A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a difficult issue for me, that makes me feel angry, and bitter, and I am ashamed that I feel this way because it is not nice to feel like this. I just want to know how to deal with this. This a long story so please bear with me, it needs all the facts.Basically my dad has paid for my brothers education, through a degree and partway through a masters so far. The thing is I know this has cost him a lot of money because my brother has chosen to do his studies abroad in cities that are very expensive to live in. I appreciate this is my dad's choice, but it bothers me and I feel guilty that it bothers me. Because I went to University but I chose to fund this myself by working during my time off and holidays and applying for grants and taking a £2,000 overdraft. My dad did pay for my first years accommodation but said he would not give me anything more. I did not get on with my dad very well for my later teen years and was always very tight with money so I emailed my mum(mum and dad are separated) telling her of my choice to apply for grants to pay for my education because "I didn't want to depend on hand outs from my dad, because he had always made me feel bad for asking for money from him so I wanted to pay my own way". Before I'd sent this email, my dad had offered to pay for my education as well, but I said that it would be senseless for me not to apply for grants because I definitely qualified for them as I went to Uni as an older student and had been out of full time education for 3 years. My dad had a slight issue with this only because at the time I wasn't 100% sure if I would qualify and I think he thought would have to lie that I had moved out of his house for 3 years as well, to get the grants(turned out I didn't need to as I was qualified). But I was arguing anyway that it would be silly not to apply because it would be a big financial help. So anyway, my mum forwarded the email to my dad, which was full of personal feelings I had about my dad, which I had not intended for him to read!(because my mum has always been very tactful and considerate like that, and she thought she was helping...) So my dad took offense to this and basically said, well if you want to pay for yourself so much then I won't help you at all. I eventually managed to persuade him to help me pay for my 1st year accommodation, but he said I would have to ask my mother for any money after that. My mum earns much less than my dad so that was out of the question(however she did give my brother £100 per month in his 3 years of degree, because the cost of living was a lot where he lived. She said she would give me the same and gave me the first year's worth but had to stop when she was not earning a lot anymore, but that's off story). So basically I have lived on the breadline as a student and got by by working at the same time.I just want to know am I being unfair in feeling hard done by? I feel as though I should be given the same financial help as my brother, it is just that i have never needed that much because I have always worked. I want to know why it is ok that my brother doesn't have to work? My ex said I was unjustified in feeling like that and that my brother will probably one day be earning a lot of money so it is ok, but I won't. For me earning huge amounts is not what is valuable in life, helping people in need is my life goal. However I just can't help this niggling at me and when I think about it I get angry and upset. But I hate feeling like this about my family :( What can I do? I would like some financial help as well, because I have just finished Uni and have £2,000 debt to pay off, I have a job that pays less than i would get on job seekers allowance and i know my dad gives my brother nearly twice what I earn a month to live off. I'm tempted to ask for money. But my dad is now going into early retirement so I know he will need the money in the future so I would feel awful taking away his retirement fund. I know he would help me out if I was desperate, but I am just able to get by.However I believe my brother is taking advantage of my dad's morals by going to wherever he wants for Uni regardless of cost to my dad and by not making any real effort to get a job while at Uni. I've gently suggested to my bro to look for a job because dad is retiring early and he did say he had tried, but not very hard. Now I hear he is taking an unpaid internship this summer. Dad expressed anger in the fact it was unpaid, saying its like slave labour, but will not put his foot down to my brother taking this and not paying his own way. Again, although this shouldn't be any of my business, as a sibling I can't help but feel it is. I don't want to be greedy but I kind of feel my brother has gotten a better deal than I have and my dad is essentially paying for his dream life, whereas I am building my own from scratch. I know dad has paid for everything from concert tickects to gym memberships for my brother as part of his living expenses, but if I want these things I have to save up! I know i am older than him but I still feel this is unfair. There are things I would like in life that it would be great if my dad would pay for them but I will have to save up. I would like braces for example and I have considered asking my dad to pay, after perhaps expressing that I know he has paid for a lot for my brother and that this means a lot to me. But i don't want to take advantage of my dad's money when he may need it down the line. I dont want my dad to be out of pocket because of me. but then at the same time, my brother does it so I feel it is unfair for me not to get any help. I know it is because I have chosen to support myself and because I do not ask for money, but I am beginning to think maybe I should ask for help. But it just seems like wrong for me to ask for money I can earn myself if i just wait long enough :S I know I am lucky to have gotten grants to go to Uni and that I am a very lucky person and lucky that my dad even paid for my accomodation. But I know my dad will have paid around £60,000 at the end of my brother's education where he has paid £3,000 