A
male
age
41-50,
gk
writes:Iv,e been married for 10 years.About six months ago it became clear that my wife had developed strong feelings for another guy,a mutual friend.They had spent some time together though I'm pretty sure nothing pysical happened.I confronted my wife and the guy and we went through some traumas as a couple.We talked a lot and have got over it to some degree.The problem is I just can't forget it.It's made worse by the fact that we for various reasons have to keep seenig the guy and his wife,which stirs it all up again.My wife is clear that it's over and was nothing to worry about,but I still feel stuck and have a lot of resentment toward her and the guy.Can anyone help?Thank you. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pinkflower +, writes (7 September 2007):
Thanks Gk, I will defintely need lots of luck on that day.The funny thing is that I am not afraid or scared anymore... I don't know. I will go there and confront this demon but I know when the day comes I will shake.As for Eddie- I sent you a private message and thanks for what you said.
A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (7 September 2007):
 Pinkflower. I have it straight, trust me. I do think you're a little bit off though. In your case, you told a man of your desire for him. He told you it will never happen he told his wife and he told your husband. That man did the honorable thing and put everything on the table. You forced him to do that when you revealed your secret. He found himself in a position that he was not comfortable with. He could no longer associate with you on the same level without feeling guilty and disrespectful, as far as his wife and your husband is concerned. That is, because he could no longer consider you"just" a friend because of the information you gave him.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you've got a bit of an obsession on a man who has tried to give you the hint he's not interested. It almost sounds like it borderlines on stalking. That is not healthy. How do you think he's going to react when you give him one more chance. I think he'll be angry.
I'm sorry to say but you call yourselves "good people" but you are acting in the opposite way. Based on the information that you provided, this sounds one sided to me. You're not treating your husband in a decent manner and you're really complicating this other man's life. It sounds like you only care about yourself.
I'm not trying to be mean but read all the things you've written here. It's all about you and what you want...despite the signals you've been receiving from the others involved. Tread lightly here, you've been treated with kids gloves so far but you're going to anger some people soon.
...............................
A
male
reader, gk +, writes (7 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi pinkflower.Thanks for that.I have a little bit of advice,which may sound a bit wierd,so if it's no help just forget about it!You mentioned that you have only one life.My belief is different,that infact we have had countless number of lives which will continue in to the future.Now if you run with that idea for a moment,what it means is that,in those lifetimes, we have formed thosands or hundreds of thousands of relationships with different people.Now, it stands to reason that in our present lives we will sometimes meet these people again.These are people that we could of had very strong feelings for,or even loved them.Not just sexual love,they could have been sisters,brothers,mothers fathers,loving friends etc.I think sometimes when we meet these people,deep within our lives,we remember our previous relationship with them and these feelings can be confusing,or misenterpreted.Maybe your husbands friend is just such a person.You obviously have a deep conection with him,but what is the true nature of that connection.We naturally asume when we sense these deep conections with members of the opposite sex that they are sexual in nature,but I believe thats not always the case.When we correctley interpret our feelings for other people it makes us happy,when we get it wrong it tends to make us suffer.By the way I am partly aswering my own question in this reply,so thanks for that oppotunity.I don't know if thats been of any help.It's my belief,it may not be yours,so forget it if it's not usefull to you.Best of luck when you meet him again.Trust your life.G.K.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinkflower +, writes (7 September 2007):
Hey Eddie- let's make things straight here. GK is not talking about his wife having attraction for someone. To feel attracted for someone is something, to develop strong fellings is something totally different.It is not because we are in love and in a relationship that we stop feeling attracted and I don't think it's wrong. We see people that pleases our eyes and we feel attracted and that is it. Tell me, how many people have you felt attracted in your life? I bet tons of times like everybody else. But how many times the attraction became something deeper? How many times you developed strong feelings for this person? I bet only a few times, right?So, THAT is what GK is talking about. Someone who is going to act just on attraction is someone who is not worthy to be in a relationship.Attraction is a normal instinct. I can't count how many guys I have felt attracted but how many of them has taken over me? JUST TWO. in 28 years of live only TWO men have stired up on me the most incredible feelings. How many times I have persued a man? JUST ONCE! And it was my husband's friend...he is the ONLY man I have persued. I did because I thought he would never tell me first, since he is so much older than me.When you feel so strong about someone the only way to get over is revelaing. I think I just was not able to let go of him yet because I have too many good memories with him and only cold words in a e-mail. I think about our moments and think about his words in the e-mail and it just doesn't macth. If he had called me, if I had heard straight from him, then I believe it would be different.By the way GK described the situation it was more than attraction, He