A
male
age
51-59,
*hymexycpl
writes:I have a little problem, my wife is a hard working woman and does alot for our household but for the past few months she has been dead in the bed if you know what I mean. I have tried many things to bring our sex life back into action but shes always tired or not in the mood. I cook, clean, handle the kids and do my part to keep her happy but I need attention in the bedroom and more of the times shes not into it. she will rather masterbate me to shut me up and make me go to sleep but thats not what I want. I like that and all but I want to feel her too and make her cum like me. I dont understand why she dont want the full sex treatment from me but it makes me feel like I am not good enough or not desireable like I once was. she is in her mid 40's and says her body has changed and menapause is kicking in should I buy that crap or think she is done with me. I love her very much but I need more sex in my life please help me...
View related questions:
in the mood, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): Here is what I think. She is using menopause as an excuse. Question, Has she always been this frigid or is this recent? Any chance she's getting it from someone else? Are you still attractive to her? How do you think you look? Sometimes we let ourselves go & that could be a problem. Not saying this is the case but it does happen to all of us, especially as we age. So if we rule these things out there is another thought. Control/power. Is it possible that your dynamic in the relationship is the aggressor, the more dominant one & she the more laid back? Possible she wants the roles to reverse? Has she ever used words like "control freak, type A" to insult you? I know a lot about this b/c this is happening to me in my marriage. The spouse who isn't DTF doesn't realize how humiliated we feel, how upsetting this is to us. Another problem is that the spouse who isn't putting out sees you as just wanting to get off. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sex for married people = connection, an intimate demonstration of your love. Something special that can't be shared w/ anyone else. Sex isn't a chore, it's supposed to be the best part of marriage. I mean why the Hell do we all get married if we can't get some whenever we want? I wish you luck but honestly its a hopeless cause for me. My husband already told me he just doesn't have the sex drive I do, doesn't want sex as much & can't change who he is.( I say he WON"T change. Can't? Please..) This is as good as it gets. Me initiating 95% of the time, him sometimes going along w/, other times rejecting me. It SO hurtful. I know I am still attractive and am confident in my sexuality. That is always threatening to a man so my situation is hopeless. I hope yours will improve.
A
male
reader, shymexycpl +, writes (13 November 2012):
shymexycpl is verified as being by the original poster of the question I never thought of it that way but you make sense it could happen. But the way I see my wife bitching and complaining I wouldnt wish this on any man. I tolerate it and deal with it in my own way by self gratification and pamper myself cuz she couldnt or wouldnt do her part. and Im the jerk like always...
...............................
A
male
reader, livingdead +, writes (10 November 2012):
I myself just recently went thru the same issue. My sex life with my wife has been going down hill for years. So like any typical man u try to accept it. I tried spicing up things, taking her out, i would do spontaneous things like bring flowers. Or just take her shopping , and do things she liked. I got a maid to help out around the house (just so u know my wife doesn't work). I tried everything she said was getting in the way of our sex life. Nothing seemed to work. She started telling me that she should go see the doctor to see if that could help. So I backed off the trying to turn on the sex life. I felt bad cuz I was stressing out about not having sex I felt selfish. Well soon to find out she had been sleeping with a younger guy 10 years to b exact. Seeing him on a average of once a week. I can't began to explain what thay did to me. Knowing this other guy was enjoying me wife once a week when was in torment dealing with the fact I had no sex life with my wife. Iam not telling u that your wife is cheating on u. But just be carful cuz , I didn't see that coming. Iam still with her and I don't know if she has ended it with him but I still have no sex life.
...............................
A
male
reader, livingdead +, writes (10 November 2012):
I myself just recently went thru the same issue. My sex life with my wife has been going down hill for years. So like any typical man u try to accept it. I tried spicing up things, taking her out, i would do spontaneous things like bring flowers. Or just take her shopping , and do things she liked. I got a maid to help out around the house (just so u know my wife doesn't work). I tried everything she said was getting in the way of our sex life. Nothing seemed to work. She started telling me that she should go see the doctor to see if that could help. So I backed off the trying to turn on the sex life. I felt bad cuz I was stressing out about not having sex I felt selfish. Well soon to find out she had been sleeping with a younger guy 10 years to b exact. Seeing him on a average of once a week. I can't began to explain what thay did to me. Knowing this other guy was enjoying me wife once a week when was in torment dealing with the fact I had no sex life with my wife. Iam not telling u that your wife is cheating on u. But just be carful cuz , I didn't see that coming. Iam still with her and I don't know if she has ended it with him but I still have no sex life.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Hi
Yes men do need pampering and appreciating too, I agree totally.
Its just something you two will have to work on TOGETHER.
