A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've got a 2 year old son with my partner of 4 years we live together but we had a disagreement yesterday over something stupid to which he replied he goes to work for 8 hours a day the disagreement was because I asked him to wipe his hands and he went in a mood I make our son breakfast dinner tea take him to nursery pick him up from nursery make him bottles of juice dress him bath him put him to bed stay up all night if hes I'll obviously none of this I mind as I am his mum but my point is his dad does absolutely nothing at all for him and if I complain about being tired his reply is you do nothing all day just because I am unemployed I also have a 9 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and he is the same with her any advice what I can do I've tried talking to him about it but he just goes quiet on me and I give up thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Have you tried getting a part time job in the evenings where he can look after the children and it might make him see that you don't do nothing. He needs to take more responsibility. It is also not fair on these children growing up and only getting attention from one parent. It wouldn't be enough for me, I would need to get him to see how busy you are. I am sure he knows you are, it just seems he is taking his frustrations out on you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): The male anon is wrong in saying your husband is not right or wrong !Your husband is also the parent of your child and therefore has a responsibility to PARENT that child not just dump it all on the mother For too long men have gotten away with this behaviour and made excuses for one another by saying things like 'he is not right or wrong' Unbelievable You should not be expected to raise this child alone and if he does expect that ? He should not be getting the benefits of having a wife and child at home and acting like some 'man of the house 'You deserve support and respect. If he can't respect that parenting is AT LEAST as hard as a full time job then he needs to go. Take it from someone who has worked a demanding job and then been a stay at home parent. Parenting is harder! I had four and until a man has done that he will not tell me that a man is not right or wrong in shirking responsibility for his own child
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): As a mother with absolutely no support from the father of my children there are many many times I've felt like throwing myself in front of a train too. I guess the differnece is , I didn't allow myself to shirk the responsibilities to my children and wallow in self pity . I stepped up to my responsibilities . This is what I see women like myself so day after day and no one acknowledges them , no one . Least of all the father of their children who seem to be too busy caught up in their own little world is of self absorption and self importance He is wrong. No excuses. Reasons, yes I'm sure. Just like you could have a thousand 'reasons ' to go out with friends and leave everything on him instead of look after your child but you don't use those reasons as excuses and justifications. The list of men's justifications is mind boggling Wall Street is a walk in the park compared to labour and child rearing. Men should really try it some time!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): His feelings are not right or wrong. He feels that way so to turn it into absolutes from the ten lines you have written is difficult.For example, if he is working 12 hour days at minimum wage to support the family and is feeling that the sacrifice isn't being acknowledged then I can understand his emotions (not actions). I remember when the stock market was collapsing and I was working long hours for no gain and still couldn't help my clients, I came home and felt isolated. I began feeling that perhaps I should jump in front of a train so my family could claim the life insurance. They would be financially secure and I would give them a better chance. It was horrible. I would come home emotionally devastated and could barely leave the couch let alone concentrate on helping with the child rearing.Now I am not saying that is what is going through his head but lots of people fight battles we have no idea about and I couldn't possibly know this from the comment. Suggestions like he is to blame and men are problems and you should leave him are unhelpful.Something needs to change but we don't understand the root cause, therefore I feel that you should communicate in a way that doesn't assert blame. Perhaps you will understand why he is where he is and vice versa and he will feel that you are a team and things will get better.There are no easy binary positions. Of course he should do more. Maybe if your child is in day care all day he feels resentment that you have an easy ride and he deals with the stress of money and that your child doesn't know him and he becomes withdrawn. I know it was devastating during those times that my child seemed to resent me also for not being at home. For what it's worth I am not creating a scenario to fit my agenda per se but trying to assign another reason that can start the ball rolling on the communication.But hey he may just be lazy too.I would be concerned however that the previous answers are an echo chamber designed to make you feel more empowered but with few tools to help you deal with what may be going on on his part. Good luck, I wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): The male anon is wrong in saying your husband is not right or wrong !Your husband is also the parent of your child and therefore has a responsibility to PARENT that child not just dump it all on the mother For too long men have gotten away with this behaviour and made excuses for one another by saying things like 'he is not right or wrong' Unbelievable You should not be expected to raise this child alone and if he does expect that ? He should not be getting the benefits of having a wife and child at home and acting like some 'man of the house 'You deserve support and respect . If he can't respect that parenting is AT LEAST as hard as a full time job then he needs to go . Take it from someone who has worked a demanding job and then been a stay at home parent . Parenting is harder !!!!! I had four and until a man has done that he will not tell me that a man is not right or wrong in shirking responsibility for his own child
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Clearly there is a communication issue here. No don't play games, don't split up your family, but work out the reason for his issue. How long is your child in care during the day? Is your husband's job stressful? Perhaps he is building resentment also as he feels you only need him there for money? Just ask what he wants. He isn't right or wrong, so understand his point, and explain yours. Relationships are not beer and skittles
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): I've been married twice and had children with both men. They were both exactly the same as you describe your partner . Each thought that because they worked outside the home that absolved them of any parenting ( or housework ) responsibility. No matter what I tried , including counselling with the second , they would change for a short while then revert back to this chauvinistic behaviour . Most of my friends have husbands who are the same and have never changed a diaper . Although one does have a very involved partner . I tend to think men who believe in equality are the exception rather than the rule . Many give it lip service but when it comes to the crunch it's all about make privilege.I would suggest trying counselling and setting string boundaries and rosters but if he refuses to participate perhaps consider leaving to stay with family who will give you the support you deserve
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 February 2017):
 Honey you work...you just don't get paid. I think the job title you are looking for is called Domestic Engineer. Why not stop when you have put in 8 hours also? Set the alarm, real loud, to go off when he walks in the door, when it goes off yell " Knock off bell" . Sit down and do fuck all. See if he like them apples.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 February 2017):
 Questions about non involved parents, usually the Dad's, who live in the same house as their partner/spouses and children but are not involved in the parenting of the kids always grieve me.
Are these men really so dense they don't realise their detachment almost guarantees a non existent relationship when they child turns 12 or 16 or 20 ...
Read some of the answers here as they also apply to you:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-tried-talking-about-our-problems-but-he.html
You too might be better off being a single mum.
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