A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaa
writes:Hi I need some advice.Ive recently moved in with my dad, he has redecorated the small bedroom for me while he has been redecorating I have been sharing a room with mu little sister and all of my belongings haven't had a place and have been scattered all over the house. My step mum seems to take all of my things she has always done it even when I didn't live there but now its happening more often and I live there its begining to realy irritate me. For example, when I was younget about 13/14 my best friend gave me a bag I left it at my dads and when I went back she was using it! I said to her "isn't that my bag?" But she said it was hers! I just ignored this incident as my a lot of my things obviously weren't at my dads because I lived with my mum. There were more incidents like this. I knew it was my bag because it had gone from where I had left it and the zip was broke like the zip was broke on mine. Just recently since I have lived there, I bought some expensive nail varnish and left it downstairs when I came to use it it was gone. A couple of days later I went into hers and my dads room to put away some washing and saw it in her make up bag at the side of her bed! Another example my mum bought me some perfume for my birthday a year ago i left it in the room on the mantel peice I then went to see my mum when I came back she was just about to leave for work and I smelt it on her! When I looked in the room it had gone when she had gone to work I went into their bedroom and there it was on her bedside table! I left it there for my dad to see but when my dad came home I made out as tho I couldn't find it and my dad said "I thought you left it in the room" I said "I did but it isn't there now" later on that night when he went to bed he told me he had found it and gave it back to me but didn't seem bothered that she had obviously took it. This is a regular thing and is really starting to frustrate me. Ive told my friends and they think I'm too nice I won't say anything to her because I want to keep the peace, they also suggested I put a lock on my door now my room is just about decorated but I thought my dad and step mum will both be offended. Why does she do this? She has a job and a regular income where as I dont?! I dont see why she just can't buy herself things, I dont find jt fair at all. It wouldnt be so bad if she just asked but she doesn't she takes without asking at all! What can I do? Any advice appreciated
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Getting a safe will fix all of your problems. Use a combination safe versus a key, or your stepmom can get her hands on the key.
She may feel like since your stuff is all over the house, it's for community use. A safe will provide an off-limits area for you that can't be broken into.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2015):
 P.S. You said you bought some expensive nail varnish. You also said that she has a job and you don't. Is it possible she believes that her money bought that varnish and that's why she feels it's community property?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2015):
Label everything you own. Pretend you are living away at uni and sharing with dozens of women. How would you handle yourself if you were in that sort of roommate arrangement?
Get a storage unit of some kind, one of those ottomans where you can hide things or something similar, keep your things in it and put a lock on it.
You say you are leaving things all over the house.
Do your best to corral them into one area, preferably your room and throw a blanket or coverlet over them. She may be doing some sort of passive-aggressive thing to teach you a lesson by walking off with what you leave around. If you want it, don't leave it in a shared room.
If she actively goes into your room, lifts off the blanket or opens the ottoman then she has something else going on and you will need to discuss it with your Dad.
Again, make sure you label everything of yours in a hidden place on the item, so that if there is some doubt about ownership, it's obvious that you are the owner.
Have you spoken to her about it? "Hey, *insert what you call her here*, I've noticed that you 'borrowed' my *insert missing item that you found later here*.... It's fine by me if you want to use something but just let me know so I can buy one for you."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): You haven't talked to your step-mother; or made any effort to discuss your discomfort with her "borrowing" without asking.
I think she feels you're living in her home without paying rent, and they are providing you food and shelter; and most daughters and moms share girly-stuff like sweaters, jewelry, cosmetics, and clothing. You clearly don't have a close relationship with her, and you've clearly made no effort. You can't live under her roof; even if your dad is there, and not acknowledge her presence. You only have something to say when something of yours is missing. That's only on confrontational terms.
I see through all this, if the other uncles and aunts don't.
There are two-sides to this story.
She denies talking your things to purposely force a dialogue with you. She's a woman, and females know when they aren't liked by another female. They can be nice as pie to each other, but one can still tell if another hates her guts. You don't like her. She knows it. Yet you live in her home and you don't try to get along. You won't even sit and tell her how you feel about what she's doing, and how you don't like it. At least that would be honest, and open communication to resolve the issue. She defies your rights, because you don't respect hers. You're the guest, she's not.
You don't ask if she took it, you imply she stole it. That's why she denies it. No it isn't finders-keepers, and you have a right to your privacy and personal-belongings. She should show you the courtesy of asking; but how can she when you don't really talk or have a relationship? If you did, you wouldn't mind; and you'd simply ask for your things back. You would even feel comfortable enough to say no! You treat her like she's moving in with you; when it's the other way around!
Go ahead and use pad-locks and lock your things away.
You're not just living in your dad's house. You're living in her house too! You should sit down with both your father and your step-mother; and tell both of them exactly how you feel, just like you came to this site. Tell her it hurts your feelings that she ignores your privacy and she takes things without asking. She is also letting you know she doesn't like your snarky isolated attitude under her roof. So you both have to come to a happy-medium and try to get along.
She is accepting you into her home. She does have a right to suggest you stay with your mother, if you don't like her. I don't think it is good advice to tell you to put locks on doors in your parent's home; unless you plan to pay them rent, and live with them as a tenant. I think they would have offered you locks, if that's what they wanted.
You could get a job, and get your own place or pay them rent. Then no one has any right to touch anything of yours.
I note that your father hasn't confronted his second-wife about it. WiseOwlE knows exactly why. He knows what belongs to you, and what she has taken. He also knows why. He's forcing you two together. She's basically treating you like a daughter. Like she has a right to go through your things.
Even if she were your biological-mom; there are limits to that. The things she "borrows" are specifically girly-stuff. That has symbolism. I bet she's younger than your bio-mom!
You can lock-away your things, but you still have to face your step-mother; and get along with her, if you're going to live there.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (12 February 2015):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand my stuff has been all over the house since I moved in, but ive had nowhere to put it. Ive been sharing a room with my sister and that room is full of her stuff there's no space for mine.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (12 February 2015):
 Yeah, get a safe with a combo lock (as to not "lose"/lose the key), then put it out of sight, if possible.
Keep your room tidy, if you don't already, because it may be your room, but it's still their place.
Also, ask her if she wants to go shopping and you can point out where you got the things she takes of yours - just in case it's not so much about stealing, but borrowing and my bothering to ask or put back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 February 2015):
 Get a lock on your door or a footlocker with a lock. Don't leave stuff all over the house. She is playing the "finder's keeper" game with you. Either #1 to make you PICK your stuff up and not leave it all over the house, OR #2 she is a klepto.
Why not simply pull her aside and ask her what's up with taking my stuff?
So it's it's #1 - her "not so subtle" way of telling you to BE more tidy, then BE more tidy.
If she is a klepto, just take your stuff back. It's not like she hides them (which makes me think it's #1 more then #2)
Keep thing you REALLY care for in your room and IN the footlocker.
And you are getting close to being old enough to be out of your own.
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