We all need affection and a cuddle as well as sex,you want it with your wife.Not asking alot,no.So talk,in a rational way and see if you two can't solve the issue.
...............................
A
male
reader, shymexycpl +, writes (10 November 2012):
shymexycpl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! Thanks alot everyone maby I was being a self centered jerk but thats how I just feel. I dont want to be a dick about it but come on dont we men deserve a little pampering for our good deeds or is it a double standard when it comes to feelings. I will try and think different but all I can do is try...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): OK so the only reason you want more from your wife is because it will make you feel less insecure about yourself? This problem isn't with your wife, it's with you. It's you making her responsible for your feelings of self worth. That's way too much burden to put on someone else! She can probably sense that and feels that she's only an instrument to you to keep afloat your fragile self esteem. She probably does not feel love and passion from you, but desperation and validation-seeking. That's a big turn off to intimacy.
You should learn to be comfortable in yourself first so you don't need to seek validation so desperately from her in this one particular avenue. Then you can appreciate whatever your wife is able and willing to give to you (and it sounds like she certainly does give you something just that you want 'more'). Instead of pressuring her to want something she doesn't. if you let up on the desperation, she may then find you more attractive and then naturally gravitate towards you more.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I'm 52 and in menopause (still not done but getting there) and I dog after my husband for sex... he's not interested.
Have you discussed this with your wife and her doctor? (and yes there would be no problem with you asking her if you could go to the gyn with her to discuss it)
But like Sage I have an issue with your wording...
"I have a problem" not WE have a problem
you say you have tried many things and list cooking cleaning and child care
where is the romance?
have you tried different times of the day? I'd rather have sex in the mornings on the weekends but my hubby wants it at bedtime so we rarely have sex?
are you guys still affectionate? do you kiss her hello and goodbye and goodnight? do you cuddle on the couch to watch your tv shows together?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I think your choice of language is at least as "telling" as the details given in your submittal...
To that end, I believe you are revealing yourself to be quite self-centered in your intimate times with wifey... AND, consequently, you are not allowing for the changes that are going on in her - in her body - at this point in her life....
I'd recommend that you and she have one or more chats - outside the bedroom - about what is happening in your (joint) intimate life.... and figure out how you can BOTH enjoy the sensuality/sexuality that I imagine used to be "the way it was" in your relationship and marriage.
Don't be impatient... instead, be a good hubby and lover... and I'm betting that you and she can get through this... and come out of it in better marital shape than ever....
Give it a try. Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): Menopause has nothing to do with sex drive. It's something between you two
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I think it's more tiredness than the menopause but I would try and get her to go to your doctor for a chat.. You are doing a lot of good things alike cooking and taking care the kids etc.. And you should keep that up..
I know I'm more in the mood when my hubby doesn't harp on at me about nookie every ten minutes or so or make jokes about it, when I'm not in the mood as it just puts me of for longer..
Here my tip.. Run her a bath, tell her you would just like to cuddle, and I do mean cuddle and watch the tv, you can restrain yourself, do not put pressure on her and I mean it, no pressure .. Kissing and cuddling for a few nights might just led somewhere else when she is ready..
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 November 2012):
Hi
If it is menopause then a chat with her Dr might be a good idea, she may need hormone treatment. Do not pressure her but I would suggest a visit for both your sakes.
Could be she IS just plain tired,just sees it as yet another chore? Try a bit of romance and spoiling her,get her in the mood.Sit her down massage her feet legs,shoulders,cook for her or take her out,have a weekend away, show her you appreciate her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): First of all you do not "need" sex you can always masturbate to get the physical release. If its the emotional connection you crave or the ego stroking from having someone find you physically desirable that's something else entirely and in which case the lack of sex is a symptom of something else going on so focusing on the sex itself is not likely to get you more of it.I would guess that your wife doesn't find you physically desirably anymore. A woman who finds her mate desirable will be able to feel aroused and get into the mood with himSo try to find out why she doesn't find you physically desirable. Have you gained weight? If so you should lose it. Have you become lazy with personal hygiene? Do you have gross or annoying habits?Another common reason is that she has problems with you . Are there unresolved bad feelings between you? Many women lose physical interest in their mate if they emotionally no longer feel a connection. Its not that she is intentionally with holding sex to get revenge. Rather women often genuinely feel turned off when they perceive the guy to be a jerk or a dissapointment. They don't wish to share their bodies with a jerk or a loser. So you should find out if she is harboring bad feelings towards you and this is making her find you non attractive.And one more thing is that if she is obviouslynot interested in sex with you, asking for more sex is only going to disgust and dismay her more. It becomes a chore she has to endure to make you leave her alone. So you need to ask her for honesty not for more sex.
...............................
|
