A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am really struggling. My new partner's ex is trying to break me and ruin my life. They were never married - she fell pregnant when they dated for a few weeks - so they have a child together and share the parenting. But she controls him by threatening to take him to court and stop him having access to the child if he doesn't do what she wants. (Unmarried Fathers don't automatically have legal rights to access). She did this shortly after we started seeing each other, and it knocked him for six. He was being put in the position of having to choose between me and his child and we hadn't been seeing each other that long. He managed to appease her, stood up to her over seeing me, saying he wasn't going to stop seeing me, but she said if he wanted access he was not allowed to see me when he had the child, and he has to be at her beck and call whenever she wants him to do something. Basically she is still trying to break us up. She tried poisoning his mind against me, telling him all sorts of things about me that weren't true (he asked me if they were true and I said I wasn't going to answer such questions, he knew me well enough not to believe such things) but of course it was still a load of negative stuff in his head and scrambled his brain and upset and confused him (she had told him I was a danger to children and that I was unstable). We got past that and had a rule that we wouldn't talk about certain things when we were together, only on the phone. When she realised that didn't work she has now insisted that he does couply things with her at week-ends. He has the child on Saturday nights, and brings him back on Sunday nights when she expects him to stay for dinner, and gets him to come round and do DIY for her during the day on Saturdays. So basically I can't see him all week-end and she sees more of him than I do! Because we are so good when we are together, I have been coping. I know she is just trying to get rid of me, hoping I will find it intolerable and give up, and to be honest, I am finding it intolerable and it is starting to make me ill, but I can't break up with him unless he wants to because it isn't fair on him. We almost did break up after the initial threats over access, but missed each other so much. Because I am still seeing him, she is now spreading unpleasant gossip about me, muscling in on my social life, joining things that I belong to and inviting people I know to her house, and has started going to certain events I usually go to on my own on Saturdays (because I can't see him as he has the child!). I don't think I can take much more. It is a small town where we live - a big village really - and I only have a small circle of friends. Also I am self-employed so work on my own. I haven't been able to concentrate on work recently and the stress has knocked my hormones and I am now anaemic and tired all the time so don't have the stamina to cope with the knocks I keep getting (mini shocks when someone tells me what she has said or done). The three of us used to be friends, and he and I couldn't understand why she suddenly got so nasty and threatened to take him to court and stop him seeing the child if he didn't break up with me. I know her quite well and she knows me. I know she is like a rottweiler when she wants to have a go at someone (she seems to like a fight and she likes winning). She knows I hate conflict and like a quiet simple life. And she knows I wouldn't accept this current situation (which I'm having to for his sake). I think it was when she realised we could be serious - we were both so happy and I think it made her jealous (she has a boyfriend but I think she is not getting the commitment she wants there), and also jealous that if we were a serious couple, her child would be getting attached to another woman. She has no actual contact with me at all. He is managing quite well, because I haven't given up on him, but he feels upset sometimes that he can't see me and his child at the same time. I don't want to give up but it is making me ill. What on earth can I do. Reasoning with her wouldn't work - she doesn't want reason - she wants to win, she wants him to stay single and she wants me out of the picture. What on earth can I do? I don't want to be vindictive back - i don't think it would achieve much and I wouldn't like myself. I almost feel it would be kinder to him if I stopped seeing him - because he feels so guilty so much of the time - but then why should he have to be alone? I get torn too. When we are together (which is only about 2 eveninfs a week!) it feels like we are married and everything else isn't happening. i feel he is the person I have been waiting for all my life - we seem to know each other inside out and have such a laugh (except I can't seem to laugh any more) and get on like a house on fire - neither of us is spring chickens either and we are a similar age. I feel I have known him all my life. We haven't even had sex - near as, but he is so scared of pregnancy he is hung up about any kind of contraception - and so that's taking time. I keep meaning to try and talk to him about this situation - but we get stuck and we can't face talking about it when we see each other as it's like she is in the room with us - we are just putting it out of mind and carrying on, but I can't cope any more. What on earth can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Hey guess what. He's got TWO scary nutty exes. And this second one is definitely certifiable! I knew he'd been out with someone a couple of years ago, who he'd stopped seeing because she stalked him and pestered him. I vaguely knew of her as someone who has been banned from most of the pubs for her aggressive loopy behaviour. Anyway today she came up to me in the town hall and started attacking me verbally. Unfortunately, the event I was at had just ended and I was there on my own clearing up. She saw me through the window and came in and gave me a load of abuse! I calmly said, whatever the issue was I was sure we could sort it out, but that just made her even more abusive, so I left pronto, nipped into the co-op next door and cried! Turns out she'd just heard I was seeing my man and is obviously jealous as I hardly know the woman. I phoned him up when I'd calmed down and he was really concerned (she's been in a psychiatric hospital a few times), and we ended up joking about it (I called him Bluebeard!). 