said " Very strong feelings", what I believe if he hadn't confronted them she could have fallen in love with this other man.As for me, I never was in love with my hubby. I did try to avoid any closer relationship with my husband's friend, he even thought I didn't like him at first. And because he thought I didn't like him we got out of touch for over 2 years. Then when we got back in touch, without even realizing we grew closer, we were talking more and more, then I fell deeply in love with him with each passing day.Listen- I have known my husband's friend for 6 years and have been attrcated to him since day 1. Our close friendship lasted about 2 yeras and it during this time that I fell deeply in love with him till one day I told him. I would have NEVER, EVER told him if it was just anttraction. If he calls me tomorrow I am ready to leave everything to be with him. I don't care if he will not meet my expectations, it is not about that anyways.I don't want him to meet my exptcations, I want him because the way I feel about him I have never felt this strong about any other man in my life. It is not about what I can get from him but it's about what I can give him that I can't give my husband because I just don't feel this way about my hubby. As for meeting expectations that really doesn't mean anything when you love someone. My husband goes beyond my expectations and I'm just not in love with him. GK- I thought it was cool when you said we must confront our demons,however painfull,otherwise they end up ruling our lives and that's extaly what I will do. I can honestly say the the hope to be with him some day has been ruling my life, but not for too long anymore...Even hearing from him by e-mail that was not enough for me to believe, I never really believed what he said in his e-mail.No matter how hard or painful it will be, I need to face him one more time after he knows extaly what I feel. Then if I see in his eyes that his feelings confirms his words then this will be the end for me. This is what I most wanted...a chance to see in his face.He was spineless, instead of calling me right away and talking to me on the phone, he took 3 days to reply. Well, I don't know what it will come up from this day. I know it is very wrong by the way...but gosh...this is my ONLY life, this may the the last time I will love someone like I love him and if he feels the same I don't think we should sacrifice this just because he and my husband are best friends and he is married.If what he said in the e-mal is true, it's fine with me. I want him to be happy. I just want to see in his eyes, that's all. Then I will be able to really let go of the hope some day we may be together. Another reason I have not left my hubby is because I have nobody here really close to me, plus finances, even though my hubby said he will allways supports me financially but I don't know...the day I live I want to be able to live with my own money.To have close people to us or to our spouse involved in our love affiar is the hardest and worst thing ever. Much harder than when you have a strange.My situation is so very painful, everywhere I go there are pain and hurt, I just have to chosse the least painful.What makes even more difficult is that we all are good people, with character, values. I really know how much they care about each other and value their friendship and they have been able to work things out. I'm glad for their friendship, really.His friend knows how much he hurt my hubby when he decided to tell him but he knew if he hadn't told him, in the end he would have hurt my hubby even worse.I don't know...I still have many questions...but when I see his friend I will have all my questions answered. All what I need is a quick glance...the eyes really tell all...I think that my husband's friend just did what he did because he is a great man with values. He chose to do the right thing- he chose to be the faithful husband and the loyal friend, so he pushed me firmly away. I think he is suffocating his feelings for me in the name of doing what is right and appropriate , if that is the case, if that is true, let's see how long he will be able to continue doing the right till after we lay our eyes on ecah other he knowing exactly how I feel about him.I can't wait to see him...I can't wait to find out...If he feels the same way about me, I want him and I will have him! If he does not feel the same way, I want him to be happy with whoever he loves, then I will move on without him and be happy. By the way- I am happy. I'm not unhappy without him but if I can be even happier with the man I truly love, of course I want that.My hubby and I have gone long ways...the funny thing is that things between my hubby and me are really doing great. My husband's forgiveness and support and his love have taken our relationship to a new level, just made me grow closer to him in a way I never felt close to him. The way I feel about my husband after all those things is a way I have never felt before I revealed the truth. I feel emotionally closer to my hubby, our sex life is great but there's just something so deep in me about his friend...whatever is this thing I can only call "true love".I can't put into words , I just know is something who taken over me completely...my whole being is on him. My presence, my body is with my hubby, but my thoughts, emotions, feelings, mind, soul is in his friend...Really,just when you feel this strong about someone you can undertand what I am talking about.All I can sai that overall it's very sad...Ah by the way Gk, I never loved my husband, I married because, as you said, he is a great man and I believed in the tale that I could learn how to love my husband based upon his great qualities and virtues and all the great things he has done for me.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (6 September 2007):
There are a couple of things I'd like to add. The way to prevent or minimize the chances of this happening again is to focus on each other. This way, any connection your mate might make with another person(to be expected) will pale in comparison with what you've got as a couple. Easier said than done....
