A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a realtionship with my husband for 8 years. It has been rocky due to his demeanor, tone, and language. He's never taken stress well and he's had problems with little romances (not sure if sexual or non-sexual). He tried to cheat on me when our second child was 2 months old, but I caught it in time (about 5 months worth of betrayal). Now about 3-4 years later it's hard to get him to initiate sex, or if I do, he rejects me. Not to mention, he doesn't reciprocate affection, rarely compliments me, or gives me reassurances. Dialogue in conversation is about nil--unless he's truly interested in the conversation. Recently, he's away for several months at a school and I didn't hear from him for about 3 days and called him on it. He got really angry and I tried to smooth it over. I asked him to video conference and maybe he'd want to do "sexy" time. He became extremely pissy that I was "making" him do it (and I wasn't) and I noticed he shaved around his penis. For me, he's never shaved his penis, but once he did and I found out it was due to Internet video porn. So while he's been away I haven't had a conversation that's lasted with him longer than a few minutes. He's almost entirely emotionally unavailable. He gets violent when upset and breaks my belongings, I don't trust him with the kids alone, and he's pulled a gun on himself threatening to kill himself when confronted with damning situations like the side girl when my son was 2 months.Now for the ringer, I have these uncontrollable fantasies about someone else. I nearly drive off the road while having them. I think I need help. I'm a person who could have sex twice a day--a nearly insatiable sex drive, so my situation with my husband is not ideal. My husband is extremely attractive, very fit, and is an asshole. My sex drive is driven not by looks, but how someone makes me feel inside emotionally. And this person makes me feel so happy. I cannot describe the attraction, it's so strong now it's like we are complex puzzle pieces fitting together. I don't know how this person has picked up my attraction but they are coming on strong. Stronger every day and I've been so good at resisting. What am I to do? I need strength! Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): Original poster here, yes you hit the nail on the head. I have no idea what he is capable of and I have taken the abuses for so long. I honestly believe it's better to stay and be alive than to leave and be dead. I have my house, my health, and most importantly, my children. Someday I will navigate myself out of this hole. I think I fixed my asshole-dar, so it's not likely to happen again. I want to say thank you to those who have posted, you really have great introspection advice and I'm really not good at taking in-person advice--this has helped me out tremendously!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): It seems likely to me that you are worried he will kill you and/or the kids if you try to leave.
Not wanting to admit that you picked a bad spouse a 2nd time is a foolish reason to stay. You probably have a broken 'picker.' Some therapy might fix it and you could end up with a much better man in the future.
What you probably should do first is consult a lawyer and find out how to leave him safely.
Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): Why do you stay in a relationship that is toxic? This part is on you. Instead of analyzing your hubby and his behavior, turn your eyes towards yourself. Why do you stay? What are you afraid of? What part of your identity is getting something out of this bad relationship?Fantasizing about another man is just a consequence of your unhappiness. It doesn't mean anything and it is certainly not a sign of any deeper connection or destiny. This other guy may as well be someone who'll mistreat you later on unless you understand yourself better and shed some light on the behavioral patterns you have adopted a long time ago.We are too ready to externalize the problem. Unless you are forced to live with your husband, the problem is also in you. Which is actually a good news, because it means that you can solve it. Once and for all. If it remains unresolved you risk to repeat the same mistake again, to repeat the same bad relationship again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): Anonymous here, I feel like our relationship is like a brother and sister. I love him and find him capable of love, but he quarrels and has a bad attitude toward me like a sibling. I keep giving our relationship the ol' college try, but it keeps not paying off. My own sister has made me promise her that I will follow through with leaving before he gets back, but I'll feel like a quitter for leaving the father of my children. My first marriage didn't work out due to a physically controlling spouse--I couldn't imagine a person much worse than him and voila! found him. Not physically controlling, but now mentally abusive. Well, there was the one time he hit me with one of those long cylindrical shape pillows you find in hotels and chipped my tooth. It's almost comical the level of manipulative shit he pulls with me. I've figured he's borderline personality disorder--highs and lows but not quite bi-polar. He's extremely intelligent, and that just adds to a greater web of manipulation and mental abuse. So to answer your question, yes, it's high on my list to leave him. Just not ready yet. I'm really not excited about being 2 for 2 and in the dating scene again.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (21 February 2016):
I think you should leave your abusive husband? Why are you not considering that as an option?
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