest of my life. Most men are the same. If we can't use some nameless faceless girl in a porn movie then we'll just use our imaginations and think about your sister, or that hot girl we work with or the woman that works in the shop around the corner. It;s healthy, normal and it serves a purpose.

You don't get exclusive rights to our penis and it's functions when we commit to you, we always maintain those rights and set up a partial agreement with you that you're the only other person than ourselves that is allowed to pleasure it. But first and foremost our sexual gratification is our own. It doesn't belong to you and as long as we satisfy all reasonable conditions of our mutual sexual agreement then we get to do what we want with it. We can stick it in a melon if we want. (okay that's just weir but you get the point)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Cerebus, a vibrator is NOT the eqivilent of men looking at naked women! Please tell me where on earth you got this one from? Men can easily access their penis with their own hand, because it's outside of your body! Women cannot do this, a finger isn't big enough, so some use a vibrator, which is the only way some women can orgasm, how would men be any more jelous of a woman using a plastic cock as opposed to a man using his hand?

The eqivilent of men looking at naked women is women looking at naked men. The equivilent of a vibrator is a vagina mold or a blow up doll. As for the pornstar women, fake boobs, fake tans, and all the rest of it, are a pretty modern concept. This image has not been on earth since day one, nor is it normal to be attracted to such women. A lot of men are repulsed by pornstars.

If a man looks at the odd naked women here and there fair enough. If a man NEEDS to look at these kinds of women to masturbate then there is something wrong and it's unhealthy. A man should also be sexually aroused by a picture of his girlfriend, or at least use the thought of her. You say that women look at the romantic men in movies and expect that etc, but the media is constantly pumping out images of horrible false women that men drool over it is NOT healthy. Women have much much much more pressure on them than men to. It's everywhere we turn.

Also, men are very influenced by the silly Hollywood movies portraying men as a certain sterotype, and women as a certain stereotype.

All I can say is, I've had the porn issue myself in the past, like most other women have had at some point in their lives. I felt ashamed, dirty, worthless, depressed, and I became ill for a year. I saw a counciler and he saved me from this. He told me how many women are ruined by their partners use of porn, and he told me a lot of interesting statistics. And trust me, not as many men use porn on a regular basis, not as many as you think.

My advice is, porn is not neccaserry, it is selfish, if your partner won't give it up or cut down dramatically, he does not care enough about you. Don't try and adjust your mentality to suit your partners selfish habbit, it is HIM that should be doing this for you, if he can't, then that's his problem and you do not have to deal with it or try to understand when 'men do it.' It's down to you to put a stop to it.

I know some very sad men, who don't have girlfriends, never have been able to hold them down, and they're approaching 40. These men all sit at home, watch porn, when they're not watching porn, they're talking about fit celebrity women.. all I can say is, Oh dear.

No matter what your man says, "there's no emotion to the pornstar women.." So what, why on earth are you upseting and damaging your partners self esteem and well being for images? That's what the men need to ask themselves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

I might get shot down for this but you have to understand the women in those pictures are objects not women. I know, we're not supposed to objectify women but when they're porn stars etc we do that's what they're paid for. They have less emotional worth to us guys than traffic lights. Traffic lights turn red to tell us to stop, pictures of naked women joke emails make us laugh. The same as a picture of a cat in a funny pose with writing underneath does. Doesn't mean we want to go out and buy another cat, or that the cat in the picture is better than our cat.

Even in porn we're looking at an object, it serves as a quick tool to arouse our physical senses, quickly, efficiently so we can release and get on with our day. the same thing a vibrator does for a woman, but we guys don't get jealous that our lovers are using a penis shaped object to pleasure themselves, doing things our penis never could.

It's like using a leaf blower instead of a rake to remove leaves from our garden, quick and efficient nothing else.

Women don't get that, because when they see a handsome man in a romantic movie it stirs their emotions, they feel an emotional connection, they lust after what that guy represents emotionally, we guys aren't wired that way. Even women see a guy on the beach that just happens to be very attractive to them they will look and admire his hotness too. It's the same thing but if you're happy and in love already then you never think anything more of that guy you saw. Although it wouldn't be unhealthy if he popped into your head later that evening as a minor memory. Or she mentioned seeing him to a friend on the phone.