You see, the person in the position of your wife, will argue with themselves that they are doing nothing wrong because they have no bad intentions. They feel the attraction but are quite sure they can resist. They enjoy the attention but reason with themselves that it's innocent. It's only innocent when it's spontaneous and unplanned. If she's out with friends and meets a guy who she's attracted to, so what. That's life and we're wired to feel attractions. If she goes there every night to keep seeing the guy, it's no longer a chance meeting but rather, a planned event. Your wife's mistake was allowing herself to get too deep.
If she had met him and thought he was GREAT, that wouldn't make her bad. Taking a step down the slippery slope was her mistake and what harmed your relationship. When she started spending time thinking about him, she was neglecting you. That is what hurts. You feel the resentment. She knew what she felt, did not plan to cheat but couldn't resist the urge to have her feelings validated. What she didn't realize was that spending her energy in this way was in fact making you look like a chump.
Once again, I say this, it's done. She probably doesn't understand why you feel so bad about it. What people don't understand is this. All the while you were being a good man/husband. Not possessive or controlling. When you find out you should have, been it hurts. The truth is your were correct. You did act in the proper way. You gave freedom and space. She chose to abuse it. It does not make you foolish for having done the right thing. IT makes her foolish for abusing your giving nature.
This does not make her rotten. IT make sher human. We're weak and fall for flattery. You can only hope she has learned form her mistake and seen what harm has been done. I hope she shows the proper remorse.
If you'd like to talk further, send me a private reply and I'll give you some more personal information that might help.
eddie
...............................
A
male
reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that.You are right.I'll do my best to limit contact.Good luck with your situation.Your husband sounds like a great man,but you must be true to yourself.You loved him once,where did that love go.Mabey if you did get with your husbands friend,it would not live up to your expectations.We always want what we can't have,it's human nature.Anyway I believe we must confront our demons,however painfull,otherwise they end up ruling our lives.Good luck and thanks for your help.G.K.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinkflower +, writes (6 September 2007):
Dude- If you really wanto to make sure to save your marriage , TAKE THIS OTHER GUY OUT OF YOUR WAY COMPLETELY.
Really, I think you are running a risk allowing your wife see this guy from time to time. You have not respond how this friend of yours feels about your wife?
Ask yourself this:" If he were to make a move on her do you think she would say no?
Well, he just had a baby, so I don't think he would attrempt anything with your wife, but do you know his character? Is he a jerk? If he has no values you are taking a risk aloowing your wife to see this man.
How thes this man feels about your wife?
Listen- I am sure my husband's friend at the very least was attracted to me and that is why he told his wife, he made me tell my husband and told this other close friend. He wanted to craete a barrier to procted himself to get involved with me and the only way to keep him from falling into temptation with me it was doing what he did. He told everybody close to him, that way cutting the friendship with me.
Well- here are my last words for you. You love your wife, so pen your heart to forgive her. Believe on her words, it may take some time but tell yourself you want to forgive her.
And please...find another place to attend or you are going to be putting your wife at risk. It's best she sees him never again or her feelings may start again.
I don't know how close you were to this other guy. But my husband was very close to his friend, they are best friends. They both really care for ecah other and value each other's friendship.
Just like this guy, my husband's friend wasgiving me lots of atention but my husband thinks that he just had a genuine interest in getting to know me better. But well... it seems to me my husband truly believes his friend never felt anything for me and me thinking he could feel something it was just me being silly.
It must be why my husband does not care about me seeing his friend again, because my husband's friend have really convinced him that he never felt anything but friendship feelings for me only.
And my husband even hopes that some day we can all levae this behind and we can all be friends again just like we were before I told him about my feelings. But I'm pretty sure that's impossible. Because the truth is I love his friend, I have been in love with him for so long and the day he decides me to have me he will have me.
I just did not divorce my husband- first- because my husband does not want to. Second- I may not be in love with my hubby but he is a great guy. Third- we have a daughter. And fourth- I don't think I will ever love someone like this again. So if whom I love doesn't want me so I will just stay with whom loves me.
Good luck dude and I hope you stop seeing this guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eddie.
You have described my feelings and dilema exactley and helped clarify the nub of the problem.There is no vindication.So I either carry on seeking some and suffer,or let go of whats happened and move on.
I don't really actively look after this guy any more.It's just seeing him at meetings makes me wan't to punch his lights out!Don't worry,I won't do that.But it does re open the wound.I can't see a way round it in the short term.Long term we're moving to France(in a couple of years)which is hopefully far enough away!
