A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This will be my second wedding and my fiance's first. I was married for 5 yrs and it didnt work out. My fiance and i dated for a yr and then he asked me to marry him. This is his first so i want him and his family to experience the whole "first time" wedding thing, but i feel its inappropriate to have a big church wedding the second time around. What is the proper etiquette for this situation... is it inappropriate to have a bridal shower, bachelorette party, is it inappropriate to register for gifts (as he has a bachelor pad with the basics and i left everything with my ex). Standard wedding dress or something a little more low key? Again, i want him and his family to have the whole "first time" experience, and find myself wanting to have the "traditional" wedding as well, but i just dont want to be judged or do anything inappropriate... please help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 To be honest, who cares what everyone else thinks - all that matters is you do what you and your fiance want. If you both want a traditional wedding then go for it, this is YOUR wedding so to hell with everyone else, do what makes you (as a couple) happy.
As you said, it is his first marriage (and hopefully his last) so it would be a shame for him and his family to miss out on the experience of a traditional wedding.
By all means, register for gifts, have a bachelorette party, buy the dress you want.....if you want the lot then by all means do it.
Probably the only thing I would not do however is the bridal shower - I dont really understand the difference between a bridal shower and bachelorette party (we dont have either here in the UK, just a 'hen do' which I think is the same as the bachelorette) but from what I have seen on TV, at a bridal shower people bring you gifts? Whereas the bachelorette is more of a party/night out? It will be a little cheeky to ask your friends and family to bring you more gifts for a bridal shower when they did that last time around. So having the bachelorette will be fine because that is a party, enjoying your last night as a single girl with your friends and family. That isnt about bringing you gifts and spending money on you, it is about being together on a girly night out/party. So that would be the only thing I would say you should do differently to last time.
But apart from that - dont worry about what is or isnt appropriate, this is your wedding and hopefully this one is forever. You can do as much or as little as you want for this wedding, you are never going to be able to marry this man again so it is a one-off chance to make your day perfect, forget everyone else and do what makes you both happy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 December 2011):
 My personal preference is modest, but tasteful. There are several benefits.
For starters, it is far less expensive and stressful for the bridal couple and their families. Many people waste tens of thousands of dollars on rings and a party that could have been wisely invested in property (a home to live in and equity to draw from in the future).
Secondly, it is easier on the guests, whose comfort is often overlooked. After attending the ceremony in the morning, they are left waiting for hours while the wedding party poses for pictures. Many brides get caught up in themselves and making the day perfect for THEM and that takes away from everyone's enjoyment of the day.
The whole point of a wedding shower was to help a young couple set up their first home together. Since they traditionally lived with their parents and didn't have pots and pans, dishes and towels, close friends and family pitched in to help them get started. Today many people are using them as an opportunity for a cash grab and an excuse to get drunk.
Everyone wants a special day, naturally, but you can have one without it breaking the bank and driving your stress levels through the roof. Keep it simple, but tasteful.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (15 December 2011):
 your way overthinking this!
Its a WEDDING!
This is your 2nd (not your 22nd) and its his FIRST.
If your concerned about the comments from a bridal shower, then why not go more individual and run a Groom Gathering? Same thing but for the groom.
Why wouldnt you get married in church? - or wherever you want for that matter! I'm afraid I'm not religious and I realise some religions are more orthodox regarding divorce, but if the vicar is happy why shouldnt you be?
Yes have a hen (bachelorette?) party, and a stag (bachelor?) party! Hell thats part of the fun!
OF course have a wedding list, but perhaps you could rethink what you add. Make sure there are lots of little personal gifts rather than big expensive pieces of homewear. That way if anyone from your side is feeling put out, they can choose one of these instead. Another option is to ask for holiday vouchers to pay for your honeymoon.
Wedding dress.... go for whatever you want. Just dont wear your dress from your last wedding.
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