for my accomodation. And I worked in shops from age 13, encouraged by my mum, and my bro has had 1 job for 1 year at school. I know he is very intelligent and this is why he has gone to good schools in expensive cities, and that he probably will get a very well paid job. But this just makes me feel as though I am less valuable a person to my parents than my brother. I love my family and I don't want to moan(that's why I'm venting on here), I just feel it's not fair I have always had to provide for myself, and I am struggling financially, but my brother has always been looked after. It even comes down to him getting more pocket money. I stopped getting any when I was about 14, because I got a job but he got like £10 a week until he left school. I was told it was inflation...I don't wish to be ungreatful, but I do feel it is unfair, and my nana even told me I should be greatful that my dad had paid for me to go to uni! I had to tell her that in fact I had paid for myself. My family does not communicate!Anyway, what would you do in my situation. I am thinking of asking for help to pay off my student overdraft because the deadline is coming up and I will not have earnt enough to pay it off so it's either that or get a bank loan. Do you think I am justified in asking for this from my family, or should I ignore my brother's lifestyle and carry on supporting myself? I've always thought it not right to ask for something, only to accept what is given.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Well, I kind of thought that I would be able to talk to my mum openly about my feelings, no matter who it was about, in confidence. My parents are divorced so its not like she was obliged to tell him, as his wife, as she was not his wife! And it was not like she told him in her own words, she forwarded my email directly to him. Which I know is out of order. So I know now I can never really rely on my mum for emotional support, because I cannot trust her enough to be fully open. She has always been like this. She doesn't have any problem with telling anyone anything I have said, no matter how personal. This has resulted in me being a pretty secretive person.
But that's not the issue. I have no problem earning my own money in life. I do however have a problem with people who have everything given to them on a plate. And I guess, if I am bruitally honest. The 10s of 1000s of pounds that my dad has given my brother, is money that I won't get in my inheritance. I know nothing is certain in life, but I know that will be split 50/50. Apart from that, my dad is retiring early and has expressed that he won't be able to go on holiday to the places he has enjoyed going to so often now. So I think my brother has been a little selfish in choosing such expensive places to live and not earning any money himself even in the holidays. My dad earns a good wage, but he is in no way rich.
I know it is my dad's choice who or what he spends his money on. I know I chose to pay my own way. But I only wanted to make my own money because whenever I had asked my dad for money in the past, say £5 for the bus when I was low on cash as a teenager, he would always make me feel bad for asking and would ask me the exact cost of what I needed the money for so he would not give me too much. So for that reason I did not want to be dependant on my dad's hand outs throughout Uni. So yeah, I wanted to pay my own way!
But it just seems that my brother has not been treated the same way. He even admitted to me that he has realised this as well and is angry because it has not helped us to get along as siblings. I know no one here is a bad person. I know we get what we ask for in life, more or less. I guess I am just pissed off about it because I have had bad luck in getting a job after Uni and am earning less than my dad gives my brother to live off.
But anyway. I know I am very lucky to have been able to go to Uni and just have £2,000 debt. I don't want to eat crow and ask for money unless I have no other choice. So I will just have to try harder to get more work and get the loan from my bank, which I can make if I just get 10 more hours work a week from somewhere. I guess further down the line, if my dad ever needs financial help, my brother will be high flying financially and will be in a position to help him out. Whereas I probably won't because I know I will only ever really make enough to live off comfortably, as my main goal is to help people as a care worker/teacher, money does not motivate me, it just annoys me.
But I guess I'm learning, money is linked to self worth, or self value or entitlement. People who believe they are entitled to have what they want, are the ones who take it. But those people can often also not care who they take it from, or who is impoverished to make their lives wealthier. This has been proven with personality tests on the trait of agreeableness. People who are less agreeable tend to do better financially than people who score higher for agreeableness.
I am starting to think that perhaps I should value myself higher. Instead of just wanting to help others, I should aim to look after myself financially as well. I think I need to stop giving as shit about other people and focus on suceeding for myself in my own life and then I will be in a better position to help others who need it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): It definately doesn't sound fair no, but you are 26-29 and I think both your parents deserve to have some peace now, with no financial burdens from either of you.
Your lucky your student debts only £2000, many many students work through Uni,I know for a fact, but purely to live and help pay for necessaties. Then spend years paying student loans off.At least you had £3000 for your accomadation.
Yes your brothers been spoilt, yes he got more than you, and yes he is damn lucky...but you didn't want help.
He will hopefully get a great career at the end of it,you as well, so you can finally support yourselves before your 30.
Thats why people go to Uni, to enable them to get a great career as opposed to just a job.
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