'How many more scary exes have you got?' I asked. No more - apparently! He said he'd let her down gently when he realised she was a complete fruitcake when she came off her medication! Bunny boiler! Hey ho - at least he hasn't got a kid with this one. I am learning that some people love to hate you when you are happy and successful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Thanks again Gina. Something weird has happened in our relarionship - like everything is back to front - not surprising I suppose under the circumstances. We finally 'went the whole way' on Friday - after our chat and getting stuck and deciding to just take one thing at a time. We had been taking it slowly in the first place, but all the upset from her knocked us back and we didn't feel like being that intimate with all the unpleasantness - and he was scared to do it for ages anyway as the last time he did he got someone pregnant (her). Anyway it was nice and special and we fell asleep afterwards. But ever since he has been like a different person! Calling me all the time, sounding happy and not worried about seeing me or making arrangements. The opposite happened for me. Suddenly I thought - I don't want to have sex if not in a committed relationship (I'd said this when we started seeing each other which was why we were taking it slowly to see if we wanted a serious relationship.) So on the one hand it's nice that he's being so great with me, and somehow makes all this stuff with her less unpleasant, like we are in it together and it's just hassle. On the other hand, I can't believe that having sex can make such a difference to him, and am thinking maybe he is a bit fickle. But it has and maybe I should just accept it. I say back to front as I needed time to think after our conversation last Friday, and have had a bit of time, but of course we did the deed last Friday too. I was coming round to the idea that some of his reasoning wasn't good enough. ie his fear that she would poison the child against him if he went for access and got it. Firstly that is unknown, secondly, she could do that anyway if it suits her, access or no access, and thirdly - you deal with that when the time comes. And I went down with flu on Monday and although feeling lousy and had to go to bed, had time to mull things over and decide that I couldn't accept things the way they are if he wasn't going to try and legalise things. But I can't believe how happy he has been - texts telling me it would be great if I call hin - long chats on the phone that he doesn't want to end. I suppose it's good - he could have been the kind of guy that dropped you after finally getting his way, so to speak. And I suppose it is a kind of next stage bonding. But nothing much has changed otherwise, except he called me Sunday night because he's missed me after having to have his weekly dinner with her. I am wondering if something strange has happened. Like he never really moved on from her until he had sex with someone else. Anyway, there is still all this stuff to deal with, and as he has the child on Friday night and Saturday, has to have dinner with her Sunday and has the child for a week on Tuesday when she goes to see her boyfriend, it still means I can hardly see him and it's not a proper relationship. So am confused - reckon I should get over the flu (sick as a dog) before trying to make decisions. But just as I was accepting that I couldn't accept his way of dealing with things - he goes and gets all loving and happy on me. I'm not sure if this is good or not?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Thank you for understanding. You are so right. Already I am losing him. Tonight was very mixed - partly the usual lovely thing of seeing each other, but I had the talk I've been avoiding so as not to spoil our time together. What I was scared of is happening. By spending too much time in her company he is getting mixed up - partly because the situation is causing him to live a lie - as if this was an affair. Can't explain that very well. We went over everything that had happened, to understand it in hindsight. Which was good. But he is adamant he doesn't want to legalise things as he (probably rightly) thinks she would be too nasty an adversary, and that even if he did get his access legalised, she would respond by poisoning the child against him as it grew up and he doesn't want this for the child. He understands completely what she is like and is staying on good terms with her to keep being able to be a Father, and to keep an eye on the child. Which I understand, but find a bit sick. As I pointed out, he is being friendly to someone who keeps threatening to stop him seeing his child, and allowing her to hurt him (and me). I explained that I just wanted him to know he did have legal rights, in case this was threatened again - maybe when the child was older, regardless of whether he was seeing me or not then, so he didn't feel he had to give in to things. He is mixed up and it was confusing at times - on the one hand he is prepared to give up anything to keep his child, even if it means breaking up with me if she threatens that again, at which point we realised there was no point carrying on seeing each other in that case. But then as soon as we realise that, feelings kick in and he remembers how good we are, and doesn't