We don't watch movies of women sweet talking men and being romantic on an emotional level to get off, we look at naked female shaped objects. They're not real to us, only sick twisted lonely weird guys invest any kind of emotion into porn stars or pictures of naked women.

There is simply just a huge double standard, my girlfriend sees what I mean and admitted it. She doesn't mind porn at all the same as I don't mind her swooning over johnny depp. You see women see other men and judge their attractiveness too. Some women in long term healthy relationships will picture other guys the odd time when they masturbate, because it's harmless fantasy. But it's okay for women to have an emotional connection and lust for a romantic character in a movie whereas it's not okay for a guy to look at an emotionless mass of female shaped flesh writhe around for 2 minutes to stimulate a signal in our brain that makes us horny to get off quicker.

OP you're insecure about nothing, those women are nothing, they don't exist just like Jack in the titanic doesn't. The thing is these girls aren't even fantasy for your husband they're a 3 second look, haha, respond to email. Close.

You're feeling insecure about about a few kilobytes of digital data. Strung together to create and image of a naked woman.

My girlfriend actually sends me pics like that, she photoshops my head onto some of them too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

My boyfriend looks at porn all the time online. It drives me absolutely crazy. It makes me feel I'm not good enough for him. But then again I blame it on our age difference. he is 18 and I am 32.

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A female reader, smiliek Australia +, writes (11 December 2010):

smiliek agony auntIs your sex life good? Does he ever make inappropriate comments concerning them or you? Guys do look at women, no matter what age. It doesnt mean he loves you any less or views you as not attractive. He chose you over everyone else because of many reasons, one being that to him you are attractive. We all suffer from insecurites. I have been through this with my hubby too. But at the end of the day we have a great relationship and him sometimes viewing pictures etc doesnt change that. You could talk to your hubby, ask him to give you what you need to get rid of your fears. He sounds very respectful if he doesnt look at porn. Best wishes

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A female reader, charliesdevil73 United States +, writes (11 December 2010):

charliesdevil73 agony auntIt is very hard to deal with for some women, myself being one of them. I learned to deal with porn, and honestly I am still not 100% ok with it (7 months now since I found out about it). It does make women feel uncomfortable to know their men are looking at other women in a sexual way. It mad me feel extremely insecure. I eventually talked with my fiance about my thoughts and feelings. Have you tried that?

One thing my fiance asked me was "Have I changed? Do I treat you any differently? Does it seem like I love you any less?" The answer to all the questions were no. Think about that in your situation. I also started looking at the questions posted on here about pornography. Seeing other men (and even women) respond in a good way made me feel better.

Good luck. It will take time to feel less insecure, but it goes away.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (11 December 2010):

Danielepew agony auntHe's receiving pictures of naked women from his buddies because that's what buddies do. I wonder how many men who have an e-mail address have never received such pictures from someone. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this is something like "See this chick", and that's it. No one intends the recipient to get seriously interested on the e-mail. Married buddies do this with their married buddies, too.

So do women. Maybe not every woman has received this kind of chain mail, but I bet many if not most have, and many if not most do look at that.

If your husband isn't taking this any further, maybe you're just insecure.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Its not 'normal' for an adult man, porn is a teenage habbit, but should be grown out of. Healthy men appreciate real women and dont need to look at fake porn women. It's became more acceptable since every home has internet access. You have the right to rule porn out of your relationship, if he loves you this wont be a problem. You're not being insecure, this issue effects most women at some point

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

Everyone's opinions on porn are different. If it makes you feel insecure to the point where you are very depressed, you should ask him to lessen the habit. Most guys don't consider porn cheating, however, so you'll have to try to be understanding if he thinks you're out of line. Viewing it is usually a casual thing they'd not want to be without... and probably wouldn't change for any girl.

It's not their life! It's just a little pleasure. The important thing here is that he seems to be being honest with you about it... were he going on porn sites and lying about it, then you would have a real problem.

It's important to try and stay non- jealous of the women he is looking at... they may be physically ideal to him, but he loves you. Being attracted to impressive female forms does not mean they turn him on more than you can.

-Tante Victoire

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