Regarding the time they spent together.It was mainly at meetings and at social events.They were not alone,but they may as well have been,as they were always so engrossed with eachother.The guys an actor and my wife went to see his show TWICE with different friends.They spent time alone in his car on these occasions,though she swears nothing happened.She also had a drink alone with him after a meeting.I found out later that used to kiss on the lips when saying goodbye!When I confronted them together the blamed it on eachother,which was helpful!She says that he started this and that she wasn't sure what to do.I know she's a bit naive,but thats pushing it.She also used to talk about him a lot and was always inviting them round.When they did come round she usually spent the whole evening talking to him and me to hid wife,who I didn't really get on with.
Looking back on it I must have been stupid not to have spotted the signs earlier.
Thanks once again for your great advice.
G.K.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (6 September 2007):
One of the basic rules of counseling or being in charge of others is to remove your personal life from the formula. You have a conflict of interest if you're dealing with someone who is in this situation with your wife.
In your first post, you said they spent time together. What was the situation?
Your wife's theory on why she was attracted to the other man is probably quite true. The fact you keep yourself in the mix is going to make this problem fester. You see, her feelings were not an illusion. They were real. He is real and your involvement with him is real. You go from feeling good to bad because you know you were wronged. The part of you that wants to forgive takes over in moments of peace and calm. When you get frustrated over something, the other side comes out.
Since you take your role in your temple and marriage seriously, you feel cheated and made a fool of. They carried on in front of others and left you in the dark. Now, they expect you to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. Part of you wants to do that and another parts wants some sort of vindication. This is the hard part. It will never come. All you can do to find peace is accept that your wife's explanation is heart felt and true. She made a mistake. Try to relate it to a mistake you made. That may make it easier to swallow.
Do not be a martyr. If what happened is no secret, pass this person along to someone else. He violated your marriage. You're not married to him so you do not owe him the same level of respect. Let him find his guidance somewhere else.
...............................
A
male
reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.
Thanks every one for there replies,I do appreciate it.
Just to clarify a few points.Eddie,"it"refers to the feelings that my wife had for this guy,she has openly addmitted that she did have these feelings,though she denied anything was going on at first.I do take your point though.His wife does know about it though they seem to have dealt with it better than us.He has had an affair before so his wife must be very understanding,or stupid.Any way they have just had another baby.
As to why we have to keep seeing this couple.My wife and I have been practicing Buddhism for many years now.We hold local meetings and events,which I,due to my length of practice,am partly responsible for.Part of my responsibility is actually looking aftr the guy in question!Great!You can imagine how difficult this has been.But my practice and my responsibilities are something that I feel passionately about and I cannot or will not just walk away from these.I have felt humiliated at times,especially as other people,who are very suppotive I should add,know about are problems.Thisis one of my reasons for feeling resentment.Why HIM and why THERE.I suppose we don't choose who we develope feelings for.
I have been divorced already and have a 13 year old son from that marriage who I see all the time.I also have a 3 year old from this marriage, who I adore.I don't think I could I could go through another divorce.
I should say that, for the most part, my wife and I have had a great and loving relationship.Which of corse makes it all the more painfull.Prior to her developing feelings for this guy, however,we had been going through difficuties.Ten years off marriage,a new baby,my wife also developed health problems after the birth of our son.She was low and feeling unloved and unatractiveand this guy came along at the right time,or wrong time,depeding on your point of view!She now says that her feelings for him were just an illusion.She was flattered by his attentions and let it go a bit far.That is was actually a transferance of feelings from our marriage and the poblems that we were goin through,and that she is naive when it when it comes to men and there intentions,but has learnt a great deal from this experience.She says she loves me and is committed to our future which I do believe.
The problem is ,as I said in my first letter,I still feel stuck.At times I think I've got a great wife,she loves me,everyone makes mistakes,just get on with it.At other times I feel lied too,cheated on,and that I can't see a way through this.
Any way.Thanks for all your help and advice.I hope I have answered some of the questions that you raised.
