A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This will be long so I apologise in advance. A couple of years ago one of my very best friends became my boyfriend. He is a wonderful man who treats me better than I ever thought possible, he adores me and would do anything for me. I found it very hard making the transition from friends to lovers but we got there. Despite him being very handsome, the perfect gentleman and everything I could possibly wish for and more, I have always felt like something was missing. Maybe lack of excitement as we were friends for such a long time before, but I've put that to the back of my mind reasoning that once you know all about someone and you've known them for so long, the excitement is bound to go. About 2 years before I got with my partner, I had been in a fairly short term relationship with someone else. My friends always refer to this guy as 'the one that got away'. He was a good guy, but there was an age difference and things didn't work out. We haven't spoken since we split... Until recently. He's got back in touch and asked if we could be try and be friends. I agreed and we've been speaking (with my partners knowledge) for about a month. However my partner has been away with work and I've found myself speaking to this man more and more. The old feelings that I had are starting to return and I believe it's the same for him. I feel like the biggest b***h in the world. I had a lot of trouble getting over this man and it was in fact my current partner, who was then my friend and nothing more, who helped me get over him, but the feelings have never truly left me. Now I don't know what to do. With each passing day I'm missing my partner less and less and speaking to this man more and more. yes my partner is not far from perfect, but no one has ever made me laugh like this man does, they've never made me feel how this man makes me feel. My head is saying I'm being an idiot but my heart has yearned for this other man for so long. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and later regretting it. I know I don't deserve my partner for feeling like this about someone else, but I can't help how I feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): OP sounds like you're having an emotional affair with this other guy.
You're not a bitch OP but you are a complete fool. How in the hell did you think it would be a good idea to get back in contact with a guy it was so hard for you to get over?
Op your boyfriend deserves better than this so either cut off this ex completely or end the relationship.
OP you don't have to do anything illicit to cheat, feeding feelings for another guy without even talking sexually or flirting is too far. That's emotional cheating.
OP your ex is confusing the issues you have in your current relationship and you owe your current partner the respect to work on those things with him and not use another guy to fill some kind of romantic hole.
Get rid of the ex and do some thinking. Take some time to evaluate what you have and what you want, without your ex feeding your emotions and then make a decision.
It actually sounds to me like you're just not ready to settle down yet. I mean I'm with my fiancée now 7 years and I'm over the moon that we've become a settled established couple, we too were best friends before we got together. How we keep the excitement alive when there was never going to be any mystery is to go do fun new things together all the time. Travel to new places, festivals, etc.
You on the other hand want some romantic mystery, excitement and thrill of a short term fling. Because guess what OP, even your ex will become boring and established after a while too, it happens us all.
Just sounds like you still need to sow your wild oats, well maybe it's time to considered going independent again.
OP do you think what you're doing with your ex right now is fair on your current partner? No you don't, so are you going to do right thing here and get rid of this other guy and address how you feel about your current relationship without outside interference?
That's what you have to do. You're cheating here OP and you know it, if you don't think you are then I'm sure you don't mind telling your current partner everything you've told us.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 You need to focus on this one comment in your post:
"I had a lot of trouble getting over this man and it was in fact my current partner, who was then my friend and nothing more, who helped me get over him"
What on earth are you doing? Let's say you break your current partner's heart and go back to your ex. Soon, you will yearn for the guy you now have 10 times worse than the feelings you have for your ex. You're 40-50 years old, and you've never been able to be satisfied with where you are or who you're with.
Don't be disloyal to your current partner. Either cut off communication for good with your ex, or break up with your current partner honorably before continuing a relationship, because being "just friends" with an ex you still have feelings for is disloyalty, betrayal, and carrying on an emotional affair that's a hair-trigger away from a physical one. Why do you think your ex is talking to you now?? What's different now that wasn't when you broke up with him the first time? Nothing!
If you're going to make the biggest mistake in your life, don't hedge your bets by being a cheater. Then you'll lose everything, including the respect of yourself and all who know you. Break up with your current partner...or maybe stop taking him for granted, because feelings are continuously nourished and cultivated in relationships. Maybe yours have faded because you have forgotten that simple truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): There's no chemistry between your bf and yourself that's why you're so susceptible to someone else who does give you that tingling feeling. It has nothing to do with being friends. My best friend and I fell in love after being best friends for years. There was just this growing chemistry between us that we tried to suppress or keep in check for years and finally couldn't and we finally gave in and became lovers which was so liberating and after 8 years we're still as crazy about each other. It is awesome to be madly in love with your best friend. But if you never had chemistry then you just never had it no matter if you are friends or not. I have many guy friends whom i have zero attraction to but feel close to and vice versa. And if you've known each other a long time and still don't feel that chemistry it isn't likely to happen it just isn't there.
But that doesnt mean it's a good idea to get back together with your ex. remember you and your ex broke up for a reason. You have already been there and done that. You sort of have a crystal ball in that sense. Right now the old heady feelings are coming back. Sooner or later the old toxic feelings will too. It will probably follow the same path as before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): It sounds to me like you aren't meant for your partner. You said it was a difficult transition from friends to lovers. That right there says that the relationship is not meant to be. It is based on just comfort and familiarity and security (all of which are considered good things by the way) but there is no chemistry or spark. It is a relationship of convenience. Despite this being considered good and stable in an "old married couple" sense, I think it's only as stable as long as no one ever enters the picture that does cause a spark in either one of you. As soon as such a person appears then the "old married couple " relationship is in jeopardy.
The ex is someone you did have a spark with obviously. But you have been with him before and it didn't work out so why get back on that merry go round again? Has he changed? Have you changed? Is there any reason that things would be different this time?
Also the hurt and pain from a break up can be yucky. Having that person seemingly change their mind about you now and want you again can feel like a vindication and thus make you feel good that way. Its like wanting the approval of people who currently don't approve of you, because the idea of being unappreciated and invalidated stings. When your ex now shows an interest in you instead of bitterness it feels like a restoration of self esteem so you feel good when you're around him . But if this is indeed the case, its more about something lacking within you that you need to find and not about him or the relationship.
Also you never fully got over him. You said it was your partner who helped you get over your ex. That's not a good sign. Getting over someone can be very hard and only you can do the work. You may have short circuited that process by leaning on your partner too much, or using him to fill the void in your heart rather than healing it. As such your feelings are not settled and your relationship isn't on solid ground.
Now is the time to decide what you want from a relationship. You should give your partner priority since you made a commitment to him. That's just the decent thing to do. Don't go running back and forth from one man to another. give him more consideration and sort out your feelings about him first without it being contingent on your ex. If you honestly feel you want to be with your ex then you should break up with your boyfriend first. Whatever you do, don't sneak around behind his back test riding a relationship with your ex as a way to decide who you want more.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 It is not fair to your partner, the man that helped you over come a break up, who stood by you and you are now being emotionally unfaithful.
What you dont mention is why you and the ex broke up? You were hurt very badly , do seriously want to risk risk puting yourself through this again and remember dont expect to have the current BF shoulders to cry on this time.
Its human nature to crave and yearn for something we lost no matter how bad it was, so you decide whether what you have is worth risking over a man that broke your heart and left it shattered in a million pieces.
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