want to stop seeing me. He is already taking risks just by carrying on seeing me at the moment. It's a mess. But the talking helped and what we did work out was that, she was never going to allow us to be a couple unless she was in that situation in her own relationship - and that she feels insecure about her relationship. We gave up eventually and just said as we have been. Carry on seeing each other and take one thing at a time. But he said he realised he kept hurting me by detaching his feelings sometimes, to cope with being friendly to her. I said it wasn't him that was hurting me, it was her. And then I felt as I have done before, that because I care about him I don't want him to feel torn and mixed up like this and maybe it would be kinder not to see him, and then realise that's not fair on him either, and we come full circle to recognising (at least we both recognised it and it was out in the open, rather than him falling for all the negative stuff she said about me) that she is being cruel and using every tactic there is to stop us being together. So yes - we are both having all this worry and difficulty (and pain and inhumanness) because she is like she is - and would never be generous enough to allow us happiness, or be on good terms with both of us, or do the right thing for the child and legalise the access, rather than using it as a manipulative thing Which is stupid as well, because she is alienating people and leaving herself alone. I think that her nastiness to us has made her boyfriend back off, and a lot of people back off from her because they know I had been a good friend to her and that she had tried to pair us off a number of times (this was a pleasant surprise I had today when someone told me that people could see what she was doing and it was reassuring to recognise that, I am known and liked and that she has alienated most people we know). The downside to that is - she wants more time and attention from him as she is now very much on her own. I'm sorry for rambling, it's all a bit confusing at the moment. I did ask him directly, how far this 'giving in to keep the peace' would go. ie if she said she wanted him to sleep with her and have another child, would he give in to that? he looked horrified and said no he'd have to lose the child if that happened. So I pointed out that that's why it would be better to get it legalised before she demanded something he couldn't give in to. And then he was back to the thing of not wanting to so she didn't get vindictive and poison the child against him. I think he is out of his depth and says he has no faith in legal things and wouldn't want to take the risk. I have to accept that this is the only way he can see for now. And the horrible numbness of realising that the only way he could keep his child was to do what she wanted, stop seeing me and stay single. We nearly broke up tonight - but didn't, but it's good that some things were aired. I did think at one point that he was prepared to give me up and stay single in order to be a Father, and I said, I could understand someone choosing to do that (which is why we nearly broke up), but then when I asked him whether he wanted me to be around over Christmas he absolutely did (I said I might have to make plans rather than hang around only to find she didn't let him out of her sight, but I'm clear that he wants to keep seeing me - I suggested I do a bit of both - go away for a few days and stay here some of the time). He has two heads on and is living two lives and I am left feeling - a bit powerless and almost too numb to be furious with the woman - it's reminding me what she is doing to him and that brings out the side of me that wants to protect someone else from being treated badly. And for what she is doing to me. We said lots of positive things too (or I did!) that some of the really good moments we've had in the last few weeks have been despite this situation, and that if there was none of this awfulness we would probabaly be bickering about trivia like most other couples! And that's when we can't face not seeing each other - when we have a laugh, because he is such a light-hearted fun person and I am as well usually. I'm sorry I'm rambling again - I'm trying to get this clear while it is fresh. Yes I am going to keep carrying on my life and ignoring her - I was doing that quite well - and being happy and upbeat for no reason when out and about - until all the muscling in started, but now I had that pleasant surprise that people are not responding to it and she has had to give up. And yes we were going to try and have a couple of days away, but she won't agree to him having a week-end off if it is to be with me, so it would have to be midweek. I know he wants to keep seeing me, so I can't give up. He said at one point he would understand if I wanted to start seeing someone else. So I said no I don't want to see someone else, I'd rather stay single than that, but he had to be straight with me if he wanted me to stop seeing him. But he seemed relieved I didn't want to look elsewhere. Part of me wishes he would make the decision that he doesn't want to see me, so he's not having to live a lie and worry, but know he doesn't want to lose me so I can't give up, and the irony is, I don't think he would be able to cope with her if he didn't have me in his life. I'm usually a fairly pragmatic person rather than self-sacrificial as I know you need to look after yourself if you are going to be any good for other people. Think I will have to go back to hoping and praying and getting as much friendship and support as I can so I don't go under. And hope that maybe her 58 year old boyfriend (who apparently has given her some reassurance now) will talk some sense into her! Yes I wish he would tell her to come and live in France, but somehow I don't tnink that will happen. Thank you so much for understanding. Despite