Cheers
G.K.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Hey- I can relate a lot to what you have been through.I fell in love with my husband's friend who is also married. One day I told him by e-mail and he replied by e-mail also and he said he liked me just as a friend. I have NEVER really believed him. He also made me tell my husband and he also told his wife and he also told another friend he and my husband have in common.So, my husband forgave me and not like you, my husband does not resent me and he doesn't resent his friend either. It's been over a year since all that happened and their friendship have been going well.Now comes the weird part... Destiny will put us ALL in the same room end of this month. I have wanted so much to see him just one more time so I can see in his eyes that his words in the e-mail confirms his feelings. My husband does not care at all about me seeing his friend again, Can you believe it? My husband is not worried that seeing his friend again will just stir up my feelings for him even more. I was doing ok, trying every day to get over him, once I found out I will see him again I am back to square 1. I'm still so deepply in love with my husband's friend. He is 19 yrs older.Reading your story I think it's so weird my husband doesn't mind I see his riend again. I even told my husband it's better I don't go because I don't want to cause them to feel uncorfortable but my husband wants me to go.I can't wait to see his friend again... I still can't let go of him and as long as I don't see in his eyes I really mean nothing to him I will always have hope we can be together some day.Just yesterday I told my husband I am over what happened, he did not ask me what I meant with that. He has never asked me how I feel about his friend these days, if he asked me then I'm not sure if I would tell him I still love his friend.Dude- why are you so sure nothing physical has happened? I would not be that sure. Something physical just never happened between my husband's friend and me because we have never had the oportunity to be alone just him and me. But I am sure if I hadn't told him by e-mail about my feelings something could have happened because I was planning to tell him in person. I was planning an opportunity where we could be alone, thank God that did not happen.My husband does not mind keeping the friendship with his friend, if you mind I think you should cut ties with this friend.I think it doesn't really matter if something physical happened. What it matters is how your wife feel right now. Nothing phyical has happened between my husband's friend and me and I'm still so in love with him...I think that is bad...I think you just really need to forgive her like my husband forgave me and if it's bothering you so much to see this friend, you should tell to your wife and cut the frienship with him.Sometimes, in this case, it's better not to be in touch at all.Sometimes I think my husband does not have blood in his veins, he read the e-mail I sent to his friend and he does not mind I see his friend again... I can't believe it... I can't believe my husband does not worry about me falling even more with his friend. I can't wait to see him again...if his friend just snaps his fingers he has me. It's very sad... But remember- what is n the past, let it be in the past. What your wife felt back then it does not matter anymore. What matters is how she feels now.Does your friend's wife know about that? Well, it's claer to me that whatever happened between your friend and your wife was nthing really important. If they have fallen in love they would have left their spouses to be together.I think ou just really ned to pen yourself to forgive her.How do you feel about this friend? Was he a best friend? Do you like him a lot? The guy I fell was my husband's best friend, my husband really likes him and he likes my husband a lot also. Their friendship means alot to ecah other... It's so sad I had to fall so in love with him... but what can I do? It's better this way... at least I am not in touch with him anymore. I can't wait to find out what he will do when he sees me again.Did your friend have strong feelings for your wife also?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Why do you need to be contact with these other people. If you need to say anything to them then make it via email. Push them further and further into the background. I don't think you will ever know the truth and personally i just wouldn't want to. If you decide that you two are going ahead and are going to make a go of it then i wish you well. BUT I do think you deserve better and you have been served a very raw deal by someone who is supposed to love you. I was married for 20 years and my bloke did this to me three times, sorry but leopards never change their spots. I have a gorgeous bloke now who i know would never do that to me. He had it done to him by his previous wife, twice. So think on. You only live once so why should your life be this way. Personally i would of kicked her out! Get them people out of your lives.Take care and i wish you well. Keep in touch if you want.xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I have been married for 13 yrs now - and have 2 chidlren - and recently found out that my wife had cheated on me not once but twice - in both cases she claimed NO sex had taken place ONLY KISSING - yet in her emails that I spied on I see it differently - she had too been falling DEEPLY into these two men - and when I threathened to leave her she begged me not to and that ALL was over with them - she said she completely broke it off with both men and has NO FEELINGS at all for either.Your wife like mine will always feel for the person they cheated on with - wives cheat mainly for emotional reasons than physical ones - to me this is worse cause having a wife that is falling in LOVE with someone besides me is a much bigger hurt and is taking away her love from me - I dont BELIEVE my wife anymore nor will I ever TRUST her again - and YES I think your wife will always CARE for this man - you will NEVER forget the pain it will always be there - and in the back of your mind you will always be worried that something like this will happen again.All I can say is if you love her and are still in love with your wife and children are involved then you may have to bite it and continue to live like this - over time you will slowly heal and the pain will fade some. Good LUCK - be brave.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (5 September 2007):
If your wife is clear that "it" is "over", then there was something to worry about. That is because there was an "it". The word "it" means there was a something.
Where and when did they spend time together? Were they alone? What was you clue something was wrong? What did they say when you approached then about it? Why do you have to keep seeing this other couple? Does his wife know? She should...if "it" was nothing to worry about.
...............................
|