the awfulness I feel so lucky to have met this man and found love - before she disrupted things it was the best thing that has ever happened to me - we are so right for each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Thank you very much for your insight Gina... It's not really possible to move away. He lives on a farm that he owns with his brother and was born there and lived there all his life. It is possible that she might move away at some point as her boyfriend lives in France and she goes there once a month - but anything could happen really as they could break up or he could move back here - so unknown quantity. You are right, it is not worth letting someone make me ill. Nothing she says about me can do this to me, what was affecting me was having to get through the week-ends as I can't see him at week-ends, and knowing he is spending so much time with her. This is her latest way of trying to get rid of me as she knows I will find this intolerable. I stood up to her threats last time and she reacted (as you guessed) by being extra nice to him and saying of course she wouldn't stop him having access. But her new rules involve all this time he has to spend with her doing things for her. No it is not good - he is getting sucked in. He thinks he is just humouring her, but as in all cases when someone is 'living a lie' - they start believing it and for me it feels like being a mistress at the moment - which is not nice! And it's weird - because we are in love and happy with each other, it makes you more attractive to other people, and she obviously wants what I have got as she now sees him in a different light (stupid of course because things would soon revert if we stopped seeing each other). I don't think it is about her feeling hurt or rejected - she broke up with him for someone else - but maybe because he didn't love her. It's about money for her - he has to pay as the baby's Father and her boy-friend is quite well off (but she's not getting the commitment she wants there). I am not interested in money. I don't have much, but I support myself and I knew I was taking on a man that had to pay child support. I think I need to have a talk with him about the legal situation. If he gets his access formalised through the courts she won't have this hold over him. I agree - you shouldn't give in to blackmail, but he is so terrified of losing his child and she usually carries out her threats. At present she has all the legal rights. I suppose this is the kind of ultimatum that one of you suggested - because if I say to him, I want you to have a go at legalising this through the courts (he has a good chance of getting legal access I have been told by a solicitor, due to his pattern of access so far and because the courts don't like Mothers using blackmail and threats - but it is not certain and he could lose - particularly as she is a formidable adversary). I risk him breaking up with me if he doesn't want to take this route - or breaking up with me if he does, and loses (he may resent me) - but I guess then I will know where I stand. Of course his child comes first and she put him in the intolerable position of having to choose - between me and his child. He has managed to keep both for now (he didn't give in to that), but that's why she is now doing all this other stuff to drive me away. I have been to the Docs and had some good support, plus been on iron for a few days so feeling a bit better and getting my head back on. We are both still in shock a bit sometimes - reeling - as this all seems so unbelievable. Thanks so much for your insights and it helps me to face the reality of it all. I am reluctant to stay at home and avoid my occasional social things as these were helping me cope, but yes I do want to avoid contact - I am making sure I have a group of people to go with on Saturday, which is an event supporting a local artist friend and I don't want to let him down, but it is causing him to feel awkward too, feeling caught in the middle when she said she wanted to come. Plus it is now putting my partner in a horrendous position - if he goes with me and she is there (well - I think she will insist he goes with her) - i reckon everything could blow up again over this one thing so I will try and have that talk with him before the week-end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Thank you for your answer. Yes I agree too much drama and I don't want to be caught up in it. I knew this man had a child and his ex in his life when we got close and we talked about it. What I didn't expect was something like this to happen. We were all friends at one point and I used to see him when he had the child. It was only when we started to get serious she started with all the threats to break us up. It was a big shock. I know I cannot live with this situation the way it is. I think I will have to ask him to take legal advice and deal with the situation properly if we are to have any future. I have been advised that he has a good chance of being given access legally based on his amount of contact with the child to date, if he applies to the court, despite him not having automatic legal rights to access. If this is granted she will not be able to control his personal life any more. I know he is scared of taking this route in case he isn't successful and risks losing access altogether, but I think I will have to say to him that if the situation is not formalised, I can't carry on with the relationship. But that's when I start going round in circles because then I am giving him ultimatums as well as her and it doesn't seem fair on him and I do love him. I'm not sure I would want to meet another man and everyone has baggage at our age I suppose. I did think maybe about asking a couple of his friends to join us when I bring this up, so he can get a perspective - I am almost too involved to be able to say this to him.
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (18 November 2008):
 He has a child forever and she will be in his life forever. Find a man with no children. She isn't going anywhere and will always be in the picture. Too much drama. There is no magic that will make her go away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Thank you so much for your reply and understanding. Yes I had been hoping he would start to see that the situation is intolerable and that appeasing will not help anything. Sometimes he does - but he doesn't know what to do. He is scared that if he rocks the boat, she will just threaten to stop him seeing the child again. We looked up his legal situation when it first happened, and he would have to apply through the courts to get his current access formalised, but he doesn't want to run the risk of losing it (understandably), particularly knowing what kind of person she is and how dirty she would fight in this situation. Yes I think my sanity is at stake - so is his - he is still in a state of shock sometimes - so am I. The situation seems so unbelievable at times. No we haven't been seeing each other that long - about 3 months - but we were friends for about 5 months before that, which made it stronger when we started seeing each other. And we had talked really carefully about crossing that boundary from friendship to relationship as we'd both been hurt before and neither of us had had a relationship for a long time so we didn't want to unless we were sure about each other - it was a hard conversation but made it serious quite quickly. It also brought us closer together the week she threatened to stop access (this has happened before - even when he wasn't seeing anyone), because he was so upset and shaken. He broke off with me and said we had better be just frineds(cuel to be kind I think) when he realised she was going to make things so difficult. But we couldn't be just friends - we had stronger feelings by then, plus he wasn't coping and needed me and I made the decision not to give up and agsin it brought us closer. We talked and he understands my situation - and that we didn't know what would happen, but hoped that things would settle down with a bit of time and she would get used to the idea, but I can now see this isn't going to happen. We even started going to church sometimes and praying, something he has never done before (his idea). I have had a couple of moments where I have thought of myself only and wanted to just back off and have my life back. But as soon as I think this I think I can't do it - not sure I'd cope with that either! And I think all that would happen then is I would still have the same problems in my own life - I don't think she would ever stop trying to cause me problems - but without his support. Not that he can give much support, but it is knowing we care about each other and neither of us has anyone else. We both have a few separate friends - but it is not the same as having someone who loves you. He feels she holds all the cards and his hands are tied. I agree, I think some of her hatred and venom is that he chose someone other than her (although she always said she hadn't wanted him which is why it ended - but I think it was when she saw he was in love with me and maybe realised he had never been in love with her and that's why it hadn't been that good). So she hates me because he loves me and because we looked so happy. I don't understand this - neither does he. He was happy for her when she started seeing someone else. But I think it is more about the fact that she liked him being single, as the Father of her child, so he had no other commitments and effectively she still came first - and also about not wanting to share her child with another woman in the event we lived together or married. There is no way I can try to reason or be friendly, because she gave me an ultimatum the week she threatened to stop his access. That if I was seeing him she would not have any contact with me any more as a friend (even though she had always said maybe I should go out with him - when it happened she felt jealous). It really helped having your perspective - I couldn't see clearly, but you have clarified what I thought - it is a no -in situation. But I still can't quite accept that. I keep thinking, there must be something I can do. And I get grief stricken and furious sometimes that our relationship is being spoiled (and our lives). I am not a quitter and always think there must be a solution - but I can't see one. If anyone else can I would be very grateful.
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (18 November 2008):
 Baby-mama drama... and there's no appeasing a woman like that. She obviously feels like she's been scorned by this man and is out to make his (and your) life a living hell, indefinitely.
You say it's your "new" partner? How long have you been seeing this man?
Half of me feels that the last thing you want to do is concede to this mad-woman... but at the same time, it might really just not be worth the emotional distress. You gotta pick and choose your battles carefully.
I also feel that it's your boyfriends responsibility to tell her to back off of you. If she's bleeding through him and starting to affect your personal life, then he needs to double his efforts.
I'd hate to say that you should give him an ultimatum... but tell him that you can't take much more of this and that for the sake of your sanity, you need him to get her to back off. That's no exaggeration, I take it?
It sounds like you really love this guy... but I don't foresee an end to this woman's venomous nature. Either convince him to take a harder stance against her or consider moving on.
I hope this helps, in some small way. Your definitely in a tough situation.
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